Sharing My Story...it's about time I did

Alright. So as many of you know I've been supporting everyone who is trying to find help with an eating disorder this past week since it was National Eating Disorders Awareness Week. Well I don't know what you guys have thought about me and my affiliation with it so I thought it was about time to share my story. There are very few people who know about this outside my family because I don't talk about it. It's something I like to keep to myself.  This is going to be extremely hard for me but I feel like it's about time I talk about it. A lot of what I am going to say nobody knows about...not even my family. So here it goes...

I have dealt with an eating disorder for the past few years. I have always known what eating disorders do to your body. I went into my eating disorder fully aware of how it all worked...well I thought I was aware of it all. Turned out...I was completely wrong.

A few years ago I was dealing with a lot and didn't really know how to deal with it. I started having suicidal thoughts but I was too afraid to just end my life. I didn't want to just die because I felt like I would miss out on something and I wanted to see if life would turn out differently so I went to an eating disorder. I thought I would be able to control it so that if I ever ended up changing my mind about wanting to end my life I could easily go back to the life I had before. But eating disorders don't work like that. At first, I felt like I had control over my ED but as time went on I started realizing how little control I had over it.

I dealt with anorexia for some time. As the first year went on I started slipping into a different mind state. The way I viewed myself got really bad. I had known about all the physical stuff that comes with an eating disorder but I had very little knowledge of the metal and emotional sides of an eating disorder. They aren't easy to overcome. That's what held me back from wanting to get out of the trap I put myself in. When I heard people telling me that I looked good because I had lost some weight I thought I was doing the right thing and that I was in control of my ED. I was wrong though. I kept giving into my ED more and more and the compliments started to change. I still had people tell me that I looked good and everything but I was also starting to hear other comments along with it. I was told how tired I looked all the time and I easily brushed that off saying I didn't get enough sleep. Granted half the time I wasn't sleeping enough because I was staying up late finishing homework but I had plenty of times where I would catch up on sleep and still get the same comments. But there were other things that people talked about. I often lost balance. I was getting headaches all the time. I got lightheaded doing pretty much anything. I would get black outs so often I became used to it...and there were lots of other things, but I ignored it all. Physically, I didn't see a change. I would look at myself in the mirror as I got ready for the day and all I could see is the fat I still needed to get rid of. I hated looking in the mirror because I always found something else that needed fixing. Even though I hated mirrors, I became obsessed with them. I had to know what else was wrong with me. I had to know what I needed to fix and it just became a crazy obsession. Before I knew it, my life started to revolve around my ED but I didn't want anybody to know about it.

However, one day I was finally called out on it. I denied it at first but it got to the point where I started to see what people were talking about. At first I continued to be oblivious to it but finally I gave up on hiding it to myself and I admitted to the fact that I was dealing with anorexia. Slowly and hesitantly I started on my path to recovery. It didn't take long before I found myself dealing with my ED once again. I slipped back into how I had been treating my body for over a year. It just became like second nature to me. That's when I started to realize how little control I had over my ED. Whatever control I thought I had in the beginning, I no longer had. The rules had changed and my ED was the leader.

When I started my recovery, the only reason I decided to get help was because people were finding out about my ED and I wanted them to stop thinking about it. I figured the only way to do that was to please them and pretend everything was okay. So I tried to recover for other people. I didn't do it for myself and for that reason I failed the first time.

I shocked my body as I "recovered" and I would get sick from eating more than what my body was used to. Finally I figured it wasn't worth it anymore. I thought it would just be better to live with my ED than to recover from it. So I decided to try and hide the fact that I was still dealing with my ED and just pretend like I was still recovering from it. However, I had friends that saw through it and they wouldn't let me give up so easily. They watched me and supported me. Even though I wasn't ready to really recover, they understood that and they helped me in any way they could. So even though my body was having a hard time adjusting to bigger portions and I didn't want to keep fighting, I kept going because of them. The fact that they wanted me to fight so hard made me want to fight just for them.

It's been a couple of years now and I still can't say I'm perfect and have fully recovered. Eating disorders stay with you for a lifetime. It's hard to change that kind of mentality. It's something I am going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. It doesn't just change overnight. And there are times where I fall back and don't progress in my recovery, but I'm still fighting. It's a difficult challenge but it's not one I have had to face alone. I have a long way to go but I now have a reason to fight and I will. I want to live my life in a healthy way so that I can keep doing the things I love. Now I am fighting for me.

This week has helped me so much and I want to thank everyone who has been supporting me this week. A lot of my friends had no idea that I have dealt with an eating disorder but the fact that they were supporting me anyways was amazing! I can't thank them enough. So even though the week is over, eating disorders are still around. They will always be there and it's our job to spread the awareness. I'm grateful that I have been able to start to turn my life around and fight this disease.

Now, I didn't write this to get pity or to have people tell me that I shouldn't think of myself the way I do. I know that I shouldn't, but I do. However, I am healing and I have come a long way from where I was just a few months ago. I plan on living my life a little healthier from now on. I'm not writing this post for attention, it really is hard for me to say all of this to so many people at once. It scares me but I know it's going to help me recover and that is why I did it. For myself to heal. So, here I go. Onto the rest of my journey of recovery. Wish me luck! And if you are dealing with an eating disorder, I wish you the best of luck as well. I know how difficult they can be to overcome. Keep fighting...it's worth it.

Here's a recap from all the things I did this week!

"Mirrorless Monday"
Went the whole day without looking at myself in a mirror!

"Operation Beautiful Tuesday"
Attacked the bathroom at school with uplifting quotes

"Let it go Wednesday"
We wrote our insecurities on balloons and let them go!

"Treat yourself Thursday"
Went to Jamba Juice with some friends and then my sister took me out for frozen yogurt later that night.

"Free yourself Friday"
I wrote a letter to myself of where I want to be by next year

"Selfies for Self-confidence Saturday"
Took some selfies of myself throughout the day