I Know.

I have found that I often feel like I take advantage of everything this gospel has given me. It truly has given me a new way to living and I love that! I know without a doubt that I would not be here, as the person I am today had I not known all that this gospel has taught me and continues to teach me. I know that I have a lot more to learn, but I am happy knowing what I know.
Because of this gospel, I can know that I am going to see my father again. I can't wait for the day where I can once again feel my dad's arms around me and hold me tight. I can't wait to see him again. I know he has been watching over me and my sisters and I know he's a part of my life still. I will forever remember him.
I can know that my oldest sister Sandra, will be made perfect and won't have to live with autism forever. She has an incredible strength that God had asked of her and she willingly accepted. She is truly special and I love and care for her. She has taught me so much about loving and not being quick to judge. She has taught me to be patient and understanding. She means everything to me and I love her dearly.
I can know that I am a daughter of a king, a princess in His eyes and I am worth it, every minute of everyday. Every drop of blood Christ shed for me, was worth it. I am more than what I see in myself. I am more than what the world sees in me. I am what God has always and will always see in me. God sees in us more than we could ever see in ourselves, which is only one of the reasons why we need Him.
I know that He wants me to be happy and wants what is best for me. He asks so little of us in return for all He has done. Yet sometimes, I forget and I struggle remembering how little He really does asks of us.
He doesn't ask us to remember Him because He is selfish but because He knows if we remember Him, we will be closer to returning to Him, our Heavenly Father. When we are closer to the world than to God, it's hard to stay on the right path, but if we are closer to God than we are the world, it is that much easier to walk away if something is not in line with God's plan.
I know that sometimes it seems like God asks a lot of us. Sometimes I want to be more of the world and feel more accepted from the world, but the world will never give us what I know God gives us. God fills you with joy and love and hope. The world will just fill you with bitterness, selfishness, emptiness and despair. When put like that, it makes me ask myself why I can't see the bigger picture. Why do I yearn for the feelings the world would give me when I know the feelings God will give me?
However, I know that God is also a merciful God. I know that He will always be there, stretching out
His hand, ready to pick me up when I have fallen. He will never leave me. He knows me. He is my light. He is my strength. And He is my God and I know without a doubt that He is there and I can always turn to Him.

The Fight Continues :)

As many of you saw me post things for National Eating Disorders Awareness Week, I wanted to share a little bit about my thoughts on this past week and this past year. Last year was my first time participating in NEDAW and it truly was a blast for me. I learned a lot about myself and about the people I surround myself with. I was nervous participating in it because I was still unsure about telling people my story with eating disorders. I started the week off with only telling my closest friends and family about the things I was doing as I participated. But by the 3rd day, I was starting to share what I was doing with people I hardly even knew. I loved seeing how supportive my friends were and how excited they were about joining in on NEDAW with me. I didn't have to face it alone. Just like I haven't had to face recovery alone. By the end of NEDAW last year, I finally shared my story on my blog for anyone and everyone to see. I was tired of it holding me back and I wanted to move forward with feeling ashamed of it (you can read my story here:http://dreadfulthoughtsofadistraughtteen.blogspot.com/2014/03/sharing-my-storyits-about-time-i-did.html).
It's been a year since then (obviously) and I can say a lot has changed for me. I still hesitate about talking about what I have gone through because of my ED, but it has taught me a lot and I feel like it has brought me closer to God in ways I never thought possible. This past week was great and I loved seeing once again, people fight for a cause, one that is so important to me. I felt like this year, they focused NEDAW around raising awareness and also remembering yourself.
This week I've reflected on the past year. Recovery isn't perfect. I still have a long way to go, but I've come to learn that I am worth the fight. I deserve to fight. I have a reason to fight.
The one thing I never understood about eating disorders before I dealt with one, was the emotional side. Society teaches us that we need to be a certain way, and that really does take a toll on people after a while. Emotionally and mentally, I still have a really, really long way to go. This past year, I've realized how much my ED changed my mentality. If I hear people talking behind me and I can't hear what they say, I automatically think they are talking about how bad I am or they're criticizing me. I hate getting dressed because I have a daily battle with how my body looks every time I try to get dressed to go somewhere. I don't like shopping for clothes either. There's a lot more too, but my point is, because of my ED, it's been a challenge to see what other's see.
And it doesn't just go away. You can tell me how much you think I'm worth all you want, but it's not going to just make me believe it. It's something I've realized takes time. A lot of time.
I lost a lot of what I thought I was worth and because of that I lost my faith in God for quite some time. I didn't think I mattered so why would a God pay attention to me. But over time, things started changing little by little. I found hope in myself and because of my knowledge of God, I've been able to recover little by little. I may still have a long way to go, but I know now without a doubt that God cares about me. He loves me and will continue to walk with me as I battle with this for the rest of my life. I feel like I've come a long way since just last year...and it blows my mind how far I've come from the very beginning of recovery. Life is all about learning and growing and that is exactly what my ED has done. I'm not proud of my decision back then, but I can't change what already has been done and it no longer is holding me back the way it used to.
I am a warrior because of it.

Pics from the week:

Spread Awareness Sunday: Let people know

Music Monday: What music inspires you?

Toolbox Tuesday: A recovery toolbox

We Saw What? Wednesaday: Advertisements that promote
bad body image 

Thankful Thursday: What are you thankful for about your body?

Fearlessly Authentic Friday (video): Be You!

Soulfie Saturday: Something for yourself

National Eating Disorders Awareness Week -Music Monday

Last year I participated in National Eating Disorders Awareness Week. It was such an amazing experience for me. I learned so much and found new ways to support those who have been dealing with eating disorders. Well it's that time of year again and I'm ready as ever to participate in it once again. Eating disorders always seem to go unnoticed and it's time we show the truth about them. They are more serious than what most people know. I have always known that they harm your bodies and can even cause death, but there is so much more to an eating disorder. 

This week is designed to help educate the world and give hope to those dealing with an eating disorder. Yesterday was all about raising awareness. I saw people post things on Instagram or FB. I even saw somebody who put little facts on sticky notes and placed them in places where lots of people would see them. 

Today is "Music Monday." Music can be such an inspiring tool for so many people. Lyrics can inspire, uplift, motivate and leave you feeling better than before. Music is a big part of my life. I can't live without music. I can express myself through music. I have been so grateful to find ways to express myself in different ways with music. I thank my Father in Heaven for the music in my life. Music truly is powerful. I can feel it whenever I play my flute, or the piano. I feel it singing and dancing and I feel it listening to music. Without music, I honestly don't know where I would be. I would feel so lost. Music has always been there when I needed it and seemed to say what I needed to hear. It has given me hope when I couldn't find it and I truly believe that I have always been directed to it by my God above. Music has touched me in ways I can't explain. 

Here's some songs that I love and that have spoken to me in so many different ways. Today share some music that inspires you or means something to you. 

You Are Loved - Josh Groban

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EBSwA8pMgrA

You're Not Alone - Meredith Andrews

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8FXLo3aCkuQ

Cry Out To Jesus -Third Day

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JmVxRl5bc4Y

He'll Carry You - Hilary Weeks

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HCVT88Dz_CM&feature=related

Beautiful Heartbreak - Hilary Weeks

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xyX-I-um5Kk&list=PLO_attxNX64HH-vdcsjpGb6RWGo98s_92

Human - Chrisina Perri

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2X43XF8247E

Firework - Katy Perry

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGJuMBdaqIw

Try - Colbie Caillat

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXoZLPSw8U8

Brave - Sara Bareilles

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QUQsqBqxoR4

What If I Told You - Jason Walker

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hjr-D2T-Rpo

All About That Bass - Meghan Trainor

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7PCkvCPvDXk

Shake It Off - Taylor Swift

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nfWlot6h_JM

Never Good Enough - Rachel Ferguson 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oN_Zifk9f_o

Sometimes Our Paths Change....

I have learned how we each truly have our own paths in life - filled with roundabouts, dead ends, right and left turns, curves, detours, forks in the road, speed bumps, etc.

My path recently took me to a fork in the road.  

I have sat at that crossroads, trying to decide which side I wanted to take for quite some time now. 

I could see the good that came from both sides and I also saw the cons. I asked for opinions from friends and family and even my Father above. However, I still felt stuck at that same place and couldn't seem to move. 

But I had to choose one. I couldn't just wait and not choose.

It has recently come to my attention that some of my needs have been ignored by myself while attending college. 

I love learning. But I have spread myself too thin trying to learn, keep up on my studies, work, maintain a social life that is close to non-existent as well as give my all to my God. 

I'm used to doing a lot at once. I did a lot of extra curricular activities in high school. However a lot of my circumstances have changed since high school. I no longer am doing what I love, but what I'm told I should do. It put my body and my mental state into a major shock.

For the past few weeks I have been trying to decide what I should do about my schooling. I had the thought of taking a break and at first it was just a thought which I brushed away quickly. At that point, I felt like I was just like everyone else. I mean, who doesn't doubt being in school at least once? However, it kept coming back over and over again and soon enough I was forced to think about it. 

As I tried to figure out the situation on my own I got worried about the choice I felt I should make. I didn't want people to judge me and think badly of my choice. I didn't want to feel like I wasn't supported. So I scared myself into to thinking that I should just do what was expected of me but I felt uneasy and really upset with my choice.

Finally I turned to friends and family and although at first it seemed like my family wanted me to just do as I was expected, I learned they would support me, whatever decision I made. 

I've thought long and hard about each path I could take. I've had lots of sleepless nights thinking about it. I've prayed a lot, gotten priesthood blessings, read conference talks. I've done a lot. But I couldn't make the step on the path I knew I should take.

I kept coming back to one thought.

I would be a failure if I chose time away from school for a while. 

After endless weeks of wondering what to do, I have finally come to a conclusion that I feel satisfies me and the Lord right now. I'm ready to take my new path and I feel good about it. I know it will bring me back to school, but as of right now I need time for myself to grow without the stress college has brought into my life. I am not taking the easy way out. Actually, in some ways I feel like it's the harder way, but I feel like it's the right one.
I know that my Father in Heaven wants me to be happy and right now I don't feel that in school because I have lost myself. I want to have more time for Him as well as myself so I can come to know myself some more. I love my God and I know of His love for me. 

This path is going to hard because I know it will come with a lot of judgement and it's going to be a longer one for me in order to finish school, but after weeks of trying to make a decision, I've finally come to one that brings me peace and comfort.
I don't intend to take this time just to be lazy or anything like that. With God by my side, I know He will lead me to do great things. I don't know what they may be yet, but I trust Him.

So here goes the first step of my new path. It's an unexpected journey, but with the support of my family, friends and God, I know I can get through it. 

A Choice For Change

Well I'm done with my first semester at college. Hooray!
College has been my hell the past few months. Not because of having to go to class or having finals. It has nothing to do with the academics. It's been the worst experience of my life because I've never felt so alone. Not because I'm now living in an apartment, a little away from home. Not even because my roommates and I are hardly ever home at the same time. I get along with them fine and they are super sweet.
It's because I've truly learned what it's like to feel like you don't have a friend. All through high school I was surrounded by people I could call my friend. They were there for me when I needed them. They helped pick me up when I was down. They could tell when I was putting on a fake smile. They knew when I was holding something back. They understood me. They would just hold me and let me cry when I needed to. They laughed with me. They were there when I would come up with crazy ideas. They supported me in all my outside school activities. They danced with me. They watched movies with me. They did everything with me and for me. They always made me feel safe and I knew I could always count on them. Things of course weren't perfect. I got in fights with friends, said goodbye to some, we said things meant to hurt each other, but I always had a group I could count on being there, even if it changed groups every now and then.
I'm not one who just opens up to anyone and spills my guts out. I let people in only so far and then I just shut down. I can't cope with feeling like I'm bothering somebody with my feelings of hurt, anxiety, loss, sadness, guilt, shame, failure, etc. I try to be the one people feel like they can always come to and just vent about anything. I like being supportive and being the strong one. But I'm not...not always. And I get upset with myself when I can't hold it together. But who really can, 24/7? I just feel like I need to, in case somebody needs me to be strong for them. So I wait until it's late at night and everyone has gone to sleep and it's been weeks of trying to hold it together, and I break.
I think in high school it was easier because I had friends I saw every day to help keep my spirits lifted.
But in college.
I don't have that. I hardly see any of my friends and so I often cry myself to sleep asking God to take away my feelings of worthlessness and being alone. I always wanted to reach out and ask a friend for help but with college, I know how crazy life can be and I didn't want to be a bother or an inconvenience. I wanted the times I did get to share with my friends to be happy times and I wanted them to think I had everything under control.
But I haven't.
I don't even know where I want to go right now in life. I know where I want to end up but I keep feeling like the time isn't now for that. Which is hard for me to accept because I try to be a hard worker and finish things I start as fast as I can.
But it's tiring, feeling like a failure all the time or feeling like I'm not enough. I'm tired of not doing things I love doing. I feel like my life has become so unfocused of what matters most to me. I don't spend time with friends. I don't spend time with my family as much as I should. I don't spend time doing service to my fellow neighbors. I don't spend time for myself.
So I'm hoping with the new year, I can change that. I don't want to make resolutions about losing weight or exercising more or studying more or always giving more. Yes, those are great resolutions but my new year's resolution is to be me again.
I miss Alissa.
I miss knowing where I was wanting to go. I miss living in the present. I miss being with the people I care about. I miss doing the things I love. I miss being me.
This means I'm about to change a lot by just one little decision. But I understand now, it's what I need to do right now to better myself.
Here's to choosing to change my life and refocusing it on what really is important.

What's the big deal with numbers?

Technology has become such a big part of our lives. We use it every day. But sometimes you have to step back and say, "Enough is enough!" 

In our society it's become an addiction. And when taken to the extreme, it does not help us. In fact, it does the complete opposite. 

What ever made us believe that having the most likes or most followers or most friends made us better? It doesn't. It's just a stupid number that is meaningless. It doesn't show you how kind you are, how caring you are or how understanding you are. It is in no way an indicator of how beautiful/handsome you are. It's just a number. 

But we put so much emphasis on the numbers. We feel like nobody if we only have 100 friends on Facebook. But who really even has 500 friends in real life? Argue if you must, but in all reality. Do you honestly have over 500 friends you are close with? Not aquaintences. Not family. But actual friends. 

Why are we so obsessed with a number that is so meaningless? Why do we care that so-and-so got more likes on their selfie than yours got? Why do we let the numbers rule over us? 

I can't stress it enough...THEY MEAN NOTHING! 

They aren't what matter most in life. They have started to destroy us! We are the creators of it, so we are the alpha! Not the other way around! So why do we let them control us? Why do you let it control you? 

I let it control me. I was consumed by the numbers. It fed into my eating disorder even more. I would see friends have so many friends/followers and mine was "beginner status." I'd see their photos with so many likes and beat myself up about my photos! Do you know how messed up that is?! More likes doesn't mean you're prettier! Who the heck came up with that? Who decided that numbers held more value of determining how great a person is? I tried getting more "numbers" by joining more social networks or by trying out some things lots of people like. You know what I found out? I don't like what a lot of people like. I don't like the Twilight series. I'm not a huge fan of Harry Potter. I don't care for superheroes. I hate the Beetles. I think comic con is a joke. I detest rap. I don't really care about football...or most sports. I don't even care much for "college fun." I I can't do scary movies. I'm not a huge fan of art galleries. I don't like "LOL" or things like that. I'm really not that into mountains (I know...I'm surrounded by them). Vines are alright. 

Do you get it? I don't like a lot of the things most people my age right now are raving about. So I'd beat myself up for being different and not being like everyone else. All because of a stupid number!!! Now that is messed up. Trying to change who I am for more numbers. Pathetic. 

But I still care about the numbers! It's been engraved into my head for some stupid reason. Every "like" I get feeds into it. 

Is it bad? 

Yeah, it really can be. 

But if you stop looking at how many numbers you get and instead start looking at who is interested in it, maybe it can change your perception. It means so much more when somebody I personally know and care about likes something than if some random stranger likes it. Now you shouldn't change who you are so the closest people around you like you more. Just be yourself! Be who you are offline when you are online! It's much better that way. 

It may not mean more numbers but you'll be more real than those numbers could ever show you. 

"God, I just don't understand. Please help me understand..."

Some days you feel worthless.

Yesterday I was struggling with feeling like I wasn't good enough to be at BYU. A lot of people think that in order to go to BYU, you have to be a smart, well-rounded student. Well I haven't felt like I am smart enough to be at BYU since before I even arrived at BYU.
I did not chose BYU from the start. It's actually not where I wanted to go in the first place. However, I felt like it was where I needed to go right now. I've been trying to understand why and I have come up with multiple reasons, but there is still a lot of questions as to why BYU was right for me.
I got a scholarship here. So financially, it makes sense. I'm multi-cultural, so admittance into BYU makes sense. I was involved in a lot of different clubs in high school, so I have that background. I'm LDS. I've overcome a hardship that changed me (application essay). I live close, so it seems like a logical choice for me.
But why me? Why is BYU a place where I am supposed to be right now?
Yesterday I had a really rough day at school. I had to take two tests and one I was not prepared for. I failed my first test at college (and as a freshman...failing scares you half to death) and then the other one I struggled with the outcome of the test. I had studied for this other test. The first time I took a test for this class was when I accidentally took it without studying and ended up doing surprisingly well on it. So I figured with studying I would do even better...makes sense right? However, that wasn't the case. In fact I barely even passed the test.
I was so angry. At myself. At God. At the school. At everything.
Why was I here when I was just barely passing classes? Am I really "smart" enough to be at this school? Did I really make the right choice coming here? Why did I do worse when I studied? I should have done better! That's what they tell you...so why was I the exception? This happened when I took the ACT too! I didn't study, took the test and did better than when I did study and then I did the best when I didn't study or even have a math class for about a year!
So what is wrong with me? Am I not capable of learning like other people?

Why am I at BYU?

I pleaded with God to know why. I cried and I cried. I apologized for being angry with Him but I really didn't understand the purpose of being at BYU and that's all I wanted to know. I just wanted some answers I've been asking since the day I clicked that "I plan to attend" button. Why did I feel like this was where I needed to be right now, instead of being where I wanted to be?
I had no close friends coming into BYU. I still don't have any. They're phasing out my major so I might not even be able to finish it at BYU. I don't do well without having somebody I'm close with around. I'm barely getting through my classes. I sit alone every day in classes. I feel so small on campus. I don't get any attention (sounds selfish...but you want to be noticed every now and then). I sit at home while my roommates go out with friends. I've started feeling like it's not even worth it to look nice if nobody would notice me anyways. I started dealing with my eating disorder again since the day I arrived. Feelings of being unloved, unwanted, stupid, ugly, not social, unfriendly, unapproachable, worthless kept coming to me...every day getting worse.

What made all of this worth it?

Had I known this was how I would feel at BYU, would I have chosen coming here?

Honestly, I don't know.

But I do know this is where I'm supposed to be. I keep forgetting the things I have already learned as to why BYU was the right choice for me. I can't imagine how things would have been, had I chosen my dream school instead of the school I thought I was never going to go to. BYU let me keep my job, one that I love...even when it gets redundant. I still have my family close for when I am in need of people who will understand me and people I can be myself around. I was able to spend more time with the guy I love than I would have, had I chosen somewhere else. I still have my high school nearby...which is actually good because I loved high school and miss it more than anyone out there haha. I got to see my grandparents when they came to visit because I was still in the area. I got to keep my home ward so close to me which has been beneficial for some exciting things that I am now starting on.

BYU has given me so much more than any other school could have offered me right now. I didn't want to admit it, but I needed BYU more than BYU needed me. They could have continued on with life had I chosen to decline them.

But could I?
Probably...but I wouldn't be better off.

So even though I don't fully understand why I'm here, I know it's where I should be. And knowing that makes all the difference. God doesn't want me to fail. He is only doing what He knows is best for me. I don't see things the way He does and sometimes I forget that. People have made it possible for me to be here, so I should take advantage of that. I should make the most of what I was given and strive to do my best.

Then, and only then, is when I'll start to more fully understand God's plan for me here at BYU.