It's been quite a while because lately things have been crazy and I haven't really wanted to talk about things going on because it's been well...it's been crazy and I didn't want people to know what was really going on. Well I've decided I will let you all in on my life a little bit...just a glimpse from the past few months.
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| Photo from 12 Angry Jurors |
So I finished up my last high school show this past January. I was Juror #8 in the senior show 12 Angry Jurors (based off of 12 Angry Men). It was a challenging role for me. Only a few people know about this, but I never felt like I was good enough for the role. Every day at rehearsals I would tell myself I couldn't do it, that somebody else would be so much better than I could ever do it. I'd not only go to rehearsals like that, but after rehearsals I would tear myself apart for not doing a good job. I struggled every day and I tried to hide it. I couldn't hide it from my director though. As we started getting close to when we would be performing my director talked to me privately. He told me he could see that I was struggling with the role and I was lacking confidence. I felt my eyes start to water as he told me exactly how I was feeling. But if I admitted to him that he was right I knew I would break down and the tears would come racing down my cheeks. So I silently just listened to him as he told me everything I already knew. He then switched gears and told me I was capable of doing this role and that is why he gave it to me. He understood it was out of my comfort zone but he let me know he was completely confident in me. I tried to put on the face that I would try harder and I would start believing in myself.
I didn't.
I tried though. I worked really hard. I just still didn't believe in myself. I just couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to just let go and believe I was able to do what everyone else kept telling me I could do. I think some people finally started to catch on and they would tell me they were proud of me or that I was doing a good job...you'd think I'd start believing them...but I didn't. I just felt like they could see through me and felt like they just wanted me to feel better about myself when really I was struggling. This is what I dealt with for a couple of months. It got really hard but nobody really understood how hard it got for me.
One day after rehearsals I was so exhausted and felt so inadequate that I just cried. I had no idea what I should do. I couldn't quit. I had to keep going, but I felt like if I continued I wouldn't make the show to the potential our director kept telling us we could reach. I felt like I was the one holding the show back. A couple of days before we opened, my director came to me once again and told me to let go of all the feelings I had and just play the part. He suggested I do something to help me find comfort...which I did.
Opening night came and my emotions were all over the place. I can't tell you if I ever did let go. I'm too afraid to say that I gave it my all because I still feel like I could have done so much more. I also feel like if I say that, people would think I still needed a lot of work and I really didn't do that great of a job. So I won't say it. I can't. It was hard enough looking my director in the eye and telling him I did my best as I shook his hand closing night. I almost broke down when I did it.
However, I got through the show and it was a great experience. Closing night was hard for me because it
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| Cast photo of 12 Angry Jurors |
was going to be my last performance of my high school career. Not only that, but it was my last show with my friend Gabby Bersie. We have been performing together since 6th grade and have always supported each other in all the shows we've been in. That night, after our cast prayer as she and I hugged, tears just flowed from both of our eyes. Two friends, backstage embraced and just crying. Everyone around us tried to comfort us. We couldn't look at each other backstage without starting to cry. After the show was over, we held hands and proudly bowed together. That was one of the best moments of my life. I do want to thank you for helping me through all the shows we've done together Gabby. She's always pushed me and I'm sad that I couldn't be a part of this last show (Nunsense 2) with her. It's been great and we have so many memories from all the shows we've done together...some of the memories were creepy, some were great and some were really fun ones. I could never forget our shows!
Since I brought up Nunsense, I guess I'll talk about this next. This one is also really hard for me to talk about. I was originally in Nunsense. However things changed. This is my first time actually letting all of this one out. I've explained in very little detail to people what was going on and why I quit the show but I'll go more in depth with it now.
For a few months now I have been fighting against my body. A lot of people don't know this but I work my body to death. I push myself past my limits because it has always made me stronger. However, this time was different. This year, as I have been pushing my body it has been fighting back more than ever. I was in Jurors and then I was also in Nunsense at the same time. Not only that but I was also working. I would come home from rehearsals (or work) and be so exhausted but I would still have homework and I would fight against my body wanting sleep because my grades were suffering and I couldn't stand it.
At first, I was fine. I have always stayed up late working on homework when deadlines got close and then I just rest up after all the work is turned in. Well this time it got bad. I got sick. Now that normally isn't a bad thing for people but I hardly get sick and when I do get sick...it's really bad. I can't even remember the last time I was sick before this time. Well I got sick...extremely sick and this all started to happen close to when Jurors was going to open.
I still fought.
I knew my body was screaming at me to get some rest and take care of it but I was failing a class and I had other classes to make up, I couldn't miss school and I couldn't miss rehearsals. So I kept doing what I always did. Nobody realized how sick I really was. Let me tell you this, I'm pretty good at faking how I really feel and I was about ready to just give up because I was in so much pain and I couldn't handle it. But I kept pushing. Well it started to get to the point where I would get light-headed and I was unable to balance myself and I was constantly exhausted. Nobody really saw how bad it really was, they knew I was pretty sick but I was a lot sicker than people thought (it was so bad that I'm still dealing with all the effects even now).
Finally it got to a point where I
had to get some rest and so I finally gave in and started to listen to everyone and to my body. Now, relating this back to Nunsense...during all of this I knew I needed to cut back on things so that I could be able to rest. So I quit Nunsense, that way I would be able to continue my senior show. It was a really hard decision for me. I have never quit any show I have ever been in. There have been shows where I felt like quitting, but I never did because I knew I would regret it and I would just push myself through it. But I knew I couldn't with this show. I knew deep down I no longer had the strength I did before and my body wouldn't allow me to do it. I needed that rest and I needed to get better. (Ugh. Now I'm tearing up all over again).
A lot of people know that I hate giving up. I absolutely hate it. I can't do it. Quitting Nunsense was also hard because I had also just given up on my AP Psych class. AP Psych was one of the first things I have given up on completely and when I dropped that class it killed me more than I let people know. So when I dropped Nunsense, it just made it worse. I felt like such a failure. Because of my body failing on me all the time I no longer could do Nunsense and I no longer had the strength to push myself through that class. I nearly died inside. I have never felt like such a failure in my life. I felt bad because my sister Carissa is in Nunsense and I have always tried to be an example of not giving up, even when times were hard. But I did and it killed me to have to give up on not only the cast and myself but to my sister of all people. I love her and I want her to know to keep going when life gets rough...but I have learned that sometimes you do need to listen to your body and sometimes it's stronger to give up on something that will only help you in the end than it is to push through it. Okay well I'm in tears now so it's probably best I change the subject. Haha.
Alright. Well I guess I'll talk about how I'm growing up. As many of you know, I'm graduating this year. It's crazy and I can't believe it's so close but I'm so excited and so nervous. I have waited for this for so long and it's super close now. It's a bit overwhelming as I try to figure out exactly what I plan to do with my future. As of right now, I want to major in Health Education. I don't know where I'm going for school yet but I'm figuring that out :) I have always loved health and as I was at SOAR and learning of all the different majors at BYU I came across Health Education. I looked at all the courses I would need to take for that major and each class made me so excited that I felt like it was right for me. That is why I plan on going into Health Education (or public health depending on where I go). I just thought I would throw that out there because a lot of people have asked me about it and why I want to do it.
Now that I've stopped the tears, I can start talking once again of a little bit more serious matters. So lately I've been thinking a lot about the past and the future, as well as trying to live in the moment. Well that tends to get a little crazy after a while. As I have thought about my past and how it has made me who I am today I've realized a lot about myself. I am grateful for all I have learned from the past. Just a couple of weeks ago I finally closed a chapter in my life. It was difficult but it had to be done. I'm grateful for the lessons learned from that experience and I will take it with me through the rest of my life. Also, all the memories made...I'll never forget them. I look back at all the things we did together so often and there are days when I would miss all the little things, but it was time for the both of us to move on. So we did.
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| A few of my friends that keep me going |
That experience made me start to look at other things too. I don't want to say too much because I'm still working this all out in my head. In short I'm trying to figure out what other things need to be changed in my life to make things not only better for myself but for others. Whether that means saying goodbye or trying new things or just simply continuing with the flow of things. I don't know quite yet but I'll get there and I'm excited to see where things take me. I know I have a bright future ahead and I can't wait.
I'm now ready to let go and just live my life to the fullest. I have longed to be truly happy for a while and it's finally starting to happen again. I don't know exactly what changed it but I'm working on pinpointing whatever it is and I will work to keep it that way.
I know I have a lot to do in this life and I have so much to improve on but I'm willing to keep pushing through the rainy days. I know that one day there will be sunshine again. And even though things are cloudy now, it won't always be. I've learned to just dance through the rain and find things that make me enjoy it while I have it. So even though life isn't perfect, there are still good things around me that I can be grateful for. Little bits of sunlight poking through the clouds to let me know it's going to be okay. My body may be telling me to stop, but I still have passions that keep me happy. There have always been things that have made me happy, I just didn't notice until recently.
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| Time to be happy again |
I want to thank my friends for all the support and love they have given me. I really am such a lucky girl to have the friends I have. I love them all and I don't know what I would do without them. Thank you sooo much! You guys are why I keep fighting. You guys keep me going :) And whenever you feel like life is horrible, know that I believe in you and I will fight with you! Learn to dance in the rain. It will make you stronger!
So now my journey continues. I will continue to fight the battles I am given. I'm ready to fight them. I'm ready to be happy again.
I'm ready.
