So lately I've been given some time to look back at all the great years I have been given. With my new job it has given me the opportunity to actually catch up with some people that used to be a big part of my life at some point. I'm already getting emotional about this and I don't even know why hahaha. Anyways, as I look back through all the years I start to miss all of it.
I miss being young and carefree. I miss the summers where I could play outside four hours, tackle my sisters, play dress up, play house, play barbies, go to the park during the day, not caring about how my body looked, not having to worry about looking good for boys, not having to think about all the little things...the list could go on. It's strange thinking how all those things slowly started to fade out of my life. I look at myself now and I'm a completely different person.
I've grown up.
And it makes me sad.
Don't get me wrong, I love that I've started growing up but I do miss the good ol' days.
I think about little Alissa and I can only think how proud she must be looking at who she has become today. She graduated high school. She's headed to BYU. She's holding two jobs which she loves with all her heart. She has amazing friends and family that support her constantly. She truly is amazing. She's been through so much and I bet that little girl never could have imagined herself going through all the battles she went through and how she came out victorious in them.
Looking back at myself...when I was little I loved God more than anything and I always thought I would stay close to him because he was close to my daddy in heaven. However, that wasn't the case. As I started growing up, I pulled away from my God and came to a point where I no longer even knew who He was and all the things He had done for me. I hate to say it, but I didn't love Him as much as that little girl did...and it killed me and still does. Everyone expected me to have the same love for Him as they did...but I couldn't find it in myself. I was so empty all of those years. Finally, towards the end of my sophomore year I started to find love for my God again. I don't know what it was exactly that helped me...it was a lot of little things but they all added up until one day I was filled with such a love for my God that I could not deny it anymore. I learned for myself finally that I have a God that is good and is there for me. I can't tell you how much it hurt me to walk away from my God. I didn't feel like I was worthy to even come back to Him, but He accepted me with open arms the night when I cried out for help. When I thought I had lost everything, He gave me what I needed. I had been so empty without Him that I thought there was no hope for me. I came to a point where I hated myself for everything I did. Every little thing I criticized because I couldn't do anything good enough. I remember the night where I sat in my room alone and just cried. I honestly almost lost it that night but because my God loves me more than anything He wanted to help me and that's just what He did. I love Him. He has saved my life, even when I didn't want Him to at the time He did anyways because He could see more in me than I could in myself. Thank you God for making me stronger and helping heal me.
That little girl never would have thought she'd have to deal with leaving her best friend, her Father, her God.
The one thing I remember when I was little was my dreams. I had HUGE dreams as a little girl but through the years they have faded and I didn't really have any big dreams anymore. This new job has helped me to dream bigger which I have loved soooo much!
I love looking back at the little girl I once was an realizing how much I have grown. I really am different than that little girl but at the same time we are still pretty much the same.
I'm also writing this post because I am super excited for my future. I literally want to jump out of my seat in excitement because of my future.
I'm telling you now, I have a lot that is going to be happening to help me grow up even more and make me an even better person. I am letting go of some insecurities which scares me half to death but I'm ready to start letting go of them and finally do something about them. Some of them are little things like cutting my hair short...that's in a couple of months but it's a huge fear of mine haha. But there are some big fears I'm going to be facing and I'm not going to hold back anymore.
So little Alissa, take my hand and we'll go on this roller coaster together. It's not going to be easy but we'll make it to the end, safe and sound.
So Alissa.
Are you ready? (As ready as I'll ever be.)
Get set. (Deep breaths...deep breaths...)
Go.
