"God, I just don't understand. Please help me understand..."

Some days you feel worthless.

Yesterday I was struggling with feeling like I wasn't good enough to be at BYU. A lot of people think that in order to go to BYU, you have to be a smart, well-rounded student. Well I haven't felt like I am smart enough to be at BYU since before I even arrived at BYU.
I did not chose BYU from the start. It's actually not where I wanted to go in the first place. However, I felt like it was where I needed to go right now. I've been trying to understand why and I have come up with multiple reasons, but there is still a lot of questions as to why BYU was right for me.
I got a scholarship here. So financially, it makes sense. I'm multi-cultural, so admittance into BYU makes sense. I was involved in a lot of different clubs in high school, so I have that background. I'm LDS. I've overcome a hardship that changed me (application essay). I live close, so it seems like a logical choice for me.
But why me? Why is BYU a place where I am supposed to be right now?
Yesterday I had a really rough day at school. I had to take two tests and one I was not prepared for. I failed my first test at college (and as a freshman...failing scares you half to death) and then the other one I struggled with the outcome of the test. I had studied for this other test. The first time I took a test for this class was when I accidentally took it without studying and ended up doing surprisingly well on it. So I figured with studying I would do even better...makes sense right? However, that wasn't the case. In fact I barely even passed the test.
I was so angry. At myself. At God. At the school. At everything.
Why was I here when I was just barely passing classes? Am I really "smart" enough to be at this school? Did I really make the right choice coming here? Why did I do worse when I studied? I should have done better! That's what they tell you...so why was I the exception? This happened when I took the ACT too! I didn't study, took the test and did better than when I did study and then I did the best when I didn't study or even have a math class for about a year!
So what is wrong with me? Am I not capable of learning like other people?

Why am I at BYU?

I pleaded with God to know why. I cried and I cried. I apologized for being angry with Him but I really didn't understand the purpose of being at BYU and that's all I wanted to know. I just wanted some answers I've been asking since the day I clicked that "I plan to attend" button. Why did I feel like this was where I needed to be right now, instead of being where I wanted to be?
I had no close friends coming into BYU. I still don't have any. They're phasing out my major so I might not even be able to finish it at BYU. I don't do well without having somebody I'm close with around. I'm barely getting through my classes. I sit alone every day in classes. I feel so small on campus. I don't get any attention (sounds selfish...but you want to be noticed every now and then). I sit at home while my roommates go out with friends. I've started feeling like it's not even worth it to look nice if nobody would notice me anyways. I started dealing with my eating disorder again since the day I arrived. Feelings of being unloved, unwanted, stupid, ugly, not social, unfriendly, unapproachable, worthless kept coming to me...every day getting worse.

What made all of this worth it?

Had I known this was how I would feel at BYU, would I have chosen coming here?

Honestly, I don't know.

But I do know this is where I'm supposed to be. I keep forgetting the things I have already learned as to why BYU was the right choice for me. I can't imagine how things would have been, had I chosen my dream school instead of the school I thought I was never going to go to. BYU let me keep my job, one that I love...even when it gets redundant. I still have my family close for when I am in need of people who will understand me and people I can be myself around. I was able to spend more time with the guy I love than I would have, had I chosen somewhere else. I still have my high school nearby...which is actually good because I loved high school and miss it more than anyone out there haha. I got to see my grandparents when they came to visit because I was still in the area. I got to keep my home ward so close to me which has been beneficial for some exciting things that I am now starting on.

BYU has given me so much more than any other school could have offered me right now. I didn't want to admit it, but I needed BYU more than BYU needed me. They could have continued on with life had I chosen to decline them.

But could I?
Probably...but I wouldn't be better off.

So even though I don't fully understand why I'm here, I know it's where I should be. And knowing that makes all the difference. God doesn't want me to fail. He is only doing what He knows is best for me. I don't see things the way He does and sometimes I forget that. People have made it possible for me to be here, so I should take advantage of that. I should make the most of what I was given and strive to do my best.

Then, and only then, is when I'll start to more fully understand God's plan for me here at BYU.

Sometimes Changes Bring Destruction

So this is going to be a hard post for me but I think it's healthiest for me to write it. I'm not writing this for attention or pity, it's just becoming harmful for me to keep hiding it.

As many of you know, I have suffered from an eating disorder (you can read my story about that following this link: http://dreadfulthoughtsofadistraughtteen.blogspot.com/2014/03/sharing-my-storyits-about-time-i-did.html) . I started doing a lot better and was eating more regularly. I finally felt like I had taken control of what had possessed me for a long time. Friends and family made sure I was eating more and they tried to help in any way they could.
 

And then college hit me.
 

At first I was doing great and making sure I was eating still, but slowly I found myself making excuses to skip a meal here and there. I started making excuses not to buy more groceries because I had other things to pay like rent, textbooks, paying my mom back, etc. Eating was always last on my list and if I didn't get to it...oh well.

I've started to really analyze my thinking from the past couple of months because I could see a change in myself. It seems almost subtle at first glance but as it has been on my mind lately, I've started to realize what's really been going on.

It wasn't until I had a big and important assignment in my nutrition class that it really started to bother me. See before this assignment I kept telling myself I was eating too much and I needed to cut back, but then for my class we had to record what we ate for 3 days and I knew with how I was eating, it would raise some eyebrows. So I told myself I'd eat more for those 3 days so that it looked like I was "average." That didn't happen. I actually ended up doing worse every time I tried. As the deadline came close, I started freaking out. I didn't know what I was going to do. I could make up what I ate and just do the assignment that way or actually write down what I had eaten and just turn it in.

I emailed my TA instead. I told them what was going on and the emotional stress I was going through. I didn't get excused from the assignment, don't think I did it for that...but it was able to help me realize how bad things have gotten.

I've realized I put on a face for people out in public lately. I've gone back to hiding - I don't want to be associated as struggling with an eating disorder because it makes me feel weak and not good enough to overcome it. I don't want people thinking I do it because of attention.

I've started to see why I haven't been eating much...the real reason.

I walk around campus every day for about 5-6 hours and I just see hundreds of girls that look prettier and healthier than I do. Then I come home to an apartment of girls who once again look prettier and healthier than I do. My ward is filled with girls I compare as prettier than myself. I pull up Facebook and scroll through more gorgeous girls I know. And at the end of the day, I feel none of that towards myself.

I don't feel pretty.
I don't feel healthy.
I don't feel like myself.
I feel like I can't even compare to the hundreds of girls around me.

I haven't felt this much control from the disorder in a really long time. I'm surrounded by lots of new people and I just keep comparing myself to them...and I can't stop. I put myself in a position where all I can think of is how great so and so is and how I'll never look like them or act like them. It doesn't help that when things change in a really big way for me, I start to retreat. So I see all these people more outgoing than I am and I retreat even further. I feel pressured to be more outgoing but it scares me because I feel like I have nothing to offer.

Nobody will want to be friends with somebody like me here at BYU.
I'm just a child.
Other girls are prettier.
I'm a nobody on this huge campus.

And that alone has been a really hard adjustment for me.

And so...I've retreated.

I never feel like myself anymore whenever I'm on campus or at my apartment...or anywhere in Provo. And so I yearn for the way things used to be. I wish more than anything I could go back and just stay a little longer.

It just proves that this disorder is a life-long battle I will have to deal with. You can tell me the way I think is wrong, but that is never going to change how I think of myself. It's harder than you think. You can't just tell me that I should stop thinking the way I do...because it doesn't work like that.

I want to be happy with myself again, but right now....that isn't happening.

There is some good news to this. For the longest time my sister has told me to get a therapist for help. I'm finally ready to take that step because I'm scared of what will happen if I don't. I'm tired of this and I'm finally ready to do something about it right now. Pray for me to have strength to go through with it.