Dreadful Thoughts of a Distraught Girl: The Fight Continues :)

As many of you saw me post things for National Eating Disorders Awareness Week, I wanted to share a little bit about my thoughts on this past week and this past year. Last year was my first time participating in NEDAW and it truly was a blast for me. I learned a lot about myself and about the people I surround myself with. I was nervous participating in it because I was still unsure about telling people my story with eating disorders. I started the week off with only telling my closest friends and family about the things I was doing as I participated. But by the 3rd day, I was starting to share what I was doing with people I hardly even knew. I loved seeing how supportive my friends were and how excited they were about joining in on NEDAW with me. I didn't have to face it alone. Just like I haven't had to face recovery alone. By the end of NEDAW last year, I finally shared my story on my blog for anyone and everyone to see. I was tired of it holding me back and I wanted to move forward with feeling ashamed of it (you can read my story here:http://dreadfulthoughtsofadistraughtteen.blogspot.com/2014/03/sharing-my-storyits-about-time-i-did.html).
It's been a year since then (obviously) and I can say a lot has changed for me. I still hesitate about talking about what I have gone through because of my ED, but it has taught me a lot and I feel like it has brought me closer to God in ways I never thought possible. This past week was great and I loved seeing once again, people fight for a cause, one that is so important to me. I felt like this year, they focused NEDAW around raising awareness and also remembering yourself.
This week I've reflected on the past year. Recovery isn't perfect. I still have a long way to go, but I've come to learn that I am worth the fight. I deserve to fight. I have a reason to fight.
The one thing I never understood about eating disorders before I dealt with one, was the emotional side. Society teaches us that we need to be a certain way, and that really does take a toll on people after a while. Emotionally and mentally, I still have a really, really long way to go. This past year, I've realized how much my ED changed my mentality. If I hear people talking behind me and I can't hear what they say, I automatically think they are talking about how bad I am or they're criticizing me. I hate getting dressed because I have a daily battle with how my body looks every time I try to get dressed to go somewhere. I don't like shopping for clothes either. There's a lot more too, but my point is, because of my ED, it's been a challenge to see what other's see.
And it doesn't just go away. You can tell me how much you think I'm worth all you want, but it's not going to just make me believe it. It's something I've realized takes time. A lot of time.
I lost a lot of what I thought I was worth and because of that I lost my faith in God for quite some time. I didn't think I mattered so why would a God pay attention to me. But over time, things started changing little by little. I found hope in myself and because of my knowledge of God, I've been able to recover little by little. I may still have a long way to go, but I know now without a doubt that God cares about me. He loves me and will continue to walk with me as I battle with this for the rest of my life. I feel like I've come a long way since just last year...and it blows my mind how far I've come from the very beginning of recovery. Life is all about learning and growing and that is exactly what my ED has done. I'm not proud of my decision back then, but I can't change what already has been done and it no longer is holding me back the way it used to.
I am a warrior because of it.

Pics from the week: