Am I Even Worth It?

"Tell her she's beautiful and she won't believe you. Because no matter how hard she tries, she can never see what you see. What she sees is how her mind is always a wreck or how fragile she is behind closed doors. She sees a broken girl who isn't worth fixing. Her eyes have become fixed on her flaws and they shut out any beauty others may see in her. So even though she hears it all the time, she'll never hear that she's beautiful from herself." -Alissa Lopez

As many of you know by now, I have struggled with an eating disorder on and off throughout the years. It's been a long and hard struggle I've had to learn to live with and nothing can prepare you for what it does to you. 

The past couple of years I have started to share my own story to others and become more open about it. I've realized that people can never wrap their heads around how I could not believe in myself enough to the point where I felt like starvation was the answer. I just wanted to talk a little about it because it's something that has been on my mind a lot lately and keeps coming up. 

There are a lot of factors when it comes to eating disorders and each person deals with it differently. I can't tell you what it's like for everyone but I can tell you what it's been like for me. 

Growing up my sisters and I fought and often times words would be said that we later would regret, just like most families. I don't know why, but I would take those harsh words to heart and I held onto them more than I held onto the good things they would say. As I kept growing up, I started believing those words and I unconsciously started losing my self-esteem. 

I can't trace it back to one single event but after years of hearing and believing the little "flaws," I started to notice things about myself that would show evidence that even though they might not mean to say it, what they were saying was true. 

It got to the point where I couldn't see anything good about myself and I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. I knew inside I was worth something but I felt like my outside didn't match what was inside. I knew I had a good heart but I didn't think people could see that because of all my flaws and I wanted that to change. 

After a while, my fixation on my flaws started to cover the things I actually did like in myself. It became harder and harder to see anything good about myself because I could only see my weaknesses and flaws. People always ask well why couldn't you just notice the good things other people saw? Like I've said, I fixated on the flaws that covered the good qualities. I think the best way to explain it is that I had a "tunnel vision."

I could only see one way and couldn't see any other way. 

Even though I heard people point out good things about myself, I never held onto them like I did with the negative stuff. Why? I don't have the answer to that but if you look at the world we live in, we live in a very negative-oriented world. It's hard to know how to see good things when you are bombarded by negative things everywhere you look. 

The way I have felt about myself has always been an issue in relationships. Whether it's with a friend, a family member, a teacher, a boyfriend, etc. it has always been something that I spend too much time on. Any little thing I would take it and spin it to fit my view about myself.

So when people ask me how I got to an eating disorder, I never have the same answer because 1. There really are a lot of factors that play into it and 2. I keep learning more and more of how I got there. There were years of unknowingly tearing myself down before I even thought of an eating disorder. 

For me, the emotional side came way before the mental and physical side of it. And I've become very aware now how I deal with words other people say - even when it's good things. And obviously it's something I still deal with but it is something I've been working on become more aware of. 

I know people compare themselves with other people often and it's sometimes things we all do unknowingly but it becomes unhealthy when that becomes our main focus. 

Have you ever heard of that one game (it's not really a game) where you say 5 positive things for every negative thing you say? This is something I've been trying lately because I often do have negative thoughts about myself. I've found that I can do this in my head - and even though it takes some time, I can do it and it does help. But when I do it out loud for others it's harder and takes longer. It's another level to admit it to my friends that I might think some good things about myself. So that's something else I've been trying to work on. 

But before I end this post, I do want to say for anyone who might feel the way I do about themselves that even though your vision may seem limited, it's not. I often still think my vision is very limited but there are moments that prove otherwise and you have to hold onto those moments. So even though it's hard and often times you want to give into the negative thoughts, please don't. Don't hurt yourself more. You deserve love especially from yourself. So keep reminding yourself that. Even if it means putting up a sign that you'll see everyday or putting a reminder on your phone. You need to know that you deserve to love yourself. 

"I Am With You"

Not knowing where you're going is possibly one of the scariest things in life.

I have always been afraid of the future, but knowing I at least had a plan made it seem easier. When I graduated, it was probably one of the most terrifying things to have to choose exactly what my next 4 years would look like. When I finally set my heart on what I felt was right, things felt easier. Then came the point where I felt like my choice of school was already done. I had done what I needed there and there was nothing left for me there. I wasn't even done with my first year of college and I now had no idea what was happening. What I thought I knew I would be doing for the next four years came crumbling down and I was frightened to death.

It was at that moment that I felt like I was a complete failure.

I resented whenever people brought up school and asked me how it was or what I was majoring in or where I was going. No matter how many times I recited the same lines over and over again, it was always just as awkward as the time before. I hated feeling like people saw me as a "dropout," like I wasn't good enough to stick through even a year of college.

I thought that as time went by, I would understand what I needed to do next and life would just start to pick up, however that wasn't necessarily the case.

I wasn't very involved in my single's ward and often felt like I didn't fit in. When we had ward things and I would actually be able to go, I felt out of place, lonely and friendless. I didn't feel like I really had a place in that ward and I didn't feel like I was ever noticed. I didn't know who my home teachers were and I had never once heard from my visiting teachers. I don't think many people could even tell you my name in that ward or even recognize me. I remember one time, somebody asked if I was even a part of the ward...and I had been there for about 6 months. In relief society, they would sometimes have a prayer thing where you could put down people you know who are struggling for some extra prayers. I would always think to myself, if only people actually knew me to know that I was struggling...but I had no voice in that ward.

Also since I no longer had immediate plans for school, I started feeling pressured to think about a mission. I prayed about it, I prayed about it some more and I kept praying about it. And I just didn't feel right about it. So not only would I get the awkward "where are you going for college?" question, but I would also get the " well then are you going to serve a mission?" So I would often feel like a double failure within the same conversation.

It came to the point where I got angry at myself and God. 

It was at that point where I felt so useless in His eyes. 

I felt like I lost all my worth and that He no longer thought of me as a strong daughter to call His own. I felt hurt. I had so many questions on where I was supposed to be and who I was supposed to become and I felt like I wasn't receiving any answers. I was angry because I felt like He was literally trying to take everything that I knew, away from me and tell me that He didn't need me in His work. I was just a little voice and I wasn't going to do much for Him.

But when we choose to look at our situations like that, it only makes it seem worse. 

Yes, my boyfriend left. Yes, my best friend was leaving for her mission soon. Yes, I was taking time off from school. Yes, I worked a lot so I couldn't be involved in my ward. Yes, I can be shy and it's hard for me to open up so I often feel alone. Yes, most of my friends were on missions or off at different colleges so I often felt like I had nobody. Yes, I struggle with an eating disorder and it's still easy for me to forget that my body needs to be taken care of. Yes, I get anxiety just thinking about me possibly going on a mission, so I know it's not in my best interest. Yes, I am unsure about my plans for the future and it scares me more than anything.

However, I don't want to make these things become excuses for me. I know that in the end, everything will work out and I will be able to understand things more clearly. I know that I am still growing and learning. I am still trying to figure out who I am in this big world and I know God is with me every step of the way. I know that I am not alone in this. I may not see myself the way God sees me, but I do know that I am better in His eyes than in my own. 

So to my seniors who are getting ready to graduate, you have learned a lot through high school over the years and you're about to step into a new future. Don't get hung up on all the little things life will throw at you. When you need to, take a step back and just breathe. Because life will always go on, for better or for worse - you just choose how you want to take it. And take it from me, in a long run, it will always be better to see the positive at whatever life gives you than it ever will be to bottle up all the negative stuff. People see you better than you see yourself. When things get rough and you question yourself, DON'T. You are strong. You are courageous. You are bright. You are your own future. And whatever you do, God is with you.

https://www.facebook.com/PaulCardallMusic/videos/10152817575021497/

I Will Share My Light

For those who don't know, I am a part of the LDS faith. I was raised in the LDS church my whole life. My dad was a convert and passed away when I was five. My mom at the time was left to raise 5 girls ranging in age from 12 to a year old. My mom moved to Utah where a lot of her family lived. At the time, I didn't quite comprehend the situation fully, but I knew my father had passed away and I was raised knowing that one day, I would be able to see him again. I didn't quite understand it when I was 5, but I honestly believed it.

As years went on and I started to grow, I also started to learn more about the faith I was born into. I was baptized when I was 8 years old and had a huge testimony of God and of His plan. Fast forward a few more years and I was in junior high. I was in 9th grade when I started to reevaluate my life and my faith. I got confused and I had a lot of doubts. I struggled a lot because I knew I wanted to believe what I had been taught all my life, as well as wanting to believe what I was being taught in church and seminary, but I found myself not believing all that I had thought I believed years before. I wanted to fit in with what I thought you needed to be like to be a "mormon girl" but found myself soon resenting that I had to live a certain way that I didn't even believe in living. 

I started becoming disinterested in the LDS faith. I would continue to go to church in fear that I would be judged for choosing not to be Mormon. I found myself trying to get out of going to sacrament meeting at church as well as young women's during the week. I didn't pray anymore and I wasn't reading my scriptures. Pretty soon, my life went a little downhill. I started having lower self esteem and resenting living when I felt so ashamed of myself and so alone. I became suicidal and my choice of suicide was an eating disorder which I have mentioned before on my blog. I separated myself emotionally and spiritually from the LDS faith, but on the outside I made it look like I was still a "good Mormon girl."

After a few years, it came to a point in my life where I knew I needed help and I found myself feeling like I couldn't talk to anybody because they wouldn't understand how I felt. I felt so entirely alone and I shut myself off from people emotionally. I am a pretty independent person and don't like asking for help. I felt like if I were to gain control of my life, I could do it alone and I didn't need a God to "help me." 

However, one night when I was alone in my room and I sat in my bed crying. I felt like I had no other choice but to pray to the God I was raised to believe in was always there with an outstretched hand. I started praying to Him, pouring out my soul. I remember saying how I was so confused and I didn't understand. I wanted to believe that the church was true but I had so many doubts and I was so afraid to choose a different life than what I was raised in. I didn't receive any answers to my doubts that night and I didn't receive anything to tell me that the church was true. I did receive comfort and the ability to sleep soundly through the night. 

I committed myself to at least trying to figure out if this church was true. I started to open myself up to the church again as I went to seminary, sunday school, young women's and church meetings. I had a very basic testimony. I believed there was a God who was always there for us and I believed that families were forever. That was basically my testimony for a long time.

I remember when I first shared my basic testimony. I was scared because I felt like I didn't have a big enough testimony so I wasn't going to really help anyone. But I wanted people to know that I KNEW that what I did believe in was true and I believed it with all my heart. It wasn't much, but it was enough. Sharing my testimony wasn't for others, but for me at that time.

There were people over the years who would ask me why I don't believe some things they believed in and it always hurt that I couldn't believe it, but we all progress in our own ways. We do not need to have a big, flashy testimony to prove ourselves. God knows what we believe and He is just happy when we open up ourselves to share what we believe in. It's scary talking about God in this day and age because in the world, it's not as widely accepted to have a belief in a God.

But your faith, no matter what you believe, is what makes you grow as a person. Sharing the things you believe in is what will inspire others. You have a light. God wants us to share our light, not just to light the way for others, but for ourselves as well. Share your light, it doesn't have to be as bright as the sun to make a difference. Your light will help those in darkness no matter how little the light may seem. Share goodness and you will be blessed. Life isn't easy. We will get knocked down a few times but that light will help us see a little more so that we can have more understanding.

I have wavered in my faith before. And I still don't understand everything completely, but I know God lives. I know that He is aware of each one of His children. Christ suffered for our sins and walked our path before and is now willing to walk it again with us. When we feel like we can no longer go on, He is there to carry us until our feet are rested and ready to walk again. If we stumble over a rock or lose our footing, He will help us balance ourselves out again. 

I know that one day I will see my father again and I cannot wait for the day where I will be able to run into his arms again. I know my earthly father loves me and watches over me and my sisters. I have felt him near me from time to time. 

I have been blessed throughout my life with the friends, family, teachers and leaders I have been given. It was their strength that made me yearn to want what they had. Your role is important and your light will help somebody. You may not see how your light affects others, but they will always remember how you impacted their life. I am still learning and my testimony continues to grow. 

I prayed that one night to have faith in having faith...which sounds strange but sometimes you need to ask to have faith because you can't on your own. 

God is real. He is aware of you and me. I love my God with all my heart. I honestly don't know what I would do if I wasn't raised in the LDS church. I didn't come back to the LDS faith because I felt pressured to or because that was what I was raised to believe, I came back to it because I had come to know for myself of its truth. 

I have a firm testimony in the gospel now and I know the gospel is true. My testimony continues to grow. I completely trust God with my life.
The gospel has changed my life for the better. I have found happiness in the gospel, everlasting happiness. The gospel has opened me up and made me a better person. Because of it, I have come to love my neighbors and have a yearning to serve them. It has helped me to find myself. I wouldn't be who I am if I wasn't LDS.

I am a Mormon. 

I know it.

I live it.

I love it.

I Know.

I have found that I often feel like I take advantage of everything this gospel has given me. It truly has given me a new way to living and I love that! I know without a doubt that I would not be here, as the person I am today had I not known all that this gospel has taught me and continues to teach me. I know that I have a lot more to learn, but I am happy knowing what I know.
Because of this gospel, I can know that I am going to see my father again. I can't wait for the day where I can once again feel my dad's arms around me and hold me tight. I can't wait to see him again. I know he has been watching over me and my sisters and I know he's a part of my life still. I will forever remember him.
I can know that my oldest sister Sandra, will be made perfect and won't have to live with autism forever. She has an incredible strength that God had asked of her and she willingly accepted. She is truly special and I love and care for her. She has taught me so much about loving and not being quick to judge. She has taught me to be patient and understanding. She means everything to me and I love her dearly.
I can know that I am a daughter of a king, a princess in His eyes and I am worth it, every minute of everyday. Every drop of blood Christ shed for me, was worth it. I am more than what I see in myself. I am more than what the world sees in me. I am what God has always and will always see in me. God sees in us more than we could ever see in ourselves, which is only one of the reasons why we need Him.
I know that He wants me to be happy and wants what is best for me. He asks so little of us in return for all He has done. Yet sometimes, I forget and I struggle remembering how little He really does asks of us.
He doesn't ask us to remember Him because He is selfish but because He knows if we remember Him, we will be closer to returning to Him, our Heavenly Father. When we are closer to the world than to God, it's hard to stay on the right path, but if we are closer to God than we are the world, it is that much easier to walk away if something is not in line with God's plan.
I know that sometimes it seems like God asks a lot of us. Sometimes I want to be more of the world and feel more accepted from the world, but the world will never give us what I know God gives us. God fills you with joy and love and hope. The world will just fill you with bitterness, selfishness, emptiness and despair. When put like that, it makes me ask myself why I can't see the bigger picture. Why do I yearn for the feelings the world would give me when I know the feelings God will give me?
However, I know that God is also a merciful God. I know that He will always be there, stretching out
His hand, ready to pick me up when I have fallen. He will never leave me. He knows me. He is my light. He is my strength. And He is my God and I know without a doubt that He is there and I can always turn to Him.

The Fight Continues :)

As many of you saw me post things for National Eating Disorders Awareness Week, I wanted to share a little bit about my thoughts on this past week and this past year. Last year was my first time participating in NEDAW and it truly was a blast for me. I learned a lot about myself and about the people I surround myself with. I was nervous participating in it because I was still unsure about telling people my story with eating disorders. I started the week off with only telling my closest friends and family about the things I was doing as I participated. But by the 3rd day, I was starting to share what I was doing with people I hardly even knew. I loved seeing how supportive my friends were and how excited they were about joining in on NEDAW with me. I didn't have to face it alone. Just like I haven't had to face recovery alone. By the end of NEDAW last year, I finally shared my story on my blog for anyone and everyone to see. I was tired of it holding me back and I wanted to move forward with feeling ashamed of it (you can read my story here:http://dreadfulthoughtsofadistraughtteen.blogspot.com/2014/03/sharing-my-storyits-about-time-i-did.html).
It's been a year since then (obviously) and I can say a lot has changed for me. I still hesitate about talking about what I have gone through because of my ED, but it has taught me a lot and I feel like it has brought me closer to God in ways I never thought possible. This past week was great and I loved seeing once again, people fight for a cause, one that is so important to me. I felt like this year, they focused NEDAW around raising awareness and also remembering yourself.
This week I've reflected on the past year. Recovery isn't perfect. I still have a long way to go, but I've come to learn that I am worth the fight. I deserve to fight. I have a reason to fight.
The one thing I never understood about eating disorders before I dealt with one, was the emotional side. Society teaches us that we need to be a certain way, and that really does take a toll on people after a while. Emotionally and mentally, I still have a really, really long way to go. This past year, I've realized how much my ED changed my mentality. If I hear people talking behind me and I can't hear what they say, I automatically think they are talking about how bad I am or they're criticizing me. I hate getting dressed because I have a daily battle with how my body looks every time I try to get dressed to go somewhere. I don't like shopping for clothes either. There's a lot more too, but my point is, because of my ED, it's been a challenge to see what other's see.
And it doesn't just go away. You can tell me how much you think I'm worth all you want, but it's not going to just make me believe it. It's something I've realized takes time. A lot of time.
I lost a lot of what I thought I was worth and because of that I lost my faith in God for quite some time. I didn't think I mattered so why would a God pay attention to me. But over time, things started changing little by little. I found hope in myself and because of my knowledge of God, I've been able to recover little by little. I may still have a long way to go, but I know now without a doubt that God cares about me. He loves me and will continue to walk with me as I battle with this for the rest of my life. I feel like I've come a long way since just last year...and it blows my mind how far I've come from the very beginning of recovery. Life is all about learning and growing and that is exactly what my ED has done. I'm not proud of my decision back then, but I can't change what already has been done and it no longer is holding me back the way it used to.
I am a warrior because of it.

Pics from the week:

Spread Awareness Sunday: Let people know

Music Monday: What music inspires you?

Toolbox Tuesday: A recovery toolbox

We Saw What? Wednesaday: Advertisements that promote
bad body image 

Thankful Thursday: What are you thankful for about your body?

Fearlessly Authentic Friday (video): Be You!

Soulfie Saturday: Something for yourself

National Eating Disorders Awareness Week -Music Monday

Last year I participated in National Eating Disorders Awareness Week. It was such an amazing experience for me. I learned so much and found new ways to support those who have been dealing with eating disorders. Well it's that time of year again and I'm ready as ever to participate in it once again. Eating disorders always seem to go unnoticed and it's time we show the truth about them. They are more serious than what most people know. I have always known that they harm your bodies and can even cause death, but there is so much more to an eating disorder. 

This week is designed to help educate the world and give hope to those dealing with an eating disorder. Yesterday was all about raising awareness. I saw people post things on Instagram or FB. I even saw somebody who put little facts on sticky notes and placed them in places where lots of people would see them. 

Today is "Music Monday." Music can be such an inspiring tool for so many people. Lyrics can inspire, uplift, motivate and leave you feeling better than before. Music is a big part of my life. I can't live without music. I can express myself through music. I have been so grateful to find ways to express myself in different ways with music. I thank my Father in Heaven for the music in my life. Music truly is powerful. I can feel it whenever I play my flute, or the piano. I feel it singing and dancing and I feel it listening to music. Without music, I honestly don't know where I would be. I would feel so lost. Music has always been there when I needed it and seemed to say what I needed to hear. It has given me hope when I couldn't find it and I truly believe that I have always been directed to it by my God above. Music has touched me in ways I can't explain. 

Here's some songs that I love and that have spoken to me in so many different ways. Today share some music that inspires you or means something to you. 

You Are Loved - Josh Groban

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EBSwA8pMgrA

You're Not Alone - Meredith Andrews

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8FXLo3aCkuQ

Cry Out To Jesus -Third Day

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JmVxRl5bc4Y

He'll Carry You - Hilary Weeks

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HCVT88Dz_CM&feature=related

Beautiful Heartbreak - Hilary Weeks

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xyX-I-um5Kk&list=PLO_attxNX64HH-vdcsjpGb6RWGo98s_92

Human - Chrisina Perri

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2X43XF8247E

Firework - Katy Perry

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGJuMBdaqIw

Try - Colbie Caillat

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXoZLPSw8U8

Brave - Sara Bareilles

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QUQsqBqxoR4

What If I Told You - Jason Walker

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hjr-D2T-Rpo

All About That Bass - Meghan Trainor

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7PCkvCPvDXk

Shake It Off - Taylor Swift

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nfWlot6h_JM

Never Good Enough - Rachel Ferguson 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oN_Zifk9f_o

Sometimes Our Paths Change....

I have learned how we each truly have our own paths in life - filled with roundabouts, dead ends, right and left turns, curves, detours, forks in the road, speed bumps, etc.

My path recently took me to a fork in the road.  

I have sat at that crossroads, trying to decide which side I wanted to take for quite some time now. 

I could see the good that came from both sides and I also saw the cons. I asked for opinions from friends and family and even my Father above. However, I still felt stuck at that same place and couldn't seem to move. 

But I had to choose one. I couldn't just wait and not choose.

It has recently come to my attention that some of my needs have been ignored by myself while attending college. 

I love learning. But I have spread myself too thin trying to learn, keep up on my studies, work, maintain a social life that is close to non-existent as well as give my all to my God. 

I'm used to doing a lot at once. I did a lot of extra curricular activities in high school. However a lot of my circumstances have changed since high school. I no longer am doing what I love, but what I'm told I should do. It put my body and my mental state into a major shock.

For the past few weeks I have been trying to decide what I should do about my schooling. I had the thought of taking a break and at first it was just a thought which I brushed away quickly. At that point, I felt like I was just like everyone else. I mean, who doesn't doubt being in school at least once? However, it kept coming back over and over again and soon enough I was forced to think about it. 

As I tried to figure out the situation on my own I got worried about the choice I felt I should make. I didn't want people to judge me and think badly of my choice. I didn't want to feel like I wasn't supported. So I scared myself into to thinking that I should just do what was expected of me but I felt uneasy and really upset with my choice.

Finally I turned to friends and family and although at first it seemed like my family wanted me to just do as I was expected, I learned they would support me, whatever decision I made. 

I've thought long and hard about each path I could take. I've had lots of sleepless nights thinking about it. I've prayed a lot, gotten priesthood blessings, read conference talks. I've done a lot. But I couldn't make the step on the path I knew I should take.

I kept coming back to one thought.

I would be a failure if I chose time away from school for a while. 

After endless weeks of wondering what to do, I have finally come to a conclusion that I feel satisfies me and the Lord right now. I'm ready to take my new path and I feel good about it. I know it will bring me back to school, but as of right now I need time for myself to grow without the stress college has brought into my life. I am not taking the easy way out. Actually, in some ways I feel like it's the harder way, but I feel like it's the right one.
I know that my Father in Heaven wants me to be happy and right now I don't feel that in school because I have lost myself. I want to have more time for Him as well as myself so I can come to know myself some more. I love my God and I know of His love for me. 

This path is going to hard because I know it will come with a lot of judgement and it's going to be a longer one for me in order to finish school, but after weeks of trying to make a decision, I've finally come to one that brings me peace and comfort.
I don't intend to take this time just to be lazy or anything like that. With God by my side, I know He will lead me to do great things. I don't know what they may be yet, but I trust Him.

So here goes the first step of my new path. It's an unexpected journey, but with the support of my family, friends and God, I know I can get through it.