Never Grow Up

So tomorrow I'm moving out. To be honest, I have been counting down the days ever since I was 16 and now I can't believe it's almost time. I'm not gonna lie, I'm excited more than anything but I'm also frightened to death. I always imagined moving out to be different. I thought I would have friends with me along the way. But as time got closer I realized that they will be with me along the way...they just wouldn't be right next to me all the time like I hoped for.

My closest friends aren't coming with me. The people I've grown up with aren't coming with me. I'll be on my own. In an apartment with 3 other girls who I don't even know. That's scary!!!

I've been putting up a wall the past few weeks of how I feel about moving out because I knew as the time got closer I would lose it if I didn't have that wall up. I have been so ready and so excited to move out, but it's also been hard on me and as I watch some of my best friends go off to their own future, I get even more afraid. Because I know I won't have them like I did in the past.

It's so hard to say goodbye to those who have been there for you through everything for so long. There are

never enough words to say when the time comes. One person I will miss soo much is Shaina. This girl has been one of my rocks the past three years. I can't believe how much she has helped me. When I first met her, I never would have thought she would become so special to me (if you know the story of what I first thought of her, then you'll completely understand). But seriously, she's been there to help me so much. Whenever I was struggling, she was there to pick me up. She understood me in a different way than most people did and I'm so glad we became friends. I hope you have an amazing time in college Shaina! Just know I will be missing you tons...especially when things start to get rough. Thank you for all you have done. For always being there when I was afraid, or upset. For letting me just cry. For just being an amazing friend. I never got to tell you how much your friendship has meant to me. You truly saved me and I have no idea where I would be if I didn't have you all through high school.

I am frightened to leave my friends behind and not have the opportunity to see them everyday. You don't realize that you take high school for granted, until  the day you graduate. High school provided a place where you could see your best friends every day, practically every hour for 6 hours, 5 days in a row. Sometimes you'll see them even more because of all the extra things. Like track, sports, theatre, choir, band, orchestra, dance, etc.. And we think it will be like that forever. But every year around May we get reminded that you grow up and some move on. Every year you say goodbye to the seniors and feel bad that you don't have them anymore. But you're okay in the end because you know you still have your other friends for a couple more years.

Then senior year comes around and it's you that is leaving everyone behind. You're not coming back. You're going off on your own.

When I graduated I honestly broke inside. High school has been everything to me the past three years. I was so involved and I never really wanted to leave. I didn't want to say goodbye to my friends. I didn't want them to go off to college. I didn't want all of us to grow up and go separate ways. I was selfish...and I still am. I wanted all of it to be the same because I was afraid to let everyone go.

Some people have heard my joke about how people usually get depressed because they are in high school, but I was gonna be the one to get depressed because I'm not gonna be in high school. And that's honestly how I feel. Everyone says college is a blast, and I believe it. I just wish I could have my friends with me when I experience it.

College is a big thing. And when I'm on BYU's campus I feel like a little girl. Where everything looks bigger
than it really is but in reality, you're just really small. And you know what? It frightens me. I don't consider myself old enough to be at college. I feel so young and I don't feel like I belong. And the transition so far has felt so natural that it actually has scared me how natural it feels...if that makes any sense.

My Drama Class Family

The biggest thing I think I will miss from high school is my drama family. They have been everything to me and I was so lucky that I had them. I'm so glad they welcomed me into the family with open arms and loving hearts. My drama family holds a special place in my heart. I love you guys! And that also includes my "extended drama family," the theatre department. You guys are so talented and I'm so sad I won't get to interact with you all every day.

I'm gonna miss going to young womens. That had always been a place of love and comfort to me. I have always had the best leaders who have supported me and helped me way beyond their calling required. They became friends and some were even family to me. The young womens program has truly blessed my life and it's gonna be hard for me not to be a part of it anymore. I tried to put off leaving as much as possible, but every week I knew it was coming and I didn't want to accept it. It makes me sad that Wednesdays will be different now. I loved having those two hours to be with the girls in my ward. They are so special and I love them all dearly. I know God looks over them all and I came to understand just a portion of the love He has for those girls when I was a leader at girls camp this year.

I'm really gonna miss everything. I'm not ready to leave it all behind and I don't want to. But it's time. I have to be strong. I have to be brave. I have to do this. Luckily I have The Lord to help me when I feel alone or out of place. I'm glad that even though I'm giving up a lot of my past, I don't have to give him up. I am so glad I know that He lives and loves me and knows my names and desires. I'm glad He understands me more than I understand myself. I don't want to lose Him because I walked away from Him once and I have never felt so out of place in my life. I need Him now more than ever before and honestly, I think that's one reason why I felt like BYU was right for me.

I want to thank my family for putting up with my mood swings, my laughter, my tears, my love life, my heartbreaks, my struggles, my successes, my passions, my anger, my stupidity, my sass, my drama, my everything the past 18 years. Nobody has stayed by me through everything like they have. I'm gonna miss my younger sisters a lot. We've always been known as "three peas in a pod" and at times we are inseparable. I'm gonna miss having them in the room next to me, screaming their heads off or laughing about some stupid thing. It's gonna be hard not being able to joke around with them as much as we have. They understand me so much more than anybody else I know. They are amazing young women and I am so proud to be their sister. Boys better watch out because they are amazing and they deserve the best and I'll make sure that they get only the best!

Goodbyes are really hard for me. I don't like having to say goodbye, but for some I know we might not ever cross paths on this earth again. Which is sad, but it's the truth. I wish for all of you happiness. I hope you all find it. I hope you all find love in your life as well. I hope you find what you've been looking for in this life. And to those who are starting out on their senior year this year. Live it up! Don't take a moment for granted. It will fly by. Take lots of pictures, laugh, learn, love and just be yourself. Don't live with regrets. I know it's cliche but it honestly is true. I love you all so much and I will miss having you all in my life so often. If you ever need me, let me know though. Because chances are...I'll be needing you too. And even though I'm growing up and moving on, I'm not growing up at the same time. Always keep your childlike qualities.

I love you all and watch me as I take my life in a whole new direction and do my best to make it the most amazing life for myself. I'm ready now. I'm ready to walk out that door and know that I won't be coming back to stay. I'm ready to make a life for myself. I'm ready to never completely grow up. I'm ready to be me.

Forever and always,
Alissa A. Lopez


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We All Fall Down Sometimes

Do you ever have those moments where you're just feeling low for no reason? This past week that has been happening every once and a while. How do you deal with them? How do you pick yourself up, not even knowing what's wrong in the first place? It can be difficult. But nobody likes people in a pity party...so what do you do? I hate feeling like somebody's burden.

One thing I do is I start to try and appreciate all the little things. A good hair day, a nice text, getting my nails done, watching a good tv show. Something simple. Sometimes after I start appreciating all the little things, it adds up to the big stuff and I suddenly feel better about the day and about myself. However this doesn't always work for me.

Sometimes I have to make a drastic change in order for me to feel better. And those don't always come.

For me, one of the best way I get out of these odd moments is through my friends. They lift me up and because I see them trying to make me happy and really doing all they can to make me feel better, I do start to feel better. I think it's because I feel loved and so it makes me feel better.

Also, whenever I feel down on myself and don't know what else to do to make me feel better, I turn to my religion. I read my scriptures, I pray...etc. I do things that spiritually uplift me and that tends to help me out.

So yeah, these were just some thoughts I had today that I thought I would share. It really isn't much but I just wanted to get it out there. I hope you found something for yourself in this little post :)

Little thoughts....

So we are down to the final month of summer...and school is going to be starting really soon for a lot of you. The past few days I've had some interesting experiences that have hit me in different ways.

This first experience came to me kind of randomly this week. So I love music...a ton. I have always connected deeply with music and have explored different ways to use music as expression throughout the years. I played piano for a while which got me started in realizing that I could express myself in a musical way. After a while I moved onto the flute where I indulged myself into music and completely fell in love with it but it still wasn't enough for me. So I turned to musical theatre. I delighted in expressing myself in different characters and connecting it to an audience. After a while dance entered my life and I found a whole new way to express myself once again. At first when I started dancing, I danced the emotions that connected to the piece I was dancing but I didn't feel like I was telling people how I honestly felt. I still just felt like a character. So when I finally choreographed a dance, I finally gave myself completely to an audience. That was an amazing feeling for me. After that I found ways to express myself through singing. So, yeah...I've gone through a lot of different kinds of music and it has been my life. The past few days though I have come to a realization of how much music connects to people these days. I have learned through music in my life and this week I had this feeling that I should start reaching out to people through music. I don't really know how or why but it's something that has been on my mind recently...but yeah....

Alright so this week I found my apartment for when I'll be at school. It's quite crazy actually and I can't believe it's all happening so fast! It kind of scares me a little...okay it actually scares me A LOT! And even though I'm going to be close to my family, it still scares me to death. I have counted down the years, months, days, hours, etc. for this day and it's so close I can't believe it. I'm finally growing up...and it's happening all so fast! I still feel like a little girl. I don't feel old enough to be getting an apartment or old enough to be going to college...but I am. I'm scared half to death. I hate big changes. Actually I hate going into things and feeling inadequate and unsure of how to do things, but that's exactly what I'm going to be doing...so it frightens me. And the thing that scares me most? I'll be alone. I don't have a lot of friends that are going to the same college as me and if they are, they aren't going into my major.

However I have hope. I know that I the Lord on my side throughout these next few years. He wants me to succeed and I know He will be there, willing to helping every step of the way, as long as I let Him.

This past summer I have really started to have a new kind of love for my Father in Heaven. I've watched as my testimony has grown in just a few short months. Yes, it's always been growing...but this past month it has pretty much just exploded big time and my testimony has been growing so much in all different aspects of life. I have always seen the Lord in my life but I didn't see it in even the smallest things until recently...whether it be through a smile, or even a text. The Lord really is in my life and I am so glad I have the knowledge I have of the gospel and I know I still have a lifetime of things to learn.

So these are just a few things on my mind lately...I don't really have time to indulge into everything at the moment but I will soon. I have something that has been on my mind that I want to talk about but I only want to talk about that subject when I post it...so there will be another post soon :) But yeah...that's all for tonight!