Letting it out.

This week has been pretty hard on me. Don't get me wrong, Christmas was great...but it's after that. Things just haven't been the best for me and it's been hard for me to handle each day. I struggle with wanting to even face the day. I fight with myself each night so that I don't lose it. I have already had two breakdowns this week, and nobody even knew about it and had I not just said it now, nobody would have known. I have held in so much anger with myself and with others that it really has been getting to me this week and it's been a struggle. A hard and horrible struggle. It's hard even writing this out because this has all just been in my head. I hate letting people know when I am hurt. I act like nothing gets to me but things do. I hate having people worry about me. I promise you, I will be okay. This is life. We have our ups and downs, and right now it's just a little suckish for me. All I need to do is let it out because holding it all in is making it all worse I have realized. So here it is..and just so you know, I'm not going to say every little thing. You are only going to hear the littlest bit detail of it all.
Lately I have been holding in a lot of anger towards my family. I think the biggest reason as to why is because of spending so much time with them over break. You have to understand, I'm not home a lot. I try to stay away from home as much as possible because if I stay too long I tend to distance myself anyways by locking myself in my bedroom. I can only handle being home for a certain amount of time before I need a break. Anyways, being home so much has really been hard on me and I am ready to break just because of that. Each family has their own problems, mine included. It's just come to the point that I can't really handle them anymore. We have all been stressed lately with certain things and it's kind of sucks being at home right now.
Another thing I've been having a hard time with and probably the biggest thing, is with myself. A few weeks ago I had somebody tell me that I needed to tell myself that I loved myself. I couldn't even bring myself to do it. I still haven't. I've attempted it. Many times. But I can't say it. I just end up in tears each time. It sucks. I have been so angry with myself this week. I feel like I haven't been myself at all this week and I've been kind of a brat (that's the nice way of putting it). I keep feeling like I am disappointing everyone I care about. I feel like I'm not good enough for anything or anyone, anymore. I'm angry at myself for not having enough self-discipline, for letting myself get to be so sick (I'm not as sick anymore but still), for being so angry at the stupidest things, for letting my grades be the way they have been this whole year, for not doing my best at everything, for just being me this year. I think I suck compared to how I acted last year. I feel like I am starting to become somebody I never wanted to become and I hate it. I hate myself for it and that's why I can't bring myself to say that I love myself...because I don't.
And then I think about how others could even care about me and why somebody would even give me the time of day. I don't deserve any of it. I can't love myself and it doesn't make sense that other people could love me. I have been so hard on myself this past month that's it's just horrible where my self-esteem is right now. I have seriously degraded myself...and it's all my fault. I would get hurt over the stupidest things...for example we were doing something in one of my classes this month. Everybody in the class had to do it, and when everyone would do it, the rest of the class would say how great they were. When it was my turn nobody said anything to me except my teacher and one girl. It hurt me a lot. I felt like everybody else in the class was better than me.
I have brought myself down so much, you would be amaze. And I promise you, you would have never even guessed it because I know how to keep it in control in front of a crowd. I have done it my whole life. There are only a few people (not even a handful of people) who actually can pick up on when I am really just lying to everybody. They see it in my eyes, in the way that I speak and apparently in the way I hold my body (I'm not telling you this to know when to pick up on it...because you probably won't ever notice). It's just what they have said to me, that they notice changes in me and for them it's a big change, other people don't notice it as much.
People think that if I'm quiet, it means something is wrong. That's not usually the case. Most of the time, if I'm quiet, really all I'm doing is thinking and analyzing things. Anyways....so yeah that's really the least of it all. I don't want to spill out my guts because that's pointless. I know there will be people who read this and will just think, what a drama queen. I'm not trying to be a drama queen, I really just had to let it out because as I've learned throughout the years, holding it in makes it worse. Believe me, I know that for a fact. I don't want to go down that road again. I also have learned that I can't do this all on my own. I'm the kind of person who likes to fix everything on my own. All my problems, all my family's problems, all my friend's problems. I want to fix them on my own. But I can't. I fail each time and it makes everything that much worse.
However, I don't want you to pity me. Please don't, because that would make it all worse. It will be okay. This is only temporary. It's my trial and even though it has been hurting me so much...I only hope it will strengthen me. I do want to thank my good friend, April. There are not words to say how much I needed to get out of the house today. Thank you so much for taking me to the mall with you today. It was lots of fun and I needed it. I have been so heartbroken being stuck at home, I was happy when you asked me to go with you. Thank you. It lifted my spirits so much today. I can't tell you how much it helped me. You were an answer to my prayer this week.
That's my little "downside of life" for the week. I'm sorry for writing it out and everything and maybe disappointing you for reading it, but I just needed to let it out. I hope you understand that. Thanks. Don't worry about me. I'll be better in a matter of no time. I promise.