I Will Share My Light

For those who don't know, I am a part of the LDS faith. I was raised in the LDS church my whole life. My dad was a convert and passed away when I was five. My mom at the time was left to raise 5 girls ranging in age from 12 to a year old. My mom moved to Utah where a lot of her family lived. At the time, I didn't quite comprehend the situation fully, but I knew my father had passed away and I was raised knowing that one day, I would be able to see him again. I didn't quite understand it when I was 5, but I honestly believed it.

As years went on and I started to grow, I also started to learn more about the faith I was born into. I was baptized when I was 8 years old and had a huge testimony of God and of His plan. Fast forward a few more years and I was in junior high. I was in 9th grade when I started to reevaluate my life and my faith. I got confused and I had a lot of doubts. I struggled a lot because I knew I wanted to believe what I had been taught all my life, as well as wanting to believe what I was being taught in church and seminary, but I found myself not believing all that I had thought I believed years before. I wanted to fit in with what I thought you needed to be like to be a "mormon girl" but found myself soon resenting that I had to live a certain way that I didn't even believe in living. 

I started becoming disinterested in the LDS faith. I would continue to go to church in fear that I would be judged for choosing not to be Mormon. I found myself trying to get out of going to sacrament meeting at church as well as young women's during the week. I didn't pray anymore and I wasn't reading my scriptures. Pretty soon, my life went a little downhill. I started having lower self esteem and resenting living when I felt so ashamed of myself and so alone. I became suicidal and my choice of suicide was an eating disorder which I have mentioned before on my blog. I separated myself emotionally and spiritually from the LDS faith, but on the outside I made it look like I was still a "good Mormon girl."

After a few years, it came to a point in my life where I knew I needed help and I found myself feeling like I couldn't talk to anybody because they wouldn't understand how I felt. I felt so entirely alone and I shut myself off from people emotionally. I am a pretty independent person and don't like asking for help. I felt like if I were to gain control of my life, I could do it alone and I didn't need a God to "help me." 

However, one night when I was alone in my room and I sat in my bed crying. I felt like I had no other choice but to pray to the God I was raised to believe in was always there with an outstretched hand. I started praying to Him, pouring out my soul. I remember saying how I was so confused and I didn't understand. I wanted to believe that the church was true but I had so many doubts and I was so afraid to choose a different life than what I was raised in. I didn't receive any answers to my doubts that night and I didn't receive anything to tell me that the church was true. I did receive comfort and the ability to sleep soundly through the night. 

I committed myself to at least trying to figure out if this church was true. I started to open myself up to the church again as I went to seminary, sunday school, young women's and church meetings. I had a very basic testimony. I believed there was a God who was always there for us and I believed that families were forever. That was basically my testimony for a long time.

I remember when I first shared my basic testimony. I was scared because I felt like I didn't have a big enough testimony so I wasn't going to really help anyone. But I wanted people to know that I KNEW that what I did believe in was true and I believed it with all my heart. It wasn't much, but it was enough. Sharing my testimony wasn't for others, but for me at that time.

There were people over the years who would ask me why I don't believe some things they believed in and it always hurt that I couldn't believe it, but we all progress in our own ways. We do not need to have a big, flashy testimony to prove ourselves. God knows what we believe and He is just happy when we open up ourselves to share what we believe in. It's scary talking about God in this day and age because in the world, it's not as widely accepted to have a belief in a God.

But your faith, no matter what you believe, is what makes you grow as a person. Sharing the things you believe in is what will inspire others. You have a light. God wants us to share our light, not just to light the way for others, but for ourselves as well. Share your light, it doesn't have to be as bright as the sun to make a difference. Your light will help those in darkness no matter how little the light may seem. Share goodness and you will be blessed. Life isn't easy. We will get knocked down a few times but that light will help us see a little more so that we can have more understanding.

I have wavered in my faith before. And I still don't understand everything completely, but I know God lives. I know that He is aware of each one of His children. Christ suffered for our sins and walked our path before and is now willing to walk it again with us. When we feel like we can no longer go on, He is there to carry us until our feet are rested and ready to walk again. If we stumble over a rock or lose our footing, He will help us balance ourselves out again. 

I know that one day I will see my father again and I cannot wait for the day where I will be able to run into his arms again. I know my earthly father loves me and watches over me and my sisters. I have felt him near me from time to time. 

I have been blessed throughout my life with the friends, family, teachers and leaders I have been given. It was their strength that made me yearn to want what they had. Your role is important and your light will help somebody. You may not see how your light affects others, but they will always remember how you impacted their life. I am still learning and my testimony continues to grow. 

I prayed that one night to have faith in having faith...which sounds strange but sometimes you need to ask to have faith because you can't on your own. 

God is real. He is aware of you and me. I love my God with all my heart. I honestly don't know what I would do if I wasn't raised in the LDS church. I didn't come back to the LDS faith because I felt pressured to or because that was what I was raised to believe, I came back to it because I had come to know for myself of its truth. 

I have a firm testimony in the gospel now and I know the gospel is true. My testimony continues to grow. I completely trust God with my life.
The gospel has changed my life for the better. I have found happiness in the gospel, everlasting happiness. The gospel has opened me up and made me a better person. Because of it, I have come to love my neighbors and have a yearning to serve them. It has helped me to find myself. I wouldn't be who I am if I wasn't LDS.

I am a Mormon. 

I know it.

I live it.

I love it.