Some days you feel worthless.
Yesterday I was struggling with feeling like I wasn't good enough to be at BYU. A lot of people think that in order to go to BYU, you have to be a smart, well-rounded student. Well I haven't felt like I am smart enough to be at BYU since before I even arrived at BYU.
I did not chose BYU from the start. It's actually not where I wanted to go in the first place. However, I felt like it was where I needed to go right now. I've been trying to understand why and I have come up with multiple reasons, but there is still a lot of questions as to why BYU was right for me.
I got a scholarship here. So financially, it makes sense. I'm multi-cultural, so admittance into BYU makes sense. I was involved in a lot of different clubs in high school, so I have that background. I'm LDS. I've overcome a hardship that changed me (application essay). I live close, so it seems like a logical choice for me.
But why me? Why is BYU a place where I am supposed to be right now?
Yesterday I had a really rough day at school. I had to take two tests and one I was not prepared for. I failed my first test at college (and as a freshman...failing scares you half to death) and then the other one I struggled with the outcome of the test. I had studied for this other test. The first time I took a test for this class was when I accidentally took it without studying and ended up doing surprisingly well on it. So I figured with studying I would do even better...makes sense right? However, that wasn't the case. In fact I barely even passed the test.
I was so angry. At myself. At God. At the school. At everything.
Why was I here when I was just barely passing classes? Am I really "smart" enough to be at this school? Did I really make the right choice coming here? Why did I do worse when I studied? I should have done better! That's what they tell you...so why was I the exception? This happened when I took the ACT too! I didn't study, took the test and did better than when I did study and then I did the best when I didn't study or even have a math class for about a year!
So what is wrong with me? Am I not capable of learning like other people?
Why am I at BYU?
I pleaded with God to know why. I cried and I cried. I apologized for being angry with Him but I really didn't understand the purpose of being at BYU and that's all I wanted to know. I just wanted some answers I've been asking since the day I clicked that "I plan to attend" button. Why did I feel like this was where I needed to be right now, instead of being where I wanted to be?
I had no close friends coming into BYU. I still don't have any. They're phasing out my major so I might not even be able to finish it at BYU. I don't do well without having somebody I'm close with around. I'm barely getting through my classes. I sit alone every day in classes. I feel so small on campus. I don't get any attention (sounds selfish...but you want to be noticed every now and then). I sit at home while my roommates go out with friends. I've started feeling like it's not even worth it to look nice if nobody would notice me anyways. I started dealing with my eating disorder again since the day I arrived. Feelings of being unloved, unwanted, stupid, ugly, not social, unfriendly, unapproachable, worthless kept coming to me...every day getting worse.
What made all of this worth it?
Had I known this was how I would feel at BYU, would I have chosen coming here?
Honestly, I don't know.
But I do know this is where I'm supposed to be. I keep forgetting the things I have already learned as to why BYU was the right choice for me. I can't imagine how things would have been, had I chosen my dream school instead of the school I thought I was never going to go to. BYU let me keep my job, one that I love...even when it gets redundant. I still have my family close for when I am in need of people who will understand me and people I can be myself around. I was able to spend more time with the guy I love than I would have, had I chosen somewhere else. I still have my high school nearby...which is actually good because I loved high school and miss it more than anyone out there haha. I got to see my grandparents when they came to visit because I was still in the area. I got to keep my home ward so close to me which has been beneficial for some exciting things that I am now starting on.
BYU has given me so much more than any other school could have offered me right now. I didn't want to admit it, but I needed BYU more than BYU needed me. They could have continued on with life had I chosen to decline them.
But could I?
Probably...but I wouldn't be better off.
So even though I don't fully understand why I'm here, I know it's where I should be. And knowing that makes all the difference. God doesn't want me to fail. He is only doing what He knows is best for me. I don't see things the way He does and sometimes I forget that. People have made it possible for me to be here, so I should take advantage of that. I should make the most of what I was given and strive to do my best.
Then, and only then, is when I'll start to more fully understand God's plan for me here at BYU.
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