Well I'm done with my first semester at college. Hooray!
College has been my hell the past few months. Not because of having to go to class or having finals. It has nothing to do with the academics. It's been the worst experience of my life because I've never felt so alone. Not because I'm now living in an apartment, a little away from home. Not even because my roommates and I are hardly ever home at the same time. I get along with them fine and they are super sweet.
It's because I've truly learned what it's like to feel like you don't have a friend. All through high school I was surrounded by people I could call my friend. They were there for me when I needed them. They helped pick me up when I was down. They could tell when I was putting on a fake smile. They knew when I was holding something back. They understood me. They would just hold me and let me cry when I needed to. They laughed with me. They were there when I would come up with crazy ideas. They supported me in all my outside school activities. They danced with me. They watched movies with me. They did everything with me and for me. They always made me feel safe and I knew I could always count on them. Things of course weren't perfect. I got in fights with friends, said goodbye to some, we said things meant to hurt each other, but I always had a group I could count on being there, even if it changed groups every now and then.
I'm not one who just opens up to anyone and spills my guts out. I let people in only so far and then I just shut down. I can't cope with feeling like I'm bothering somebody with my feelings of hurt, anxiety, loss, sadness, guilt, shame, failure, etc. I try to be the one people feel like they can always come to and just vent about anything. I like being supportive and being the strong one. But I'm not...not always. And I get upset with myself when I can't hold it together. But who really can, 24/7? I just feel like I need to, in case somebody needs me to be strong for them. So I wait until it's late at night and everyone has gone to sleep and it's been weeks of trying to hold it together, and I break.
I think in high school it was easier because I had friends I saw every day to help keep my spirits lifted.
But in college.
I don't have that. I hardly see any of my friends and so I often cry myself to sleep asking God to take away my feelings of worthlessness and being alone. I always wanted to reach out and ask a friend for help but with college, I know how crazy life can be and I didn't want to be a bother or an inconvenience. I wanted the times I did get to share with my friends to be happy times and I wanted them to think I had everything under control.
But I haven't.
I don't even know where I want to go right now in life. I know where I want to end up but I keep feeling like the time isn't now for that. Which is hard for me to accept because I try to be a hard worker and finish things I start as fast as I can.
But it's tiring, feeling like a failure all the time or feeling like I'm not enough. I'm tired of not doing things I love doing. I feel like my life has become so unfocused of what matters most to me. I don't spend time with friends. I don't spend time with my family as much as I should. I don't spend time doing service to my fellow neighbors. I don't spend time for myself.
So I'm hoping with the new year, I can change that. I don't want to make resolutions about losing weight or exercising more or studying more or always giving more. Yes, those are great resolutions but my new year's resolution is to be me again.
I miss Alissa.
I miss knowing where I was wanting to go. I miss living in the present. I miss being with the people I care about. I miss doing the things I love. I miss being me.
This means I'm about to change a lot by just one little decision. But I understand now, it's what I need to do right now to better myself.
Here's to choosing to change my life and refocusing it on what really is important.
