Never Grow Up

So tomorrow I'm moving out. To be honest, I have been counting down the days ever since I was 16 and now I can't believe it's almost time. I'm not gonna lie, I'm excited more than anything but I'm also frightened to death. I always imagined moving out to be different. I thought I would have friends with me along the way. But as time got closer I realized that they will be with me along the way...they just wouldn't be right next to me all the time like I hoped for.

My closest friends aren't coming with me. The people I've grown up with aren't coming with me. I'll be on my own. In an apartment with 3 other girls who I don't even know. That's scary!!!

I've been putting up a wall the past few weeks of how I feel about moving out because I knew as the time got closer I would lose it if I didn't have that wall up. I have been so ready and so excited to move out, but it's also been hard on me and as I watch some of my best friends go off to their own future, I get even more afraid. Because I know I won't have them like I did in the past.

It's so hard to say goodbye to those who have been there for you through everything for so long. There are

never enough words to say when the time comes. One person I will miss soo much is Shaina. This girl has been one of my rocks the past three years. I can't believe how much she has helped me. When I first met her, I never would have thought she would become so special to me (if you know the story of what I first thought of her, then you'll completely understand). But seriously, she's been there to help me so much. Whenever I was struggling, she was there to pick me up. She understood me in a different way than most people did and I'm so glad we became friends. I hope you have an amazing time in college Shaina! Just know I will be missing you tons...especially when things start to get rough. Thank you for all you have done. For always being there when I was afraid, or upset. For letting me just cry. For just being an amazing friend. I never got to tell you how much your friendship has meant to me. You truly saved me and I have no idea where I would be if I didn't have you all through high school.

I am frightened to leave my friends behind and not have the opportunity to see them everyday. You don't realize that you take high school for granted, until  the day you graduate. High school provided a place where you could see your best friends every day, practically every hour for 6 hours, 5 days in a row. Sometimes you'll see them even more because of all the extra things. Like track, sports, theatre, choir, band, orchestra, dance, etc.. And we think it will be like that forever. But every year around May we get reminded that you grow up and some move on. Every year you say goodbye to the seniors and feel bad that you don't have them anymore. But you're okay in the end because you know you still have your other friends for a couple more years.

Then senior year comes around and it's you that is leaving everyone behind. You're not coming back. You're going off on your own.

When I graduated I honestly broke inside. High school has been everything to me the past three years. I was so involved and I never really wanted to leave. I didn't want to say goodbye to my friends. I didn't want them to go off to college. I didn't want all of us to grow up and go separate ways. I was selfish...and I still am. I wanted all of it to be the same because I was afraid to let everyone go.

Some people have heard my joke about how people usually get depressed because they are in high school, but I was gonna be the one to get depressed because I'm not gonna be in high school. And that's honestly how I feel. Everyone says college is a blast, and I believe it. I just wish I could have my friends with me when I experience it.

College is a big thing. And when I'm on BYU's campus I feel like a little girl. Where everything looks bigger
than it really is but in reality, you're just really small. And you know what? It frightens me. I don't consider myself old enough to be at college. I feel so young and I don't feel like I belong. And the transition so far has felt so natural that it actually has scared me how natural it feels...if that makes any sense.

My Drama Class Family

The biggest thing I think I will miss from high school is my drama family. They have been everything to me and I was so lucky that I had them. I'm so glad they welcomed me into the family with open arms and loving hearts. My drama family holds a special place in my heart. I love you guys! And that also includes my "extended drama family," the theatre department. You guys are so talented and I'm so sad I won't get to interact with you all every day.

I'm gonna miss going to young womens. That had always been a place of love and comfort to me. I have always had the best leaders who have supported me and helped me way beyond their calling required. They became friends and some were even family to me. The young womens program has truly blessed my life and it's gonna be hard for me not to be a part of it anymore. I tried to put off leaving as much as possible, but every week I knew it was coming and I didn't want to accept it. It makes me sad that Wednesdays will be different now. I loved having those two hours to be with the girls in my ward. They are so special and I love them all dearly. I know God looks over them all and I came to understand just a portion of the love He has for those girls when I was a leader at girls camp this year.

I'm really gonna miss everything. I'm not ready to leave it all behind and I don't want to. But it's time. I have to be strong. I have to be brave. I have to do this. Luckily I have The Lord to help me when I feel alone or out of place. I'm glad that even though I'm giving up a lot of my past, I don't have to give him up. I am so glad I know that He lives and loves me and knows my names and desires. I'm glad He understands me more than I understand myself. I don't want to lose Him because I walked away from Him once and I have never felt so out of place in my life. I need Him now more than ever before and honestly, I think that's one reason why I felt like BYU was right for me.

I want to thank my family for putting up with my mood swings, my laughter, my tears, my love life, my heartbreaks, my struggles, my successes, my passions, my anger, my stupidity, my sass, my drama, my everything the past 18 years. Nobody has stayed by me through everything like they have. I'm gonna miss my younger sisters a lot. We've always been known as "three peas in a pod" and at times we are inseparable. I'm gonna miss having them in the room next to me, screaming their heads off or laughing about some stupid thing. It's gonna be hard not being able to joke around with them as much as we have. They understand me so much more than anybody else I know. They are amazing young women and I am so proud to be their sister. Boys better watch out because they are amazing and they deserve the best and I'll make sure that they get only the best!

Goodbyes are really hard for me. I don't like having to say goodbye, but for some I know we might not ever cross paths on this earth again. Which is sad, but it's the truth. I wish for all of you happiness. I hope you all find it. I hope you all find love in your life as well. I hope you find what you've been looking for in this life. And to those who are starting out on their senior year this year. Live it up! Don't take a moment for granted. It will fly by. Take lots of pictures, laugh, learn, love and just be yourself. Don't live with regrets. I know it's cliche but it honestly is true. I love you all so much and I will miss having you all in my life so often. If you ever need me, let me know though. Because chances are...I'll be needing you too. And even though I'm growing up and moving on, I'm not growing up at the same time. Always keep your childlike qualities.

I love you all and watch me as I take my life in a whole new direction and do my best to make it the most amazing life for myself. I'm ready now. I'm ready to walk out that door and know that I won't be coming back to stay. I'm ready to make a life for myself. I'm ready to never completely grow up. I'm ready to be me.

Forever and always,
Alissa A. Lopez


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