Letting it out.

This week has been pretty hard on me. Don't get me wrong, Christmas was great...but it's after that. Things just haven't been the best for me and it's been hard for me to handle each day. I struggle with wanting to even face the day. I fight with myself each night so that I don't lose it. I have already had two breakdowns this week, and nobody even knew about it and had I not just said it now, nobody would have known. I have held in so much anger with myself and with others that it really has been getting to me this week and it's been a struggle. A hard and horrible struggle. It's hard even writing this out because this has all just been in my head. I hate letting people know when I am hurt. I act like nothing gets to me but things do. I hate having people worry about me. I promise you, I will be okay. This is life. We have our ups and downs, and right now it's just a little suckish for me. All I need to do is let it out because holding it all in is making it all worse I have realized. So here it is..and just so you know, I'm not going to say every little thing. You are only going to hear the littlest bit detail of it all.
Lately I have been holding in a lot of anger towards my family. I think the biggest reason as to why is because of spending so much time with them over break. You have to understand, I'm not home a lot. I try to stay away from home as much as possible because if I stay too long I tend to distance myself anyways by locking myself in my bedroom. I can only handle being home for a certain amount of time before I need a break. Anyways, being home so much has really been hard on me and I am ready to break just because of that. Each family has their own problems, mine included. It's just come to the point that I can't really handle them anymore. We have all been stressed lately with certain things and it's kind of sucks being at home right now.
Another thing I've been having a hard time with and probably the biggest thing, is with myself. A few weeks ago I had somebody tell me that I needed to tell myself that I loved myself. I couldn't even bring myself to do it. I still haven't. I've attempted it. Many times. But I can't say it. I just end up in tears each time. It sucks. I have been so angry with myself this week. I feel like I haven't been myself at all this week and I've been kind of a brat (that's the nice way of putting it). I keep feeling like I am disappointing everyone I care about. I feel like I'm not good enough for anything or anyone, anymore. I'm angry at myself for not having enough self-discipline, for letting myself get to be so sick (I'm not as sick anymore but still), for being so angry at the stupidest things, for letting my grades be the way they have been this whole year, for not doing my best at everything, for just being me this year. I think I suck compared to how I acted last year. I feel like I am starting to become somebody I never wanted to become and I hate it. I hate myself for it and that's why I can't bring myself to say that I love myself...because I don't.
And then I think about how others could even care about me and why somebody would even give me the time of day. I don't deserve any of it. I can't love myself and it doesn't make sense that other people could love me. I have been so hard on myself this past month that's it's just horrible where my self-esteem is right now. I have seriously degraded myself...and it's all my fault. I would get hurt over the stupidest things...for example we were doing something in one of my classes this month. Everybody in the class had to do it, and when everyone would do it, the rest of the class would say how great they were. When it was my turn nobody said anything to me except my teacher and one girl. It hurt me a lot. I felt like everybody else in the class was better than me.
I have brought myself down so much, you would be amaze. And I promise you, you would have never even guessed it because I know how to keep it in control in front of a crowd. I have done it my whole life. There are only a few people (not even a handful of people) who actually can pick up on when I am really just lying to everybody. They see it in my eyes, in the way that I speak and apparently in the way I hold my body (I'm not telling you this to know when to pick up on it...because you probably won't ever notice). It's just what they have said to me, that they notice changes in me and for them it's a big change, other people don't notice it as much.
People think that if I'm quiet, it means something is wrong. That's not usually the case. Most of the time, if I'm quiet, really all I'm doing is thinking and analyzing things. Anyways....so yeah that's really the least of it all. I don't want to spill out my guts because that's pointless. I know there will be people who read this and will just think, what a drama queen. I'm not trying to be a drama queen, I really just had to let it out because as I've learned throughout the years, holding it in makes it worse. Believe me, I know that for a fact. I don't want to go down that road again. I also have learned that I can't do this all on my own. I'm the kind of person who likes to fix everything on my own. All my problems, all my family's problems, all my friend's problems. I want to fix them on my own. But I can't. I fail each time and it makes everything that much worse.
However, I don't want you to pity me. Please don't, because that would make it all worse. It will be okay. This is only temporary. It's my trial and even though it has been hurting me so much...I only hope it will strengthen me. I do want to thank my good friend, April. There are not words to say how much I needed to get out of the house today. Thank you so much for taking me to the mall with you today. It was lots of fun and I needed it. I have been so heartbroken being stuck at home, I was happy when you asked me to go with you. Thank you. It lifted my spirits so much today. I can't tell you how much it helped me. You were an answer to my prayer this week.
That's my little "downside of life" for the week. I'm sorry for writing it out and everything and maybe disappointing you for reading it, but I just needed to let it out. I hope you understand that. Thanks. Don't worry about me. I'll be better in a matter of no time. I promise.

The start of Christmas Break :P

Life is pretty good I guess. It's been a pretty fun week. Let's see, things that come to mind about things I've done...hm. Well there was yesterday and Tuesday. Crazy days. I asked one of my guy friends to my school dance: Preference. Tuesday I gave him half of it and yesterday I gave the rest to him. I asked by getting a lock (like the ones we have on our P.E. lockers or the ones I used to use on my band lockers...back in the day when I was in band...that feels like forever ago...anyways...) and then I gave him a note attached to it saying,
"Duncan,
I think we'd make the perfect combination at Preference.
Don't you?"

Then yesterday I had a sign that said,
"Duncan,
It's time to unlock the mystery."

Then I had little slips of papers with several girl's names with different combos. My name had the right combo for the lock. I had my friend Mandy deliver the first half to his last period class and then my friend Marcus, he did the second half yesterday after school. So now I'm in the waiting process. Hahaha.

Oh and of course school is now out! HALLELUJAH! I am so happy. I can hopefully catch up on sleep and start getting better so I'm not sick anymore! Yay!

Today I'm getting paid which is great, because I need to finish my Christmas shopping. I'm supposed to go to the mall with my sister and her friend, but we'll see what happens. Tonight I have a Christmas party. This will be my third. Haha. So yeah, it's been fun :)

Hope you all have a great Christmas Break and a fantastic Christmas!

(Unless the world really does end tomorrow...but it won't...so have fun! Haha)

Just some thoughts I have had lately....

To those that read this and those I have misjudged,

I really try not to, but sometimes I really can misjudge people. It's one of my weaknesses and I've been trying to work on it. I feel guilty for all the people I have misjudged throughout my life. It hurts realizing how wrong I have been. My heart at times can be very hardened. I try to be open-minded and not judge people, but I do at times. There are times where I fall into the temptation, and it is times like this that I feel horrible. I know nothing and I have no right.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry to all those I have misjudged some point in my life. I don't know all you go through. I don't know what you have had to deal with that make you the way you are. I have been wrong so many times while judging people. It's not my place to judge.

You would think I would be more understanding, I've had my fair share of trials, but sometimes I am selfish.

I forget that others go through their own hardships. Sometimes I ignore what I see others going through because I only think of what I am going through. At times, I am blinded by my own selfishness.

That is what I do, but it is not who I am.

I refuse to keep doing nothing about this problem of mine. It's going to be incredibly difficult, but I want to do better. I don't want to keep going through life knowing that I have this weakness, but I sit around and do nothing about it. I don't want to give into the idea that that is who I am, because it's not.

I am starting now, today, this very minute, to work on it. Starting with a girl I have shut out of my life because of a mistake she made so long ago. She used to be a really close friend of mine and I turned my back from her. I never meant to, but I did. I feel awful and it has shocked me how far apart she and I have become. She was like a little sister to me and I promised her I would always be there for her.

I lied.

I didn't mean to, but I did. I knew she had her faults, I accepted them. They never made a difference in our friendship until one certain slip up, something that was even towards me. I don't know why, but I hardened my heart against her. I shut her out and I wasn't there for her after that.

I feel horrible.

Lately I've been trying to be a little friendlier, but it's just not the same for me. I feel reliable for the broken friendship and I have not yet forgiven myself for it. I feel bad knowing now how she was having a hard time adjusting to certain things and didn't have many friends with her throughout the whole thing. When she needed a friend most, I wasn't there for her. I feel like I broke the friendship. I was the one to have walked away first. It's hard looking back, realizing how close of friends we were and where we are now.

To that girl, I am so sorry for that mistake. I am sorry for not keeping my promise to you. I am sorry for not being the friend you trusted in. I'm sorry.

I lost a very good and close friend because of my hardened heart and judgments toward her. I am so lucky that I have been given another chance to make things right with this girl, but that's not always the case.

We miss so many opportunities when we choose to judge. We put our relationship with the other person at a risk. Even if they are complete strangers, we risk it. And for what? A little self-gratification? Some social acceptance? Blame? What really are the reasons behind judgment?

Are they really worth it?

My reasons aren't. All they are is stupid and pathetic. And I am sorry for my mistake, my weakness, my judgments. I am sorry for falling into the trap of judgment and risking any relationship I have. I am so sorry.

-Alissa Lopez

December already?!

I can't even believe it's December already! It feels like it was just January!!! Where has the year gone? I can't believe how fast my birthday is coming up! I pretty much have been refusing that my birthday is soon. Haha. I'm not ready to turn older yet. I think it's because I remember when my sister turned this old and I am refusing that I am that old. Ha. I'll just skip this year. Just kidding.

So this week. Wow. Crazy week, I'll tell you that! It's been a stressful one, but it's also been a pretty good one. Yesterday was hard for me, but I pulled through! Thanks to the wonderful cast of "Once on this Island" at Lakeridge. You guys lifted my spirits completely! Your number of "Mama Will Provide" made my night so much better! Also, last night was my dance concert. It went pretty good, I guess. Haha. Now I just have to perform on Monday and then that dance is pretty much over.

My picture of Shaina and her boyfriend

One great thing about yesterday was drama class. Drama this past week has been lots of fun. Our student teacher has been going crazy. Hahaha. Shaina and I have lots of fun in that class. She likes drawing pictures of angels with big wings and I draw her and her boyfriend. Haha. Drama class = fun.

Anyways, overall it has been a good week. Tonight, I'm going to see "Once on this Island" again. Hahaha. I have watched it soooo many times. Oh well. It's a fun show. Have a great 1st of December! Love you all!