Recently I've been doing a lot of thinking. As this past spring break went by it's got me thinking about how close it is to me graduating. I really can't believe how fast this year has gone by. Looking back, I realize that I have learned a lot about myself, about others and about just life in general.
I have lost some friends this year but have gained many others. I made a lot of mistakes this year but I have learned from them and I continue to learn from all of them. That's what life is all about right? Learning. I want to just say a few things from what I've learned this past year. Hopefully you will get something from what I have to say :)
Now I'm already getting teary-eyed but this year I have learned just how strong I can be. It's been a really rough year for me and I can imagine each of you had your own struggles this year as well, but as I look back on this year...this one has definitely been my hardest year yet. I have been tested in ways I never thought I would be tested in. I have had to deal with failures like I've never had to before, heartbreaks like never before, promises broken, loneliness, fears, betrayals, broken friendships, my family, myself. By far the hardest thing for me this year has been myself. I look back at the beginning of the year and I can see how much stronger I have become. I have fought through everything that life has given me this past year and it makes me sad that anyone would have to go through all of that. It's kind of overwhelming looking back at it all and realizing just how much a little girl had to deal with in just one year. I never wish for anyone to have any of the feelings I had this year about myself. I started the year off really shaky. I was in a place in my life where I really was getting tired of life and I was never really happy. Then I fought with feeling like a failure because I could no longer do things the way I used to, making me have to quit things and I never felt good enough for anything or for anyone. Throughout the whole year, I have never really been happy to look at myself in the mirror and be comfortable with what I saw. I struggled with feeling like something was wrong with me.
And then I felt alone. There have only been a few times when I have ever felt truly alone but the worst was earlier this year. There aren't even words to express how alone I felt. I struggled every day with feeling like I had to face all my problems by myself. I felt like I didn't have somebody to turn to who would understand me. I started missing how things used to be and I didn't know what to do anymore. I became worried that I would never feel like I was truly happy ever again. It seemed so far out of reach.
Well I don't know what happened but slowly I didn't feel as alone anymore. I want to say that it's because of all the amazing friends I have. I started to realize that they may not understand exactly how I feel but they would do anything to make sure I was okay and they would always be there for me. I can't tell you how grateful I am for the friends I have. They take time out of their day to make sure I am okay and I never feel like I deserve it.
Just a few weeks ago I was struggling with some stuff and I just needed somebody to talk to. I had come to a realization about how I was feeling towards a few things about myself during one of my classes one day. As I went to my next class I had to tell somebody. I couldn't just hold it in because I needed to just let somebody understand what I just came to understand. I pulled aside my friend before class started and just told her how I felt. I didn't expect to cry but as the tears streamed down my cheeks I was thankful for her and her understanding.
Not only did my friends help me so I didn't feel alone anymore, but I know my God helped me as well. I have seen many times this year when I am feeling even the tiniest bit alone, He comes and rescues me. I've seen it at work, at school, during a rehearsal, at seminary...anywhere. It will be so subtle but it hits me hard every time I realize it. It even happened just this past week at work through a little girl. God knows how to make me feel special. I know He knows me and I can always rely on Him. He has always been there for me, even if I didn't want Him to be and I can't express enough gratitude to Him.
The past few months I have finally started to feel happy. It has felt so amazing to be truly happy. Yes, I still have bad days...we all do. But overall, these past few months I have been extremely happy. I fought through a big storm this year and I know I have many more to come but I know I can make it through it. My life still has its issues and it is far from perfect, but I've started to learn to just dance through the storm. So with whatever storm you are traveling through, I advise you to jump in the puddles, splash around and just dance through it all. It will be hard and you'll get tired of it, but eventually you will find happiness from it.
I am very proud of myself for not giving up so easy. I've finally made it to the next step in my life. It's going to be a different step than the ones before but I can make it through it. I have been shown just how strong I am...even for a little girl. And the strength I now have, it's going to take me far.
No comments:
Post a Comment