As many of you know, I have suffered from an eating disorder (you can read my story about that following this link: http://dreadfulthoughtsofadistraughtteen.blogspot.com/2014/03/sharing-my-storyits-about-time-i-did.html) . I started doing a lot better and was eating more regularly. I finally felt like I had taken control of what had possessed me for a long time. Friends and family made sure I was eating more and they tried to help in any way they could.
And then college hit me.
At first I was doing great and making sure I was eating still, but slowly I found myself making excuses to skip a meal here and there. I started making excuses not to buy more groceries because I had other things to pay like rent, textbooks, paying my mom back, etc. Eating was always last on my list and if I didn't get to it...oh well.
I've started to really analyze my thinking from the past couple of months because I could see a change in myself. It seems almost subtle at first glance but as it has been on my mind lately, I've started to realize what's really been going on.
It wasn't until I had a big and important assignment in my nutrition class that it really started to bother me. See before this assignment I kept telling myself I was eating too much and I needed to cut back, but then for my class we had to record what we ate for 3 days and I knew with how I was eating, it would raise some eyebrows. So I told myself I'd eat more for those 3 days so that it looked like I was "average." That didn't happen. I actually ended up doing worse every time I tried. As the deadline came close, I started freaking out. I didn't know what I was going to do. I could make up what I ate and just do the assignment that way or actually write down what I had eaten and just turn it in.
I emailed my TA instead. I told them what was going on and the emotional stress I was going through. I didn't get excused from the assignment, don't think I did it for that...but it was able to help me realize how bad things have gotten.
I've realized I put on a face for people out in public lately. I've gone back to hiding - I don't want to be associated as struggling with an eating disorder because it makes me feel weak and not good enough to overcome it. I don't want people thinking I do it because of attention.
I've started to see why I haven't been eating much...the real reason.
I walk around campus every day for about 5-6 hours and I just see hundreds of girls that look prettier and healthier than I do. Then I come home to an apartment of girls who once again look prettier and healthier than I do. My ward is filled with girls I compare as prettier than myself. I pull up Facebook and scroll through more gorgeous girls I know. And at the end of the day, I feel none of that towards myself.
I don't feel pretty.
I don't feel healthy.
I don't feel like myself.
I feel like I can't even compare to the hundreds of girls around me.
I haven't felt this much control from the disorder in a really long time. I'm surrounded by lots of new people and I just keep comparing myself to them...and I can't stop. I put myself in a position where all I can think of is how great so and so is and how I'll never look like them or act like them. It doesn't help that when things change in a really big way for me, I start to retreat. So I see all these people more outgoing than I am and I retreat even further. I feel pressured to be more outgoing but it scares me because I feel like I have nothing to offer.
Nobody will want to be friends with somebody like me here at BYU.
I'm just a child.
Other girls are prettier.
I'm a nobody on this huge campus.
And that alone has been a really hard adjustment for me.
And so...I've retreated.
I never feel like myself anymore whenever I'm on campus or at my apartment...or anywhere in Provo. And so I yearn for the way things used to be. I wish more than anything I could go back and just stay a little longer.
It just proves that this disorder is a life-long battle I will have to deal with. You can tell me the way I think is wrong, but that is never going to change how I think of myself. It's harder than you think. You can't just tell me that I should stop thinking the way I do...because it doesn't work like that.
I want to be happy with myself again, but right now....that isn't happening.
There is some good news to this. For the longest time my sister has told me to get a therapist for help. I'm finally ready to take that step because I'm scared of what will happen if I don't. I'm tired of this and I'm finally ready to do something about it right now. Pray for me to have strength to go through with it.
I've started to really analyze my thinking from the past couple of months because I could see a change in myself. It seems almost subtle at first glance but as it has been on my mind lately, I've started to realize what's really been going on.
It wasn't until I had a big and important assignment in my nutrition class that it really started to bother me. See before this assignment I kept telling myself I was eating too much and I needed to cut back, but then for my class we had to record what we ate for 3 days and I knew with how I was eating, it would raise some eyebrows. So I told myself I'd eat more for those 3 days so that it looked like I was "average." That didn't happen. I actually ended up doing worse every time I tried. As the deadline came close, I started freaking out. I didn't know what I was going to do. I could make up what I ate and just do the assignment that way or actually write down what I had eaten and just turn it in.
I emailed my TA instead. I told them what was going on and the emotional stress I was going through. I didn't get excused from the assignment, don't think I did it for that...but it was able to help me realize how bad things have gotten.
I've realized I put on a face for people out in public lately. I've gone back to hiding - I don't want to be associated as struggling with an eating disorder because it makes me feel weak and not good enough to overcome it. I don't want people thinking I do it because of attention.
I've started to see why I haven't been eating much...the real reason.
I walk around campus every day for about 5-6 hours and I just see hundreds of girls that look prettier and healthier than I do. Then I come home to an apartment of girls who once again look prettier and healthier than I do. My ward is filled with girls I compare as prettier than myself. I pull up Facebook and scroll through more gorgeous girls I know. And at the end of the day, I feel none of that towards myself.
I don't feel pretty.
I don't feel healthy.
I don't feel like myself.
I feel like I can't even compare to the hundreds of girls around me.
I haven't felt this much control from the disorder in a really long time. I'm surrounded by lots of new people and I just keep comparing myself to them...and I can't stop. I put myself in a position where all I can think of is how great so and so is and how I'll never look like them or act like them. It doesn't help that when things change in a really big way for me, I start to retreat. So I see all these people more outgoing than I am and I retreat even further. I feel pressured to be more outgoing but it scares me because I feel like I have nothing to offer.
Nobody will want to be friends with somebody like me here at BYU.
I'm just a child.
Other girls are prettier.
I'm a nobody on this huge campus.
And that alone has been a really hard adjustment for me.
And so...I've retreated.
I never feel like myself anymore whenever I'm on campus or at my apartment...or anywhere in Provo. And so I yearn for the way things used to be. I wish more than anything I could go back and just stay a little longer.
It just proves that this disorder is a life-long battle I will have to deal with. You can tell me the way I think is wrong, but that is never going to change how I think of myself. It's harder than you think. You can't just tell me that I should stop thinking the way I do...because it doesn't work like that.
I want to be happy with myself again, but right now....that isn't happening.
There is some good news to this. For the longest time my sister has told me to get a therapist for help. I'm finally ready to take that step because I'm scared of what will happen if I don't. I'm tired of this and I'm finally ready to do something about it right now. Pray for me to have strength to go through with it.
Hi Alissa. I hope the very best for you, and I hope that getting involved in this new therapy would help you. In the mean time, stay busy and know that you are very, very pretty. I'm sure it's your own picture in your blog? Trust me you're really very pretty. And quite gutsy too since you decided to write this up in your blog and share with people. You know, usually people try to hide their flaws but you... you did a great job sharing this with people. By sharing you did good to yourself because the first step to any good change is "accepting" that 'yes, I have this problem and this needs to be fixed'. Without accepting the truth you cannot change, and hence you cannot improve. Also, by writing down this in your blog you might be helping someone because you never know, someone reading your blog might be going through the same, and might be looking for some answers. So, don't think you are not good enough or that you are not pretty. You are more than 'just pretty'. You are pretty, gutsy, and creative- since you write ( and running a blog with consistency is a great art, which not everybody has!). At least I can point out these three qualities of yours just by visiting your blog for the very first time! I don't even know you and I could tell about your 3 great qualities. And I'm sure in real life you have many more qualities but you're just not looking at/ focusing at right now. Don't ignore your 'real' beauty in you.
ReplyDeleteJust be happy and have fun with your family and friends. Life may seem tough sometimes but if you have supportive friends and family you just don't need any other security measure because they are always gonna be right next to you to rescue you.
Love,
S