"I Am With You"

Not knowing where you're going is possibly one of the scariest things in life.

I have always been afraid of the future, but knowing I at least had a plan made it seem easier. When I graduated, it was probably one of the most terrifying things to have to choose exactly what my next 4 years would look like. When I finally set my heart on what I felt was right, things felt easier. Then came the point where I felt like my choice of school was already done. I had done what I needed there and there was nothing left for me there. I wasn't even done with my first year of college and I now had no idea what was happening. What I thought I knew I would be doing for the next four years came crumbling down and I was frightened to death.

It was at that moment that I felt like I was a complete failure.

I resented whenever people brought up school and asked me how it was or what I was majoring in or where I was going. No matter how many times I recited the same lines over and over again, it was always just as awkward as the time before. I hated feeling like people saw me as a "dropout," like I wasn't good enough to stick through even a year of college.

I thought that as time went by, I would understand what I needed to do next and life would just start to pick up, however that wasn't necessarily the case.

I wasn't very involved in my single's ward and often felt like I didn't fit in. When we had ward things and I would actually be able to go, I felt out of place, lonely and friendless. I didn't feel like I really had a place in that ward and I didn't feel like I was ever noticed. I didn't know who my home teachers were and I had never once heard from my visiting teachers. I don't think many people could even tell you my name in that ward or even recognize me. I remember one time, somebody asked if I was even a part of the ward...and I had been there for about 6 months. In relief society, they would sometimes have a prayer thing where you could put down people you know who are struggling for some extra prayers. I would always think to myself, if only people actually knew me to know that I was struggling...but I had no voice in that ward.

Also since I no longer had immediate plans for school, I started feeling pressured to think about a mission. I prayed about it, I prayed about it some more and I kept praying about it. And I just didn't feel right about it. So not only would I get the awkward "where are you going for college?" question, but I would also get the " well then are you going to serve a mission?" So I would often feel like a double failure within the same conversation.

It came to the point where I got angry at myself and God. 

It was at that point where I felt so useless in His eyes. 

I felt like I lost all my worth and that He no longer thought of me as a strong daughter to call His own. I felt hurt. I had so many questions on where I was supposed to be and who I was supposed to become and I felt like I wasn't receiving any answers. I was angry because I felt like He was literally trying to take everything that I knew, away from me and tell me that He didn't need me in His work. I was just a little voice and I wasn't going to do much for Him.

But when we choose to look at our situations like that, it only makes it seem worse. 

Yes, my boyfriend left. Yes, my best friend was leaving for her mission soon. Yes, I was taking time off from school. Yes, I worked a lot so I couldn't be involved in my ward. Yes, I can be shy and it's hard for me to open up so I often feel alone. Yes, most of my friends were on missions or off at different colleges so I often felt like I had nobody. Yes, I struggle with an eating disorder and it's still easy for me to forget that my body needs to be taken care of. Yes, I get anxiety just thinking about me possibly going on a mission, so I know it's not in my best interest. Yes, I am unsure about my plans for the future and it scares me more than anything.

However, I don't want to make these things become excuses for me. I know that in the end, everything will work out and I will be able to understand things more clearly. I know that I am still growing and learning. I am still trying to figure out who I am in this big world and I know God is with me every step of the way. I know that I am not alone in this. I may not see myself the way God sees me, but I do know that I am better in His eyes than in my own. 

So to my seniors who are getting ready to graduate, you have learned a lot through high school over the years and you're about to step into a new future. Don't get hung up on all the little things life will throw at you. When you need to, take a step back and just breathe. Because life will always go on, for better or for worse - you just choose how you want to take it. And take it from me, in a long run, it will always be better to see the positive at whatever life gives you than it ever will be to bottle up all the negative stuff. People see you better than you see yourself. When things get rough and you question yourself, DON'T. You are strong. You are courageous. You are bright. You are your own future. And whatever you do, God is with you.

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