To the people I used to call my friends:

I have been called a liar, immature, a baby, etc. by you. I’ve heard you say that I’m being dramatic or just trying to get attention. I’ve heard about your remarks on some of the decisions I’ve made. I’ve heard your judgements and accusations that you have made behind my back. And you somehow feel like you have every right to judge and accuse me of who I really am, without ever asking me about my thoughts, my opinions, or my motives on my own decisions.

My life, all at once started to come crashing down a couple of months ago, and where were you? You were there again with your judgements and accusations that you would only say when I wasn’t around.  I cannot say at this time that I have made it through this storm, because this storm is still going strong. However, I would like to make it clear to you that despite what you might think, I am not here to cry and complain about how hard my life is so that I can get some pity from you. I deserve better than your pity.

I think you and I have different expectations for what a friend really is. Or maybe we think it means two different things. Isn’t a friend somebody who is loyal? Isn’t a friend somebody you can rely on? Isn’t a friend somebody you can trust? Isn’t a friend somebody who will empathize with you? Isn’t a friend somebody who will listen to your side of the story? Isn’t a friend somebody who will comfort you? Isn’t a friend somebody who is supportive? Isn’t a friend, a friend no matter the time of year?

If one of my friends came to me about how their life has turned upside down, I would take the time to listen to what they had to say, instead of rolling my eyes and walking away. Do you not understand how each of us will trip and fall from time to time? Sometimes we can get back up by ourselves, other times we need a friend or two to help us get back on our feet and walking again.

You have watched me fall and have seen how much I have struggled to get back up on my own. Rather than reaching out your hand to offer some support, you stand there gawking and judging how I even fell in the first place. And even though you have deserted me, I still hope that the next time you fall, somebody will be there to pick you back up. Because nobody should feel like they are going to be left behind, uncared for.

That is what a friend would want for you.

Am I Even Worth It?

"Tell her she's beautiful and she won't believe you. Because no matter how hard she tries, she can never see what you see. What she sees is how her mind is always a wreck or how fragile she is behind closed doors. She sees a broken girl who isn't worth fixing. Her eyes have become fixed on her flaws and they shut out any beauty others may see in her. So even though she hears it all the time, she'll never hear that she's beautiful from herself." -Alissa Lopez

As many of you know by now, I have struggled with an eating disorder on and off throughout the years. It's been a long and hard struggle I've had to learn to live with and nothing can prepare you for what it does to you. 

The past couple of years I have started to share my own story to others and become more open about it. I've realized that people can never wrap their heads around how I could not believe in myself enough to the point where I felt like starvation was the answer. I just wanted to talk a little about it because it's something that has been on my mind a lot lately and keeps coming up. 

There are a lot of factors when it comes to eating disorders and each person deals with it differently. I can't tell you what it's like for everyone but I can tell you what it's been like for me. 

Growing up my sisters and I fought and often times words would be said that we later would regret, just like most families. I don't know why, but I would take those harsh words to heart and I held onto them more than I held onto the good things they would say. As I kept growing up, I started believing those words and I unconsciously started losing my self-esteem. 

I can't trace it back to one single event but after years of hearing and believing the little "flaws," I started to notice things about myself that would show evidence that even though they might not mean to say it, what they were saying was true. 

It got to the point where I couldn't see anything good about myself and I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. I knew inside I was worth something but I felt like my outside didn't match what was inside. I knew I had a good heart but I didn't think people could see that because of all my flaws and I wanted that to change. 

After a while, my fixation on my flaws started to cover the things I actually did like in myself. It became harder and harder to see anything good about myself because I could only see my weaknesses and flaws. People always ask well why couldn't you just notice the good things other people saw? Like I've said, I fixated on the flaws that covered the good qualities. I think the best way to explain it is that I had a "tunnel vision."

I could only see one way and couldn't see any other way. 

Even though I heard people point out good things about myself, I never held onto them like I did with the negative stuff. Why? I don't have the answer to that but if you look at the world we live in, we live in a very negative-oriented world. It's hard to know how to see good things when you are bombarded by negative things everywhere you look. 

The way I have felt about myself has always been an issue in relationships. Whether it's with a friend, a family member, a teacher, a boyfriend, etc. it has always been something that I spend too much time on. Any little thing I would take it and spin it to fit my view about myself.

So when people ask me how I got to an eating disorder, I never have the same answer because 1. There really are a lot of factors that play into it and 2. I keep learning more and more of how I got there. There were years of unknowingly tearing myself down before I even thought of an eating disorder. 

For me, the emotional side came way before the mental and physical side of it. And I've become very aware now how I deal with words other people say - even when it's good things. And obviously it's something I still deal with but it is something I've been working on become more aware of. 

I know people compare themselves with other people often and it's sometimes things we all do unknowingly but it becomes unhealthy when that becomes our main focus. 

Have you ever heard of that one game (it's not really a game) where you say 5 positive things for every negative thing you say? This is something I've been trying lately because I often do have negative thoughts about myself. I've found that I can do this in my head - and even though it takes some time, I can do it and it does help. But when I do it out loud for others it's harder and takes longer. It's another level to admit it to my friends that I might think some good things about myself. So that's something else I've been trying to work on. 

But before I end this post, I do want to say for anyone who might feel the way I do about themselves that even though your vision may seem limited, it's not. I often still think my vision is very limited but there are moments that prove otherwise and you have to hold onto those moments. So even though it's hard and often times you want to give into the negative thoughts, please don't. Don't hurt yourself more. You deserve love especially from yourself. So keep reminding yourself that. Even if it means putting up a sign that you'll see everyday or putting a reminder on your phone. You need to know that you deserve to love yourself. 

"I Am With You"

Not knowing where you're going is possibly one of the scariest things in life.

I have always been afraid of the future, but knowing I at least had a plan made it seem easier. When I graduated, it was probably one of the most terrifying things to have to choose exactly what my next 4 years would look like. When I finally set my heart on what I felt was right, things felt easier. Then came the point where I felt like my choice of school was already done. I had done what I needed there and there was nothing left for me there. I wasn't even done with my first year of college and I now had no idea what was happening. What I thought I knew I would be doing for the next four years came crumbling down and I was frightened to death.

It was at that moment that I felt like I was a complete failure.

I resented whenever people brought up school and asked me how it was or what I was majoring in or where I was going. No matter how many times I recited the same lines over and over again, it was always just as awkward as the time before. I hated feeling like people saw me as a "dropout," like I wasn't good enough to stick through even a year of college.

I thought that as time went by, I would understand what I needed to do next and life would just start to pick up, however that wasn't necessarily the case.

I wasn't very involved in my single's ward and often felt like I didn't fit in. When we had ward things and I would actually be able to go, I felt out of place, lonely and friendless. I didn't feel like I really had a place in that ward and I didn't feel like I was ever noticed. I didn't know who my home teachers were and I had never once heard from my visiting teachers. I don't think many people could even tell you my name in that ward or even recognize me. I remember one time, somebody asked if I was even a part of the ward...and I had been there for about 6 months. In relief society, they would sometimes have a prayer thing where you could put down people you know who are struggling for some extra prayers. I would always think to myself, if only people actually knew me to know that I was struggling...but I had no voice in that ward.

Also since I no longer had immediate plans for school, I started feeling pressured to think about a mission. I prayed about it, I prayed about it some more and I kept praying about it. And I just didn't feel right about it. So not only would I get the awkward "where are you going for college?" question, but I would also get the " well then are you going to serve a mission?" So I would often feel like a double failure within the same conversation.

It came to the point where I got angry at myself and God. 

It was at that point where I felt so useless in His eyes. 

I felt like I lost all my worth and that He no longer thought of me as a strong daughter to call His own. I felt hurt. I had so many questions on where I was supposed to be and who I was supposed to become and I felt like I wasn't receiving any answers. I was angry because I felt like He was literally trying to take everything that I knew, away from me and tell me that He didn't need me in His work. I was just a little voice and I wasn't going to do much for Him.

But when we choose to look at our situations like that, it only makes it seem worse. 

Yes, my boyfriend left. Yes, my best friend was leaving for her mission soon. Yes, I was taking time off from school. Yes, I worked a lot so I couldn't be involved in my ward. Yes, I can be shy and it's hard for me to open up so I often feel alone. Yes, most of my friends were on missions or off at different colleges so I often felt like I had nobody. Yes, I struggle with an eating disorder and it's still easy for me to forget that my body needs to be taken care of. Yes, I get anxiety just thinking about me possibly going on a mission, so I know it's not in my best interest. Yes, I am unsure about my plans for the future and it scares me more than anything.

However, I don't want to make these things become excuses for me. I know that in the end, everything will work out and I will be able to understand things more clearly. I know that I am still growing and learning. I am still trying to figure out who I am in this big world and I know God is with me every step of the way. I know that I am not alone in this. I may not see myself the way God sees me, but I do know that I am better in His eyes than in my own. 

So to my seniors who are getting ready to graduate, you have learned a lot through high school over the years and you're about to step into a new future. Don't get hung up on all the little things life will throw at you. When you need to, take a step back and just breathe. Because life will always go on, for better or for worse - you just choose how you want to take it. And take it from me, in a long run, it will always be better to see the positive at whatever life gives you than it ever will be to bottle up all the negative stuff. People see you better than you see yourself. When things get rough and you question yourself, DON'T. You are strong. You are courageous. You are bright. You are your own future. And whatever you do, God is with you.

https://www.facebook.com/PaulCardallMusic/videos/10152817575021497/

I Will Share My Light

For those who don't know, I am a part of the LDS faith. I was raised in the LDS church my whole life. My dad was a convert and passed away when I was five. My mom at the time was left to raise 5 girls ranging in age from 12 to a year old. My mom moved to Utah where a lot of her family lived. At the time, I didn't quite comprehend the situation fully, but I knew my father had passed away and I was raised knowing that one day, I would be able to see him again. I didn't quite understand it when I was 5, but I honestly believed it.

As years went on and I started to grow, I also started to learn more about the faith I was born into. I was baptized when I was 8 years old and had a huge testimony of God and of His plan. Fast forward a few more years and I was in junior high. I was in 9th grade when I started to reevaluate my life and my faith. I got confused and I had a lot of doubts. I struggled a lot because I knew I wanted to believe what I had been taught all my life, as well as wanting to believe what I was being taught in church and seminary, but I found myself not believing all that I had thought I believed years before. I wanted to fit in with what I thought you needed to be like to be a "mormon girl" but found myself soon resenting that I had to live a certain way that I didn't even believe in living. 

I started becoming disinterested in the LDS faith. I would continue to go to church in fear that I would be judged for choosing not to be Mormon. I found myself trying to get out of going to sacrament meeting at church as well as young women's during the week. I didn't pray anymore and I wasn't reading my scriptures. Pretty soon, my life went a little downhill. I started having lower self esteem and resenting living when I felt so ashamed of myself and so alone. I became suicidal and my choice of suicide was an eating disorder which I have mentioned before on my blog. I separated myself emotionally and spiritually from the LDS faith, but on the outside I made it look like I was still a "good Mormon girl."

After a few years, it came to a point in my life where I knew I needed help and I found myself feeling like I couldn't talk to anybody because they wouldn't understand how I felt. I felt so entirely alone and I shut myself off from people emotionally. I am a pretty independent person and don't like asking for help. I felt like if I were to gain control of my life, I could do it alone and I didn't need a God to "help me." 

However, one night when I was alone in my room and I sat in my bed crying. I felt like I had no other choice but to pray to the God I was raised to believe in was always there with an outstretched hand. I started praying to Him, pouring out my soul. I remember saying how I was so confused and I didn't understand. I wanted to believe that the church was true but I had so many doubts and I was so afraid to choose a different life than what I was raised in. I didn't receive any answers to my doubts that night and I didn't receive anything to tell me that the church was true. I did receive comfort and the ability to sleep soundly through the night. 

I committed myself to at least trying to figure out if this church was true. I started to open myself up to the church again as I went to seminary, sunday school, young women's and church meetings. I had a very basic testimony. I believed there was a God who was always there for us and I believed that families were forever. That was basically my testimony for a long time.

I remember when I first shared my basic testimony. I was scared because I felt like I didn't have a big enough testimony so I wasn't going to really help anyone. But I wanted people to know that I KNEW that what I did believe in was true and I believed it with all my heart. It wasn't much, but it was enough. Sharing my testimony wasn't for others, but for me at that time.

There were people over the years who would ask me why I don't believe some things they believed in and it always hurt that I couldn't believe it, but we all progress in our own ways. We do not need to have a big, flashy testimony to prove ourselves. God knows what we believe and He is just happy when we open up ourselves to share what we believe in. It's scary talking about God in this day and age because in the world, it's not as widely accepted to have a belief in a God.

But your faith, no matter what you believe, is what makes you grow as a person. Sharing the things you believe in is what will inspire others. You have a light. God wants us to share our light, not just to light the way for others, but for ourselves as well. Share your light, it doesn't have to be as bright as the sun to make a difference. Your light will help those in darkness no matter how little the light may seem. Share goodness and you will be blessed. Life isn't easy. We will get knocked down a few times but that light will help us see a little more so that we can have more understanding.

I have wavered in my faith before. And I still don't understand everything completely, but I know God lives. I know that He is aware of each one of His children. Christ suffered for our sins and walked our path before and is now willing to walk it again with us. When we feel like we can no longer go on, He is there to carry us until our feet are rested and ready to walk again. If we stumble over a rock or lose our footing, He will help us balance ourselves out again. 

I know that one day I will see my father again and I cannot wait for the day where I will be able to run into his arms again. I know my earthly father loves me and watches over me and my sisters. I have felt him near me from time to time. 

I have been blessed throughout my life with the friends, family, teachers and leaders I have been given. It was their strength that made me yearn to want what they had. Your role is important and your light will help somebody. You may not see how your light affects others, but they will always remember how you impacted their life. I am still learning and my testimony continues to grow. 

I prayed that one night to have faith in having faith...which sounds strange but sometimes you need to ask to have faith because you can't on your own. 

God is real. He is aware of you and me. I love my God with all my heart. I honestly don't know what I would do if I wasn't raised in the LDS church. I didn't come back to the LDS faith because I felt pressured to or because that was what I was raised to believe, I came back to it because I had come to know for myself of its truth. 

I have a firm testimony in the gospel now and I know the gospel is true. My testimony continues to grow. I completely trust God with my life.
The gospel has changed my life for the better. I have found happiness in the gospel, everlasting happiness. The gospel has opened me up and made me a better person. Because of it, I have come to love my neighbors and have a yearning to serve them. It has helped me to find myself. I wouldn't be who I am if I wasn't LDS.

I am a Mormon. 

I know it.

I live it.

I love it.

I Know.

I have found that I often feel like I take advantage of everything this gospel has given me. It truly has given me a new way to living and I love that! I know without a doubt that I would not be here, as the person I am today had I not known all that this gospel has taught me and continues to teach me. I know that I have a lot more to learn, but I am happy knowing what I know.
Because of this gospel, I can know that I am going to see my father again. I can't wait for the day where I can once again feel my dad's arms around me and hold me tight. I can't wait to see him again. I know he has been watching over me and my sisters and I know he's a part of my life still. I will forever remember him.
I can know that my oldest sister Sandra, will be made perfect and won't have to live with autism forever. She has an incredible strength that God had asked of her and she willingly accepted. She is truly special and I love and care for her. She has taught me so much about loving and not being quick to judge. She has taught me to be patient and understanding. She means everything to me and I love her dearly.
I can know that I am a daughter of a king, a princess in His eyes and I am worth it, every minute of everyday. Every drop of blood Christ shed for me, was worth it. I am more than what I see in myself. I am more than what the world sees in me. I am what God has always and will always see in me. God sees in us more than we could ever see in ourselves, which is only one of the reasons why we need Him.
I know that He wants me to be happy and wants what is best for me. He asks so little of us in return for all He has done. Yet sometimes, I forget and I struggle remembering how little He really does asks of us.
He doesn't ask us to remember Him because He is selfish but because He knows if we remember Him, we will be closer to returning to Him, our Heavenly Father. When we are closer to the world than to God, it's hard to stay on the right path, but if we are closer to God than we are the world, it is that much easier to walk away if something is not in line with God's plan.
I know that sometimes it seems like God asks a lot of us. Sometimes I want to be more of the world and feel more accepted from the world, but the world will never give us what I know God gives us. God fills you with joy and love and hope. The world will just fill you with bitterness, selfishness, emptiness and despair. When put like that, it makes me ask myself why I can't see the bigger picture. Why do I yearn for the feelings the world would give me when I know the feelings God will give me?
However, I know that God is also a merciful God. I know that He will always be there, stretching out
His hand, ready to pick me up when I have fallen. He will never leave me. He knows me. He is my light. He is my strength. And He is my God and I know without a doubt that He is there and I can always turn to Him.

The Fight Continues :)

As many of you saw me post things for National Eating Disorders Awareness Week, I wanted to share a little bit about my thoughts on this past week and this past year. Last year was my first time participating in NEDAW and it truly was a blast for me. I learned a lot about myself and about the people I surround myself with. I was nervous participating in it because I was still unsure about telling people my story with eating disorders. I started the week off with only telling my closest friends and family about the things I was doing as I participated. But by the 3rd day, I was starting to share what I was doing with people I hardly even knew. I loved seeing how supportive my friends were and how excited they were about joining in on NEDAW with me. I didn't have to face it alone. Just like I haven't had to face recovery alone. By the end of NEDAW last year, I finally shared my story on my blog for anyone and everyone to see. I was tired of it holding me back and I wanted to move forward with feeling ashamed of it (you can read my story here:http://dreadfulthoughtsofadistraughtteen.blogspot.com/2014/03/sharing-my-storyits-about-time-i-did.html).
It's been a year since then (obviously) and I can say a lot has changed for me. I still hesitate about talking about what I have gone through because of my ED, but it has taught me a lot and I feel like it has brought me closer to God in ways I never thought possible. This past week was great and I loved seeing once again, people fight for a cause, one that is so important to me. I felt like this year, they focused NEDAW around raising awareness and also remembering yourself.
This week I've reflected on the past year. Recovery isn't perfect. I still have a long way to go, but I've come to learn that I am worth the fight. I deserve to fight. I have a reason to fight.
The one thing I never understood about eating disorders before I dealt with one, was the emotional side. Society teaches us that we need to be a certain way, and that really does take a toll on people after a while. Emotionally and mentally, I still have a really, really long way to go. This past year, I've realized how much my ED changed my mentality. If I hear people talking behind me and I can't hear what they say, I automatically think they are talking about how bad I am or they're criticizing me. I hate getting dressed because I have a daily battle with how my body looks every time I try to get dressed to go somewhere. I don't like shopping for clothes either. There's a lot more too, but my point is, because of my ED, it's been a challenge to see what other's see.
And it doesn't just go away. You can tell me how much you think I'm worth all you want, but it's not going to just make me believe it. It's something I've realized takes time. A lot of time.
I lost a lot of what I thought I was worth and because of that I lost my faith in God for quite some time. I didn't think I mattered so why would a God pay attention to me. But over time, things started changing little by little. I found hope in myself and because of my knowledge of God, I've been able to recover little by little. I may still have a long way to go, but I know now without a doubt that God cares about me. He loves me and will continue to walk with me as I battle with this for the rest of my life. I feel like I've come a long way since just last year...and it blows my mind how far I've come from the very beginning of recovery. Life is all about learning and growing and that is exactly what my ED has done. I'm not proud of my decision back then, but I can't change what already has been done and it no longer is holding me back the way it used to.
I am a warrior because of it.

Pics from the week:

Spread Awareness Sunday: Let people know

Music Monday: What music inspires you?

Toolbox Tuesday: A recovery toolbox

We Saw What? Wednesaday: Advertisements that promote
bad body image 

Thankful Thursday: What are you thankful for about your body?

Fearlessly Authentic Friday (video): Be You!

Soulfie Saturday: Something for yourself

National Eating Disorders Awareness Week -Music Monday

Last year I participated in National Eating Disorders Awareness Week. It was such an amazing experience for me. I learned so much and found new ways to support those who have been dealing with eating disorders. Well it's that time of year again and I'm ready as ever to participate in it once again. Eating disorders always seem to go unnoticed and it's time we show the truth about them. They are more serious than what most people know. I have always known that they harm your bodies and can even cause death, but there is so much more to an eating disorder. 

This week is designed to help educate the world and give hope to those dealing with an eating disorder. Yesterday was all about raising awareness. I saw people post things on Instagram or FB. I even saw somebody who put little facts on sticky notes and placed them in places where lots of people would see them. 

Today is "Music Monday." Music can be such an inspiring tool for so many people. Lyrics can inspire, uplift, motivate and leave you feeling better than before. Music is a big part of my life. I can't live without music. I can express myself through music. I have been so grateful to find ways to express myself in different ways with music. I thank my Father in Heaven for the music in my life. Music truly is powerful. I can feel it whenever I play my flute, or the piano. I feel it singing and dancing and I feel it listening to music. Without music, I honestly don't know where I would be. I would feel so lost. Music has always been there when I needed it and seemed to say what I needed to hear. It has given me hope when I couldn't find it and I truly believe that I have always been directed to it by my God above. Music has touched me in ways I can't explain. 

Here's some songs that I love and that have spoken to me in so many different ways. Today share some music that inspires you or means something to you. 

You Are Loved - Josh Groban

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EBSwA8pMgrA

You're Not Alone - Meredith Andrews

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8FXLo3aCkuQ

Cry Out To Jesus -Third Day

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JmVxRl5bc4Y

He'll Carry You - Hilary Weeks

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HCVT88Dz_CM&feature=related

Beautiful Heartbreak - Hilary Weeks

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xyX-I-um5Kk&list=PLO_attxNX64HH-vdcsjpGb6RWGo98s_92

Human - Chrisina Perri

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2X43XF8247E

Firework - Katy Perry

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGJuMBdaqIw

Try - Colbie Caillat

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXoZLPSw8U8

Brave - Sara Bareilles

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QUQsqBqxoR4

What If I Told You - Jason Walker

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hjr-D2T-Rpo

All About That Bass - Meghan Trainor

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7PCkvCPvDXk

Shake It Off - Taylor Swift

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nfWlot6h_JM

Never Good Enough - Rachel Ferguson 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oN_Zifk9f_o

Sometimes Our Paths Change....

I have learned how we each truly have our own paths in life - filled with roundabouts, dead ends, right and left turns, curves, detours, forks in the road, speed bumps, etc.

My path recently took me to a fork in the road.  

I have sat at that crossroads, trying to decide which side I wanted to take for quite some time now. 

I could see the good that came from both sides and I also saw the cons. I asked for opinions from friends and family and even my Father above. However, I still felt stuck at that same place and couldn't seem to move. 

But I had to choose one. I couldn't just wait and not choose.

It has recently come to my attention that some of my needs have been ignored by myself while attending college. 

I love learning. But I have spread myself too thin trying to learn, keep up on my studies, work, maintain a social life that is close to non-existent as well as give my all to my God. 

I'm used to doing a lot at once. I did a lot of extra curricular activities in high school. However a lot of my circumstances have changed since high school. I no longer am doing what I love, but what I'm told I should do. It put my body and my mental state into a major shock.

For the past few weeks I have been trying to decide what I should do about my schooling. I had the thought of taking a break and at first it was just a thought which I brushed away quickly. At that point, I felt like I was just like everyone else. I mean, who doesn't doubt being in school at least once? However, it kept coming back over and over again and soon enough I was forced to think about it. 

As I tried to figure out the situation on my own I got worried about the choice I felt I should make. I didn't want people to judge me and think badly of my choice. I didn't want to feel like I wasn't supported. So I scared myself into to thinking that I should just do what was expected of me but I felt uneasy and really upset with my choice.

Finally I turned to friends and family and although at first it seemed like my family wanted me to just do as I was expected, I learned they would support me, whatever decision I made. 

I've thought long and hard about each path I could take. I've had lots of sleepless nights thinking about it. I've prayed a lot, gotten priesthood blessings, read conference talks. I've done a lot. But I couldn't make the step on the path I knew I should take.

I kept coming back to one thought.

I would be a failure if I chose time away from school for a while. 

After endless weeks of wondering what to do, I have finally come to a conclusion that I feel satisfies me and the Lord right now. I'm ready to take my new path and I feel good about it. I know it will bring me back to school, but as of right now I need time for myself to grow without the stress college has brought into my life. I am not taking the easy way out. Actually, in some ways I feel like it's the harder way, but I feel like it's the right one.
I know that my Father in Heaven wants me to be happy and right now I don't feel that in school because I have lost myself. I want to have more time for Him as well as myself so I can come to know myself some more. I love my God and I know of His love for me. 

This path is going to hard because I know it will come with a lot of judgement and it's going to be a longer one for me in order to finish school, but after weeks of trying to make a decision, I've finally come to one that brings me peace and comfort.
I don't intend to take this time just to be lazy or anything like that. With God by my side, I know He will lead me to do great things. I don't know what they may be yet, but I trust Him.

So here goes the first step of my new path. It's an unexpected journey, but with the support of my family, friends and God, I know I can get through it. 

A Choice For Change

Well I'm done with my first semester at college. Hooray!
College has been my hell the past few months. Not because of having to go to class or having finals. It has nothing to do with the academics. It's been the worst experience of my life because I've never felt so alone. Not because I'm now living in an apartment, a little away from home. Not even because my roommates and I are hardly ever home at the same time. I get along with them fine and they are super sweet.
It's because I've truly learned what it's like to feel like you don't have a friend. All through high school I was surrounded by people I could call my friend. They were there for me when I needed them. They helped pick me up when I was down. They could tell when I was putting on a fake smile. They knew when I was holding something back. They understood me. They would just hold me and let me cry when I needed to. They laughed with me. They were there when I would come up with crazy ideas. They supported me in all my outside school activities. They danced with me. They watched movies with me. They did everything with me and for me. They always made me feel safe and I knew I could always count on them. Things of course weren't perfect. I got in fights with friends, said goodbye to some, we said things meant to hurt each other, but I always had a group I could count on being there, even if it changed groups every now and then.
I'm not one who just opens up to anyone and spills my guts out. I let people in only so far and then I just shut down. I can't cope with feeling like I'm bothering somebody with my feelings of hurt, anxiety, loss, sadness, guilt, shame, failure, etc. I try to be the one people feel like they can always come to and just vent about anything. I like being supportive and being the strong one. But I'm not...not always. And I get upset with myself when I can't hold it together. But who really can, 24/7? I just feel like I need to, in case somebody needs me to be strong for them. So I wait until it's late at night and everyone has gone to sleep and it's been weeks of trying to hold it together, and I break.
I think in high school it was easier because I had friends I saw every day to help keep my spirits lifted.
But in college.
I don't have that. I hardly see any of my friends and so I often cry myself to sleep asking God to take away my feelings of worthlessness and being alone. I always wanted to reach out and ask a friend for help but with college, I know how crazy life can be and I didn't want to be a bother or an inconvenience. I wanted the times I did get to share with my friends to be happy times and I wanted them to think I had everything under control.
But I haven't.
I don't even know where I want to go right now in life. I know where I want to end up but I keep feeling like the time isn't now for that. Which is hard for me to accept because I try to be a hard worker and finish things I start as fast as I can.
But it's tiring, feeling like a failure all the time or feeling like I'm not enough. I'm tired of not doing things I love doing. I feel like my life has become so unfocused of what matters most to me. I don't spend time with friends. I don't spend time with my family as much as I should. I don't spend time doing service to my fellow neighbors. I don't spend time for myself.
So I'm hoping with the new year, I can change that. I don't want to make resolutions about losing weight or exercising more or studying more or always giving more. Yes, those are great resolutions but my new year's resolution is to be me again.
I miss Alissa.
I miss knowing where I was wanting to go. I miss living in the present. I miss being with the people I care about. I miss doing the things I love. I miss being me.
This means I'm about to change a lot by just one little decision. But I understand now, it's what I need to do right now to better myself.
Here's to choosing to change my life and refocusing it on what really is important.

What's the big deal with numbers?

Technology has become such a big part of our lives. We use it every day. But sometimes you have to step back and say, "Enough is enough!" 

In our society it's become an addiction. And when taken to the extreme, it does not help us. In fact, it does the complete opposite. 

What ever made us believe that having the most likes or most followers or most friends made us better? It doesn't. It's just a stupid number that is meaningless. It doesn't show you how kind you are, how caring you are or how understanding you are. It is in no way an indicator of how beautiful/handsome you are. It's just a number. 

But we put so much emphasis on the numbers. We feel like nobody if we only have 100 friends on Facebook. But who really even has 500 friends in real life? Argue if you must, but in all reality. Do you honestly have over 500 friends you are close with? Not aquaintences. Not family. But actual friends. 

Why are we so obsessed with a number that is so meaningless? Why do we care that so-and-so got more likes on their selfie than yours got? Why do we let the numbers rule over us? 

I can't stress it enough...THEY MEAN NOTHING! 

They aren't what matter most in life. They have started to destroy us! We are the creators of it, so we are the alpha! Not the other way around! So why do we let them control us? Why do you let it control you? 

I let it control me. I was consumed by the numbers. It fed into my eating disorder even more. I would see friends have so many friends/followers and mine was "beginner status." I'd see their photos with so many likes and beat myself up about my photos! Do you know how messed up that is?! More likes doesn't mean you're prettier! Who the heck came up with that? Who decided that numbers held more value of determining how great a person is? I tried getting more "numbers" by joining more social networks or by trying out some things lots of people like. You know what I found out? I don't like what a lot of people like. I don't like the Twilight series. I'm not a huge fan of Harry Potter. I don't care for superheroes. I hate the Beetles. I think comic con is a joke. I detest rap. I don't really care about football...or most sports. I don't even care much for "college fun." I I can't do scary movies. I'm not a huge fan of art galleries. I don't like "LOL" or things like that. I'm really not that into mountains (I know...I'm surrounded by them). Vines are alright. 

Do you get it? I don't like a lot of the things most people my age right now are raving about. So I'd beat myself up for being different and not being like everyone else. All because of a stupid number!!! Now that is messed up. Trying to change who I am for more numbers. Pathetic. 

But I still care about the numbers! It's been engraved into my head for some stupid reason. Every "like" I get feeds into it. 

Is it bad? 

Yeah, it really can be. 

But if you stop looking at how many numbers you get and instead start looking at who is interested in it, maybe it can change your perception. It means so much more when somebody I personally know and care about likes something than if some random stranger likes it. Now you shouldn't change who you are so the closest people around you like you more. Just be yourself! Be who you are offline when you are online! It's much better that way. 

It may not mean more numbers but you'll be more real than those numbers could ever show you. 

"God, I just don't understand. Please help me understand..."

Some days you feel worthless.

Yesterday I was struggling with feeling like I wasn't good enough to be at BYU. A lot of people think that in order to go to BYU, you have to be a smart, well-rounded student. Well I haven't felt like I am smart enough to be at BYU since before I even arrived at BYU.
I did not chose BYU from the start. It's actually not where I wanted to go in the first place. However, I felt like it was where I needed to go right now. I've been trying to understand why and I have come up with multiple reasons, but there is still a lot of questions as to why BYU was right for me.
I got a scholarship here. So financially, it makes sense. I'm multi-cultural, so admittance into BYU makes sense. I was involved in a lot of different clubs in high school, so I have that background. I'm LDS. I've overcome a hardship that changed me (application essay). I live close, so it seems like a logical choice for me.
But why me? Why is BYU a place where I am supposed to be right now?
Yesterday I had a really rough day at school. I had to take two tests and one I was not prepared for. I failed my first test at college (and as a freshman...failing scares you half to death) and then the other one I struggled with the outcome of the test. I had studied for this other test. The first time I took a test for this class was when I accidentally took it without studying and ended up doing surprisingly well on it. So I figured with studying I would do even better...makes sense right? However, that wasn't the case. In fact I barely even passed the test.
I was so angry. At myself. At God. At the school. At everything.
Why was I here when I was just barely passing classes? Am I really "smart" enough to be at this school? Did I really make the right choice coming here? Why did I do worse when I studied? I should have done better! That's what they tell you...so why was I the exception? This happened when I took the ACT too! I didn't study, took the test and did better than when I did study and then I did the best when I didn't study or even have a math class for about a year!
So what is wrong with me? Am I not capable of learning like other people?

Why am I at BYU?

I pleaded with God to know why. I cried and I cried. I apologized for being angry with Him but I really didn't understand the purpose of being at BYU and that's all I wanted to know. I just wanted some answers I've been asking since the day I clicked that "I plan to attend" button. Why did I feel like this was where I needed to be right now, instead of being where I wanted to be?
I had no close friends coming into BYU. I still don't have any. They're phasing out my major so I might not even be able to finish it at BYU. I don't do well without having somebody I'm close with around. I'm barely getting through my classes. I sit alone every day in classes. I feel so small on campus. I don't get any attention (sounds selfish...but you want to be noticed every now and then). I sit at home while my roommates go out with friends. I've started feeling like it's not even worth it to look nice if nobody would notice me anyways. I started dealing with my eating disorder again since the day I arrived. Feelings of being unloved, unwanted, stupid, ugly, not social, unfriendly, unapproachable, worthless kept coming to me...every day getting worse.

What made all of this worth it?

Had I known this was how I would feel at BYU, would I have chosen coming here?

Honestly, I don't know.

But I do know this is where I'm supposed to be. I keep forgetting the things I have already learned as to why BYU was the right choice for me. I can't imagine how things would have been, had I chosen my dream school instead of the school I thought I was never going to go to. BYU let me keep my job, one that I love...even when it gets redundant. I still have my family close for when I am in need of people who will understand me and people I can be myself around. I was able to spend more time with the guy I love than I would have, had I chosen somewhere else. I still have my high school nearby...which is actually good because I loved high school and miss it more than anyone out there haha. I got to see my grandparents when they came to visit because I was still in the area. I got to keep my home ward so close to me which has been beneficial for some exciting things that I am now starting on.

BYU has given me so much more than any other school could have offered me right now. I didn't want to admit it, but I needed BYU more than BYU needed me. They could have continued on with life had I chosen to decline them.

But could I?
Probably...but I wouldn't be better off.

So even though I don't fully understand why I'm here, I know it's where I should be. And knowing that makes all the difference. God doesn't want me to fail. He is only doing what He knows is best for me. I don't see things the way He does and sometimes I forget that. People have made it possible for me to be here, so I should take advantage of that. I should make the most of what I was given and strive to do my best.

Then, and only then, is when I'll start to more fully understand God's plan for me here at BYU.

Sometimes Changes Bring Destruction

So this is going to be a hard post for me but I think it's healthiest for me to write it. I'm not writing this for attention or pity, it's just becoming harmful for me to keep hiding it.

As many of you know, I have suffered from an eating disorder (you can read my story about that following this link: http://dreadfulthoughtsofadistraughtteen.blogspot.com/2014/03/sharing-my-storyits-about-time-i-did.html) . I started doing a lot better and was eating more regularly. I finally felt like I had taken control of what had possessed me for a long time. Friends and family made sure I was eating more and they tried to help in any way they could.
 

And then college hit me.
 

At first I was doing great and making sure I was eating still, but slowly I found myself making excuses to skip a meal here and there. I started making excuses not to buy more groceries because I had other things to pay like rent, textbooks, paying my mom back, etc. Eating was always last on my list and if I didn't get to it...oh well.

I've started to really analyze my thinking from the past couple of months because I could see a change in myself. It seems almost subtle at first glance but as it has been on my mind lately, I've started to realize what's really been going on.

It wasn't until I had a big and important assignment in my nutrition class that it really started to bother me. See before this assignment I kept telling myself I was eating too much and I needed to cut back, but then for my class we had to record what we ate for 3 days and I knew with how I was eating, it would raise some eyebrows. So I told myself I'd eat more for those 3 days so that it looked like I was "average." That didn't happen. I actually ended up doing worse every time I tried. As the deadline came close, I started freaking out. I didn't know what I was going to do. I could make up what I ate and just do the assignment that way or actually write down what I had eaten and just turn it in.

I emailed my TA instead. I told them what was going on and the emotional stress I was going through. I didn't get excused from the assignment, don't think I did it for that...but it was able to help me realize how bad things have gotten.

I've realized I put on a face for people out in public lately. I've gone back to hiding - I don't want to be associated as struggling with an eating disorder because it makes me feel weak and not good enough to overcome it. I don't want people thinking I do it because of attention.

I've started to see why I haven't been eating much...the real reason.

I walk around campus every day for about 5-6 hours and I just see hundreds of girls that look prettier and healthier than I do. Then I come home to an apartment of girls who once again look prettier and healthier than I do. My ward is filled with girls I compare as prettier than myself. I pull up Facebook and scroll through more gorgeous girls I know. And at the end of the day, I feel none of that towards myself.

I don't feel pretty.
I don't feel healthy.
I don't feel like myself.
I feel like I can't even compare to the hundreds of girls around me.

I haven't felt this much control from the disorder in a really long time. I'm surrounded by lots of new people and I just keep comparing myself to them...and I can't stop. I put myself in a position where all I can think of is how great so and so is and how I'll never look like them or act like them. It doesn't help that when things change in a really big way for me, I start to retreat. So I see all these people more outgoing than I am and I retreat even further. I feel pressured to be more outgoing but it scares me because I feel like I have nothing to offer.

Nobody will want to be friends with somebody like me here at BYU.
I'm just a child.
Other girls are prettier.
I'm a nobody on this huge campus.

And that alone has been a really hard adjustment for me.

And so...I've retreated.

I never feel like myself anymore whenever I'm on campus or at my apartment...or anywhere in Provo. And so I yearn for the way things used to be. I wish more than anything I could go back and just stay a little longer.

It just proves that this disorder is a life-long battle I will have to deal with. You can tell me the way I think is wrong, but that is never going to change how I think of myself. It's harder than you think. You can't just tell me that I should stop thinking the way I do...because it doesn't work like that.

I want to be happy with myself again, but right now....that isn't happening.

There is some good news to this. For the longest time my sister has told me to get a therapist for help. I'm finally ready to take that step because I'm scared of what will happen if I don't. I'm tired of this and I'm finally ready to do something about it right now. Pray for me to have strength to go through with it.

Never Grow Up

So tomorrow I'm moving out. To be honest, I have been counting down the days ever since I was 16 and now I can't believe it's almost time. I'm not gonna lie, I'm excited more than anything but I'm also frightened to death. I always imagined moving out to be different. I thought I would have friends with me along the way. But as time got closer I realized that they will be with me along the way...they just wouldn't be right next to me all the time like I hoped for.

My closest friends aren't coming with me. The people I've grown up with aren't coming with me. I'll be on my own. In an apartment with 3 other girls who I don't even know. That's scary!!!

I've been putting up a wall the past few weeks of how I feel about moving out because I knew as the time got closer I would lose it if I didn't have that wall up. I have been so ready and so excited to move out, but it's also been hard on me and as I watch some of my best friends go off to their own future, I get even more afraid. Because I know I won't have them like I did in the past.

It's so hard to say goodbye to those who have been there for you through everything for so long. There are

never enough words to say when the time comes. One person I will miss soo much is Shaina. This girl has been one of my rocks the past three years. I can't believe how much she has helped me. When I first met her, I never would have thought she would become so special to me (if you know the story of what I first thought of her, then you'll completely understand). But seriously, she's been there to help me so much. Whenever I was struggling, she was there to pick me up. She understood me in a different way than most people did and I'm so glad we became friends. I hope you have an amazing time in college Shaina! Just know I will be missing you tons...especially when things start to get rough. Thank you for all you have done. For always being there when I was afraid, or upset. For letting me just cry. For just being an amazing friend. I never got to tell you how much your friendship has meant to me. You truly saved me and I have no idea where I would be if I didn't have you all through high school.

I am frightened to leave my friends behind and not have the opportunity to see them everyday. You don't realize that you take high school for granted, until  the day you graduate. High school provided a place where you could see your best friends every day, practically every hour for 6 hours, 5 days in a row. Sometimes you'll see them even more because of all the extra things. Like track, sports, theatre, choir, band, orchestra, dance, etc.. And we think it will be like that forever. But every year around May we get reminded that you grow up and some move on. Every year you say goodbye to the seniors and feel bad that you don't have them anymore. But you're okay in the end because you know you still have your other friends for a couple more years.

Then senior year comes around and it's you that is leaving everyone behind. You're not coming back. You're going off on your own.

When I graduated I honestly broke inside. High school has been everything to me the past three years. I was so involved and I never really wanted to leave. I didn't want to say goodbye to my friends. I didn't want them to go off to college. I didn't want all of us to grow up and go separate ways. I was selfish...and I still am. I wanted all of it to be the same because I was afraid to let everyone go.

Some people have heard my joke about how people usually get depressed because they are in high school, but I was gonna be the one to get depressed because I'm not gonna be in high school. And that's honestly how I feel. Everyone says college is a blast, and I believe it. I just wish I could have my friends with me when I experience it.

College is a big thing. And when I'm on BYU's campus I feel like a little girl. Where everything looks bigger
than it really is but in reality, you're just really small. And you know what? It frightens me. I don't consider myself old enough to be at college. I feel so young and I don't feel like I belong. And the transition so far has felt so natural that it actually has scared me how natural it feels...if that makes any sense.

My Drama Class Family

The biggest thing I think I will miss from high school is my drama family. They have been everything to me and I was so lucky that I had them. I'm so glad they welcomed me into the family with open arms and loving hearts. My drama family holds a special place in my heart. I love you guys! And that also includes my "extended drama family," the theatre department. You guys are so talented and I'm so sad I won't get to interact with you all every day.

I'm gonna miss going to young womens. That had always been a place of love and comfort to me. I have always had the best leaders who have supported me and helped me way beyond their calling required. They became friends and some were even family to me. The young womens program has truly blessed my life and it's gonna be hard for me not to be a part of it anymore. I tried to put off leaving as much as possible, but every week I knew it was coming and I didn't want to accept it. It makes me sad that Wednesdays will be different now. I loved having those two hours to be with the girls in my ward. They are so special and I love them all dearly. I know God looks over them all and I came to understand just a portion of the love He has for those girls when I was a leader at girls camp this year.

I'm really gonna miss everything. I'm not ready to leave it all behind and I don't want to. But it's time. I have to be strong. I have to be brave. I have to do this. Luckily I have The Lord to help me when I feel alone or out of place. I'm glad that even though I'm giving up a lot of my past, I don't have to give him up. I am so glad I know that He lives and loves me and knows my names and desires. I'm glad He understands me more than I understand myself. I don't want to lose Him because I walked away from Him once and I have never felt so out of place in my life. I need Him now more than ever before and honestly, I think that's one reason why I felt like BYU was right for me.

I want to thank my family for putting up with my mood swings, my laughter, my tears, my love life, my heartbreaks, my struggles, my successes, my passions, my anger, my stupidity, my sass, my drama, my everything the past 18 years. Nobody has stayed by me through everything like they have. I'm gonna miss my younger sisters a lot. We've always been known as "three peas in a pod" and at times we are inseparable. I'm gonna miss having them in the room next to me, screaming their heads off or laughing about some stupid thing. It's gonna be hard not being able to joke around with them as much as we have. They understand me so much more than anybody else I know. They are amazing young women and I am so proud to be their sister. Boys better watch out because they are amazing and they deserve the best and I'll make sure that they get only the best!

Goodbyes are really hard for me. I don't like having to say goodbye, but for some I know we might not ever cross paths on this earth again. Which is sad, but it's the truth. I wish for all of you happiness. I hope you all find it. I hope you all find love in your life as well. I hope you find what you've been looking for in this life. And to those who are starting out on their senior year this year. Live it up! Don't take a moment for granted. It will fly by. Take lots of pictures, laugh, learn, love and just be yourself. Don't live with regrets. I know it's cliche but it honestly is true. I love you all so much and I will miss having you all in my life so often. If you ever need me, let me know though. Because chances are...I'll be needing you too. And even though I'm growing up and moving on, I'm not growing up at the same time. Always keep your childlike qualities.

I love you all and watch me as I take my life in a whole new direction and do my best to make it the most amazing life for myself. I'm ready now. I'm ready to walk out that door and know that I won't be coming back to stay. I'm ready to make a life for myself. I'm ready to never completely grow up. I'm ready to be me.

Forever and always,
Alissa A. Lopez


If you want you may watch this:

http://flipagram.com/f/HEuK8ZC0l2

We All Fall Down Sometimes

Do you ever have those moments where you're just feeling low for no reason? This past week that has been happening every once and a while. How do you deal with them? How do you pick yourself up, not even knowing what's wrong in the first place? It can be difficult. But nobody likes people in a pity party...so what do you do? I hate feeling like somebody's burden.

One thing I do is I start to try and appreciate all the little things. A good hair day, a nice text, getting my nails done, watching a good tv show. Something simple. Sometimes after I start appreciating all the little things, it adds up to the big stuff and I suddenly feel better about the day and about myself. However this doesn't always work for me.

Sometimes I have to make a drastic change in order for me to feel better. And those don't always come.

For me, one of the best way I get out of these odd moments is through my friends. They lift me up and because I see them trying to make me happy and really doing all they can to make me feel better, I do start to feel better. I think it's because I feel loved and so it makes me feel better.

Also, whenever I feel down on myself and don't know what else to do to make me feel better, I turn to my religion. I read my scriptures, I pray...etc. I do things that spiritually uplift me and that tends to help me out.

So yeah, these were just some thoughts I had today that I thought I would share. It really isn't much but I just wanted to get it out there. I hope you found something for yourself in this little post :)

Little thoughts....

So we are down to the final month of summer...and school is going to be starting really soon for a lot of you. The past few days I've had some interesting experiences that have hit me in different ways.

This first experience came to me kind of randomly this week. So I love music...a ton. I have always connected deeply with music and have explored different ways to use music as expression throughout the years. I played piano for a while which got me started in realizing that I could express myself in a musical way. After a while I moved onto the flute where I indulged myself into music and completely fell in love with it but it still wasn't enough for me. So I turned to musical theatre. I delighted in expressing myself in different characters and connecting it to an audience. After a while dance entered my life and I found a whole new way to express myself once again. At first when I started dancing, I danced the emotions that connected to the piece I was dancing but I didn't feel like I was telling people how I honestly felt. I still just felt like a character. So when I finally choreographed a dance, I finally gave myself completely to an audience. That was an amazing feeling for me. After that I found ways to express myself through singing. So, yeah...I've gone through a lot of different kinds of music and it has been my life. The past few days though I have come to a realization of how much music connects to people these days. I have learned through music in my life and this week I had this feeling that I should start reaching out to people through music. I don't really know how or why but it's something that has been on my mind recently...but yeah....

Alright so this week I found my apartment for when I'll be at school. It's quite crazy actually and I can't believe it's all happening so fast! It kind of scares me a little...okay it actually scares me A LOT! And even though I'm going to be close to my family, it still scares me to death. I have counted down the years, months, days, hours, etc. for this day and it's so close I can't believe it. I'm finally growing up...and it's happening all so fast! I still feel like a little girl. I don't feel old enough to be getting an apartment or old enough to be going to college...but I am. I'm scared half to death. I hate big changes. Actually I hate going into things and feeling inadequate and unsure of how to do things, but that's exactly what I'm going to be doing...so it frightens me. And the thing that scares me most? I'll be alone. I don't have a lot of friends that are going to the same college as me and if they are, they aren't going into my major.

However I have hope. I know that I the Lord on my side throughout these next few years. He wants me to succeed and I know He will be there, willing to helping every step of the way, as long as I let Him.

This past summer I have really started to have a new kind of love for my Father in Heaven. I've watched as my testimony has grown in just a few short months. Yes, it's always been growing...but this past month it has pretty much just exploded big time and my testimony has been growing so much in all different aspects of life. I have always seen the Lord in my life but I didn't see it in even the smallest things until recently...whether it be through a smile, or even a text. The Lord really is in my life and I am so glad I have the knowledge I have of the gospel and I know I still have a lifetime of things to learn.

So these are just a few things on my mind lately...I don't really have time to indulge into everything at the moment but I will soon. I have something that has been on my mind that I want to talk about but I only want to talk about that subject when I post it...so there will be another post soon :) But yeah...that's all for tonight!

Am I Really Ready?

So lately I've been given some time to look back at all the great years I have been given. With my new job it has given me the opportunity to actually catch up with some people that used to be a big part of my life at some point. I'm already getting emotional about this and I don't even know why hahaha. Anyways, as I look back through all the years I start to miss all of it.
I miss being young and carefree. I miss the summers where I could play outside four hours, tackle my sisters, play dress up, play house, play barbies, go to the park during the day, not caring about how my body looked, not having to worry about looking good for boys, not having to think about all the little things...the list could go on. It's strange thinking how all those things slowly started to fade out of my life. I look at myself now and I'm a completely different person.

I've grown up.

And it makes me sad.

Don't get me wrong, I love that I've started growing up but I do miss the good ol' days.

I think about little Alissa and I can only think how proud she must be looking at who she has become today. She graduated high school. She's headed to BYU. She's holding two jobs which she loves with all her heart. She has amazing friends and family that support her constantly. She truly is amazing. She's been through so much and I bet that little girl never could have imagined herself going through all the battles she went through and how she came out victorious in them.

Looking back at myself...when I was little I loved God more than anything and I always thought I would stay close to him because he was close to my daddy in heaven. However, that wasn't the case. As I started growing up, I pulled away from my God and came to a point where I no longer even knew who He was and all the things He had done for me. I hate to say it, but I didn't love Him as much as that little girl did...and it killed me and still does. Everyone expected me to have the same love for Him as they did...but I couldn't find it in myself. I was so empty all of those years. Finally, towards the end of my sophomore year I started to find love for my God again. I don't know what it was exactly that helped me...it was a lot of little things but they all added up until one day I was filled with such a love for my God that I could not deny it anymore. I learned for myself finally that I have a God that is good and is there for me. I can't tell you how much it hurt me to walk away from my God. I didn't feel like I was worthy to even come back to Him, but He accepted me with open arms the night when I cried out for help. When I thought I had lost everything, He gave me what I needed. I had been so empty without Him that I thought there was no hope for me. I came to a point where I hated myself for everything I did. Every little thing I criticized because I couldn't do anything good enough. I remember the night where I sat in my room alone and just cried. I honestly almost lost it that night but because my God loves me more than anything He wanted to help me and that's just what He did. I love Him. He has saved my life, even when I didn't want Him to at the time He did anyways because He could see more in me than I could in myself. Thank you God for making me stronger and helping heal me.

That little girl never would have thought she'd have to deal with leaving her best friend, her Father, her God.

The one thing I remember when I was little was my dreams. I had HUGE dreams as a little girl but through the years they have faded and I didn't really have any big dreams anymore. This new job has helped me to dream bigger which I have loved soooo much!

I love looking back at the little girl I once was an realizing how much I have grown. I really am different than that little girl but at the same time we are still pretty much the same.

I'm also writing this post because I am super excited for my future. I literally want to jump out of my seat in excitement because of my future.

I'm telling you now, I have a lot that is going to be happening to help me grow up even more and make me an even better person. I am letting go of some insecurities which scares me half to death but I'm ready to start letting go of them and finally do something about them. Some of them are little things like cutting my hair short...that's in a couple of months but it's a huge fear of mine haha. But there are some big fears I'm going to be facing and I'm not going to hold back anymore.

So little Alissa, take my hand and we'll go on this roller coaster together. It's not going to be easy but we'll make it to the end, safe and sound.

So Alissa.

Are you ready? (As ready as I'll ever be.)













Get set. (Deep breaths...deep breaths...)














Go.

Easter Traditions, Meanings and more

I love the Easter season! Not because of all the candy, easter egg hunts, and coloring eggs. Yes all of those things can be fun but Easter has always meant more to me. I'd like to think that it's because of the way my mom always treated Easter in our home. Ever since I can remember, we had this tradition in our home. The week before Easter we would have a special Family Home Evening lesson. My mom would pull out a carton of plastic eggs. In each one there was something that related to Christ's life. I remember the little nail inside one of the eggs and my mom had each of us prick our fingers so we could feel just the little pain it gave us. I always looked forward to the Easter lesson. We haven't done it the past few years as we have started growing up but I still think about it every year. It helped me to understand Easter better and have a better appreciation for Christ and all He did for me as well as having a bigger love for my Father in Heaven.

I love Easter traditions. My family doesn't have many but the ones we do have I enjoy. It's sad that now that all of us are growing up a lot of the traditions we did have are now gone. I remember when I was little, when we first moved here we had to look for our Easter baskets. We don't hide the baskets anymore but that's okay :) It was always fun and exciting :) We each have our own baskets (this one still stands today) and my mom coordinates our easter grass to match us best. I usually end up with yellow grass because yellow is my favorite color. One tradition I love is the easter egg hunt and even though we all are getting older we still have one every year. My oldest sister has autism and loves easter egg hunts, so we do them even today. One year my mom wasn't going to do it but my sisters and I decided to use our own candy and pitch in the little money we had and we ended up having the easter egg hunt that year. Not just for ourselves but for our older sister Sandra.

Even though we have all these fun traditions, we must not forget to remember Christ and the real meaning of Easter. I owe my life to Him.  He gave His life for me. Christ has always been there for me. He's my brother and I love him more than anything. I have had many blessing but out of all of them, one thing stands out the most from one of the blessings I received. I was having a really hard time and I was so lost. I was struggling with my faith and I felt like I had no where to go. It got so bad and everything felt so wrong. I finally decided to reach out to my Father in Heaven. So I went to my old seminary teacher and I asked for a blessing. In the blessing, he said that Christ had paid for all my sins. He atoned for all of them and died for me. And he would do it all over again and do it all for just me. I have never felt so close to Christ and my Father in Heaven.

I have made many mistakes. I've done things I'm not proud of and I look back and wonder how I ever got into the situations I was in. A few years ago, I was going to church just because that's what I had to do and I was going to seminary to look the part of a "good Mormon girl" but I started to question my faith and found myself not believing the same things that everyone else in my faith seemed to believe. Everyone had testimonies about prayer, family, service, the atonement, etc. However, I didn't have any testimony of it. I got to a point where I had nothing but then God lifted me up and gave me everything I needed. I didn't have everything the world thinks you need but I had what God knew I needed. Because of the atonement I was able to not only wash away my sins but to find peace with myself. I kept telling myself I had done so much damage that there was no way for me to come back to Christ. I now know that that was Satan's words in my head. He knew how strong I could be with the Lord on my side and he didn't want me on my Father's side. I had no idea how strong God could make me, but I have done so much thanks to Him.

I continue to make mistakes every now and then. I'm not perfect. I'm human and I fall every now and then. But because Christ has payed the price for me I can repent and be made whole again. I do all I can on my own and I know he will make up for the difference. I feel His love every day in my life. I give thanks to Him for all he has done.

I am so grateful Christ died for each of us so that we can be resurrected again. I can't express my joy that I will be able to see my earthly father again someday. I love him so much and I miss him. I know he walks with me and I do all I can to make him proud. My father always watches over me and I have felt him with me more than once. I still remember the feeling I had when I was baptized. I could feel him there with me and I know he will be there with me when I graduate and I know without a doubt he'll be at my wedding one day. He lives inside me and my sisters. He will always be a huge part of my life and I can't wait to see him again. I know it will be a glorious day when me and my sisters finally get to be with our father again. I can already imagine the joy my sisters and I will feel when we all get to run to him again and see him. Even though I haven't had the kind of father most people have had, I've been blessed to have an angel as my father. I can't wait to personally thank him for all he's done for me and I want him to know how much I know he's been there for me. I will never forget him. I could never forget him.

This Easter I have had so much to be grateful for and I can't express all of my gratitude in words to my Father in Heaven. I love Christ and I love my Heavenly Father. Thank you. It sounds so simple but I can't tell it to you enough. I know I'll always need you. Thank you for your patience and your love.

I hope you all have had an amazing Easter this year. Remember what Easter is all about and keep the spirit of Easter with you through this week and throughout the rest of the year. Happy Easter!

A Penny for my Thoughts

   Recently I've been doing a lot of thinking. As this past spring break went by it's got me thinking about how close it is to me graduating. I really can't believe how fast this year has gone by. Looking back, I realize that I have learned a lot about myself, about others and about just life in general.
I have lost some friends this year but have gained many others. I made a lot of mistakes this year but I have learned from them and I continue to learn from all of them. That's what life is all about right? Learning. I want to just say a few things from what I've learned this past year. Hopefully you will get something from what I have to say :)
   Now I'm already getting teary-eyed but this year I have learned just how strong I can be. It's been a really rough year for me and I can imagine each of you had your own struggles this year as well, but as I look back on this year...this one has definitely been my hardest year yet. I have been tested in ways I never thought I would be tested in. I have had to deal with failures like I've never had to before, heartbreaks like never before, promises broken, loneliness, fears, betrayals, broken friendships, my family, myself. By far the hardest thing for me this year has been myself. I look back at the beginning of the year and I can see how much stronger I have become. I have fought through everything that life has given me this past year and it makes me sad that anyone would have to go through all of that. It's kind of overwhelming looking back at it all and realizing just how much a little girl had to deal with in just one year. I never wish for anyone to have any of the feelings I had this year about myself. I started the year off really shaky. I was in a place in my life where I really was getting tired of life and I was never really happy. Then I fought with feeling like a failure because I could no longer do things the way I used to, making me have to quit things and I never felt good enough for anything or for anyone. Throughout the whole year, I have never really been happy to look at myself in the mirror and be comfortable with what I saw. I struggled with feeling like something was wrong with me.
   And then I felt alone. There have only been a few times when I have ever felt truly alone but the worst was earlier this year. There aren't even words to express how alone I felt. I struggled every day with feeling like I had to face all my problems by myself. I felt like I didn't have somebody to turn to who would understand me. I started missing how things used to be and I didn't know what to do anymore. I became worried that I would never feel like I was truly happy ever again. It seemed so far out of reach.
Well I don't know what happened but slowly I didn't feel as alone anymore. I want to say that it's because of all the amazing friends I have. I started to realize that they may not understand exactly how I feel but they would do anything to make sure I was okay and they would always be there for me. I can't tell you how grateful I am for the friends I have. They take time out of their day to make sure I am okay and I never feel like I deserve it.
   Just a few weeks ago I was struggling with some stuff and I just needed somebody to talk to. I had come to a realization about how I was feeling towards a few things about myself during one of my classes one day. As I went to my next class I had to tell somebody. I couldn't just hold it in because I needed to just let somebody understand what I just came to understand. I pulled aside my friend before class started and just told her how I felt. I didn't expect to cry but as the tears streamed down my cheeks I was thankful for her and her understanding.
   Not only did my friends help me so I didn't feel alone anymore, but I know my God helped me as well. I have seen many times this year when I am feeling even the tiniest bit alone, He comes and rescues me. I've seen it at work, at school, during a rehearsal, at seminary...anywhere. It will be so subtle but it hits me hard every time I realize it. It even happened just this past week at work through a little girl. God knows how to make me feel special. I know He knows me and I can always rely on Him. He has always been there for me, even if I didn't want Him to be and I can't express enough gratitude to Him.
   The past few months I have finally started to feel happy. It has felt so amazing to be truly happy. Yes, I still have bad days...we all do. But overall, these past few months I have been extremely happy. I fought through a big storm this year and I know I have many more to come but I know I can make it through it. My life still has its issues and it is far from perfect, but I've started to learn to just dance through the storm. So with whatever storm you are traveling through, I advise you to jump in the puddles, splash around and just dance through it all. It will be hard and you'll get tired of it, but eventually you will find happiness from it.
   I am very proud of myself for not giving up so easy. I've finally made it to the next step in my life. It's going to be a different step than the ones before but I can make it through it. I have been shown just how strong I am...even for a little girl. And the strength I now have, it's going to take me far.

Time for a little rant

We'll I'm going to tell you right now...this is going to be a ranting post.

A lot of things have been bothering me lately but I didn't want to say anything cuz I figured it wasn't a big deal and people would just think I'm super dramatic. Well maybe I am being dramatic about this and blowing it out of proportion but oh well.

I am really getting tired of people acting like they are my friends when really I know they aren't. I'm not as stupid as people may think. I know a lot more about people than I let people believe. I hear a lot of things and let's just say that when you talk bad about people or you lie to them, it will eventually get back to them. Sometimes I don't have to be told of the things people say behind my back...I have actually accidentally heard some of it. I'm sick of hearing people think I'm some slut or some fake. 

Yes. I flirt. Is that a crime?! 

No. It's human. 

Just because I flirt doesn't mean I'm a slut.

Now about being a fake...I feel like I'm pretty real when I talk with people. I'm the same at home as I am at school...crazy, sometimes a bit blonde, sometimes I get angry at people or get frustrated at stupid things. That's who I am. Yes, there is a side of me that I keep hidden from everyone but that's because it's my personal struggles. I'm not going to load everyone with all the trials I deal with, that's just unfair to all of you. So I deal with that myself. Does that really make me fake? I don't think it does. Everyone does that. If it makes me fake then it would make you a fake. And I don't think you like being called fake...do you? Then stop calling others fake when you know nothing.

One thing that really has been bothering me is the fact that people are pretending to be my friend so they can get something from me. I'm sorry but my biggest pet peeve is people using other people for their own personal gain. I am not some stepping stone to the next best thing. I have feelings and if you want something from me just tell me. Don't just pretend to be my friend for it. I'll be blunt with you. Try to use me for something and I'll try and make sure you don't get it.

I was once used by somebody a few years ago as an ego boost. I have never felt so broken when I found out that they didn't actually care about me the way they had led me to believe. Then they apologized and told me they had changed and I fell for it again. The last time they tried to come to apologize I had had enough and finally had learned my lesson. I learned a lot from them and now I can catch when people just want something from me. And I may not act like I know...but boy do I know. 

So in short...don't use me or anyone else for that matter. It hurts and it's wrong and some day karma will bite you in the butt.

Well I guess that's enough ranting. Sorry for all the negativity in this post...I just had to get it out.