It's Time For My Story

There comes a time when you just have to stop holding everything in. This is that time. I'm sorry for those I may hurt in this. I'm not going to name you out, because I don't want your reputation to be ruined because of this. I just need to get this out, and I need people to understand and hear my side of the story.

I don't really know where to start. So much has happened these past couple of months. I have been torn to pieces in ways people didn't even realize. So, I'm sorry if you feel like I'm just being a complaining, dramatic teenager. That's not what I'm trying to do. I'm just trying to finally get my side of the story out in the open. I haven't been able to explain anything, because nobody will give me the chance to say what's really going on according to me. It's made me feel like my feelings, don't even matter. And you know what, maybe they don't to you, but they do to me. I'm tired of getting hurt and I'm ready to finally speak out. So this is my story.

I want to start with my family. I love my family but like all families, we aren't perfect. My older sister has been on a mission for my church for the past year and a half almost. She and I didn't get along when we were little but we started to get really close before she had left. She has always been the bridge between me and my mom since my mom and I don't get along that well. It has been the hardest thing not having her around this past year. I love her so much and she was the one that helped me through my sophomore year of high school. It was really hard to go through junior year without her around and part of my senior year as well. I have gone through so many things that I wish she could have helped me with. Not only that, but I wish she could have been there for me for all my shows last year and I wish she had seen my dance I had choreographed this year and the show I was in earlier this year. I can't wait for her to be home again. Only less than a week left and it seems too long still. I'm so happy that she will be able to see the show I'm currently in. I just can't wait for when we are able to just go for a drive and just talk. I have missed those drives more than anything.

Something else that has been happening within my family lately....as many of you all know, my mom remarried a few years back. Well we have had my step dad's mom living with us, which has been a challenge since she only speaks Spanish. Also a couple of months (I believe it's closer to a month) ago, my step dad's son (my step brother) came to Utah from Mississippi. Him and his wife and their son (who is under the age of 3) are living in our living room until they find a place to live. This has been really hard on me. People don't understand that I don't feel comfortable with my step dad's family. So I have been living in my room this whole time. When I get home, I go straight to my room and I hardly ever come out. Or I don't get home until about 8, 9 or even 10 at night...on purpose. I'm tired of living like this. Even though I'll be able to move out soon, my mom won't allow it until I graduate. I honestly don't think I'll be able to wait that long. It's been so hard just this past year that I don't feel like where I'm living is my home. I can't say that it is. For me, it's not my home and it never will be. My step dad, I'm but he's not my real dad and he could never replace him. I don't get along with my mom because we have different views on things. She won't see things the way I see them...so I've learned to just shut my mouth around her. I have no opinion around her now. My step dad is pretty much the same way. He and I see very differently and it gets bad. I don't even try to talk to him anymore because I'm afraid it will turn into a fight. So pretty much, I'm quiet around my house and I have felt like I can't even be myself when I'm at my house. Which is sad. People should feel comfortable where they are living, especially with their family. I don't.

So, what I'm trying to say here is that with all the crap going on with my step dad and my mom, it's gotten worse in many ways these past few months. I can't ever speak my mind. I can't say anything without getting into a fight. I'm always the cause of something. I'm the "rebel" child. I don't do enough for this family. I love my family, I do. I've spent almost 18 years with these people (well not my step family) and yes, we have good moments, but they are starting to become fewer and fewer. I miss things how they used to be. I wish I felt like I still belonged in my family. I feel like what I want to do or things I need, they are always pushed to the back. I'm always the last to get something. And it hurts. I know there are other people who have it worse than me. I'm not trying to seem like my problems are bigger than everyone else's...I'm just trying to let you all understand why I am the way I am in a way. 

That's enough about my family. I don't want to keep talking about the problems we have. Yes. We have issues. But I do love them. I would do anything for my sisters.

This is probably the more sensitive subject and what I originally wanted to talk about. 

I have recently learned of things that have really broken my heart. I never thought that things would be said about me from this particular person. Like I said, I won't name you out for the world to know who you are. But I will be talking about you, and you will know who you are. I'm just going to name her Jackie for everyone else (first name that came to my head). Jackie and I have been friends for a really long time. I've known her for years. We've had our little fights like most little kids would have. As we grew up the fights happened less often and weren't as childish fights. Well this year we got even closer than we have ever been...until she asked to much of me. You see, Jackie asked me to keep a secret from her ex about how she had kissed a guy while she was with her ex. I didn't tell him...even though I should have. She later asked to keep a secret from everyone. The guy who had kissed her while she was with that one ex, yeah he proposed to her. Both of them asked me not to tell anyone. ANYONE! I couldn't tell a soul. They were asking me to hide something I didn't even believe in. I didn't think she should marry him and honestly I don't believe in a girl getting engaged at the age of 17! I'm sorry if you disagree but that is wrong on so many levels to me (my opinion), especially when you can tell that the girl isn't mature enough for that kind of decision. Yes, that sounds rude but a mature girl wouldn't string about 5 different guys along until one of them finally pops the question. I'm sorry but that's not right...under ANY kind of conditions. Well anyways, later on Jackie and the guy who proposed to her finally asked me about my opinion, I told them how I felt. I told them how they had asked too much of me by having me lie to everyone about their relationship. I don't think they realized that EVERYONE always comes to me about finding out Jackie's relationship status because they can't keep up with it. Well I can't either. I told them that I knew too much about Jackie that he doesn't know and I was done with it. I told them I had other things to deal with than having to worry about their drama and relationship. I didn't agree with it so I wanted no part of it. After that, Jackie and I didn't talk. (Oh also, Jackie, I'm sorry but I broke my promise. I couldn't handle it. I told two people...and well now I've told everyone on here...but I just needed to explain my side of things. I hope you can forgive me for that)

Well it gets worse. Jackie and I are on a team together at our school. A dance team. In the dance I choreographed, she was in it. Well after a while, I was getting fed up because Jackie wouldn't come to my rehearsals and her attitude towards my dance seemed like she didn't want to be in it. So I talked to my coach about it and asked if I could switch her and my alternate. My coach told me I could and that she would do the same thing if she was me. Well after I talked to Jackie about the new switch she wouldn't talk to me even more. So we were as far apart as we could possibly be. Well that's all I knew about the story. I knew there had to be something else though because some of my other friends started to distance themselves from me. 

I finally figured out the rest of the story the other day. During the course of the time that we weren't speaking to each other, she was talking to other people about how I was going around calling her a slut, a bitch (sorry I'm just using the word she used) and all these other things that weren't true. I can promise you that I didn't say ANY of that. You want to know what I was saying? I was saying how I was done with your drama, that I didn't want to be a part of it anymore, that I was tired of getting angry at the things you were doing, and I was tired of you being a hypocrite. I never told anyone what you really were doing until it got to the point where I HAD to tell somebody and even then I only told my sister and one of my friends. Nobody else knew, and I can promise you that the two people I told wouldn't go around talking about you. It really hurt to find out that the person who I used to call one of my sisters, one of my closest friends, was the one going around telling people things I never said. Lying to people when I had no chance to defend myself. When my friend told me of the things you said, I felt so hurt because you had started to act like we could be friends again. But I don't see that happening. You have completely lost my trust. I'm sorry, but I have given you way to many chances and you have never changed. So this is the end.

Well okay this really is becoming long and yes, there is more to this story...but those were my main two things. They have been the things that have caused my life to go downhill in certain areas. I have been faking it like I have never before had to do. I have been called a slut, a cheater things I never wanted to be called and I don't get why but I was called those things. I have broken friendships because of it. I have lost a lot of trust in people these past few months because of the things that have happened. I have held back so many tears. I have wanted to break down so many times but I kept going and kept faking it because I didn't want people to think I was being weak. It got to the point though where I just couldn't handle it anymore. So yes, I did breakdown. I'm not looking for pity. I'm looking for understanding.

Teens can be really cruel sometimes. We don't understand that what we say can really damage somebody and change how they view themselves. I was shocked when I heard that people were calling me a slut. The first time I heard someone say I was a slut, I felt horrible. And then I kept hearing it. I heard someone say one time, "Really? Alissa's a slut? What?" ...right in front of me!!!! It never got easier the more I heard it. It only got harder. Harder to hear. Harder to bear. 

There are a lot of things that have been hurting me lately. I have felt so out of place in my own house. I don't feel talented in my drama or my ballroom classes. I feel out of place with about half of my friends. I just feel like a misfit. All the things I’ve been holding inside, it’s starting to kill me. I’m tired of feeling left out, ugly, fat, stupid. People probably will say, “Then just stop thinking you are those things.” It’s not that easy. I have been trying for a while now but it seems to just keep getting worse. More people seem to ignore me each new day. It’s getting hard for me to want to be at school. The thing I go where I can be myself (theatre), I feel like I don’t belong there anymore. Everything just seems to be falling apart. And I pretend that it’s not. I put on that fake smile. I act as if I’m okay, but in reality I’m wishing I didn’t have to live this hell I’m living. Once again, I'm not trying to be some dramatic teenager, but I just want my side to get out there. I don't share it a lot. In fact, I don't share ever. Not the full thing. This still isn't all of it, but it is a start. I just want people to understand why things have been the way they have been. Sometimes I think to myself that I should have learned how to stay silent. All of this could have been prevented if I had learned to keep quiet. Right? Well there's no going back now.

So where do I go from here. I move on. I stand up and say, "Yeah, I have a hard life, but I'm not the only one." I have things to look forward to. I have people I can actually rely on. And that's all I need. I know how to move forward. I know that things will get better. I know that even though I have lost friends, I have friends that will always be there for me. I have people who really do care about me. You can't break me. Only I can do that and I'm not going to do that today. I'm going to keep going, and I will embrace the fact that I'm not perfect and that I will make mistakes and that I will falter...because I'm human. I'm Alissa Lopez and that is my story.