Time for a little rant

We'll I'm going to tell you right now...this is going to be a ranting post.

A lot of things have been bothering me lately but I didn't want to say anything cuz I figured it wasn't a big deal and people would just think I'm super dramatic. Well maybe I am being dramatic about this and blowing it out of proportion but oh well.

I am really getting tired of people acting like they are my friends when really I know they aren't. I'm not as stupid as people may think. I know a lot more about people than I let people believe. I hear a lot of things and let's just say that when you talk bad about people or you lie to them, it will eventually get back to them. Sometimes I don't have to be told of the things people say behind my back...I have actually accidentally heard some of it. I'm sick of hearing people think I'm some slut or some fake. 

Yes. I flirt. Is that a crime?! 

No. It's human. 

Just because I flirt doesn't mean I'm a slut.

Now about being a fake...I feel like I'm pretty real when I talk with people. I'm the same at home as I am at school...crazy, sometimes a bit blonde, sometimes I get angry at people or get frustrated at stupid things. That's who I am. Yes, there is a side of me that I keep hidden from everyone but that's because it's my personal struggles. I'm not going to load everyone with all the trials I deal with, that's just unfair to all of you. So I deal with that myself. Does that really make me fake? I don't think it does. Everyone does that. If it makes me fake then it would make you a fake. And I don't think you like being called fake...do you? Then stop calling others fake when you know nothing.

One thing that really has been bothering me is the fact that people are pretending to be my friend so they can get something from me. I'm sorry but my biggest pet peeve is people using other people for their own personal gain. I am not some stepping stone to the next best thing. I have feelings and if you want something from me just tell me. Don't just pretend to be my friend for it. I'll be blunt with you. Try to use me for something and I'll try and make sure you don't get it.

I was once used by somebody a few years ago as an ego boost. I have never felt so broken when I found out that they didn't actually care about me the way they had led me to believe. Then they apologized and told me they had changed and I fell for it again. The last time they tried to come to apologize I had had enough and finally had learned my lesson. I learned a lot from them and now I can catch when people just want something from me. And I may not act like I know...but boy do I know. 

So in short...don't use me or anyone else for that matter. It hurts and it's wrong and some day karma will bite you in the butt.

Well I guess that's enough ranting. Sorry for all the negativity in this post...I just had to get it out.

Good Things Come To Those Who Wait

So I feel like the past couple of posts have sort of been downers so I want to focus the majority of it (hopefully all of it) on good things!

Life is never perfect. Things happen all the time and we go through little bumps in our lives, but that doesn't mean we don't have things to be happy for! My life has been crazy and I'm sure you all know how that goes. But I have had some great things happen because of all the crazy things in my life. I want to start out though thanking the cast and crew of Mountain View's show Of Mice and Men. You guys did a great job! I want to explain why this show impacted me so much. I've talked to a few of you about this. As a lot of you guys know my oldest sister has autism. I love my sister Sandra to death...but you do have to give rules. She doesn't understand that you can't always have what you want. There are days when she'll come home and just want to eat and eat and eat, but we can't let her do that for obvious reasons. Some days we have to fight with her to get her to stop eating and she will fight back because she doesn't understand the consequences. It wasn't always about food though. And sometimes she'll fight back so much that it did get physical. She's hit me, sat on my head, bitten my sister etc. But it's because she doesn't understand. Just like Lennie, she doesn't understand things the way you and I do and sometimes she reacts in a way that only she can react in. Duncan did a fantastic job on his portrayal of Lennie and Collin did an amazing job being George. I see myself as George. With a struggle of how far you take it. I loved how Criman decided to make it so the play wasn't about the gun shot. There was so much more to it. Thank you for the amazing play you guys put on. I hope you remember the lessons it taught you.
My favorite part was seeing Lennie transform into a perfect being after he died. I can't wait for the day when I see Sandra in her perfect being. I love her more than anything in the world for who she is. She has taught me more than anything or anyone. She may not be like you and me but she is beautiful in her own way. She is a daughter of God. Her heart is pure and I know she's being watched over. She is so much closer to God than I am and I envy her relationship with Him. She loves making people feel loved and I love that about her. Sandra, I know you aren't going to read this but I love you and I will always love you.

So this week has been a huge blessing for me. A lot of you know how I am going to be going on a choir tour soon. Well I'm paying for this trip all on my own...which has been sort of insane and crazy. Anyways, this week I was stressing out that I wouldn't get enough money from work because I was only scheduled to work for 11 hours. Well that changed pretty quickly because a couple of the girls from work needed people to cover their shifts. I ended up working all week except Friday and not only that, Monday night at work I had a party that I hosted and they ended up giving me a very large tip. I have never felt so blessed! It was the craziest week at work but I got through it and I'm thankful that I was able to get in more hours. I want to say a quick thank you to my amazing coworkers. Because of them I was able to make it through each night :) Thanks guys!

School has been super stressful. I am struggling in a couple of classes but I am getting through it and I'm hoping that it will all work out! I want to say sorry to my teachers because I know I've been a pain to work with these past couple of weeks. I especially want to say sorry to Andrus...I feel bad that I haven't been giving it my all this term and I'm working on changing that. Anyways, I still love my classes and I believe they have me on the right path on where I want to go.

I think that's a pretty good transition to college...don't ya think? Alright. I'm super excited to talk about this! So I was blessed to be accepted into 4 schools. I was accepted into SUU, USU, BYUI and BYU. My top two schools have always been USU and BYU when I applied for different colleges. It has been crazy this week as I have tried to figure out which school I want to go to more. I have felt like BYU was what everyone expected me to go to because I'm Mormon and it's the "Mormon school." If you know me well then you know I don't do things because it's expected of me.

At the beginning of the week I had no idea where I was going and so many people told me their opinions, it just made me even more confused and I kept having anxiety attacks because of it. Near the middle of the week, I thought I finally made a decision on where I wanted to go but it just was settling with me. I was happy with the school I chose but at the same time something didn't feel right. So once again, I didn't know where I was headed and I was stressing out because my deadline was coming up. I started stressing like crazy over which school I'd be going to because whichever one I chose, it would change the rest of my life. I believe choosing BYU or USU would both be good paths. I knew that either one would be a good choice. It wasn't a "bad" or "good" choice I was dealing with. It was a "better" and "best" choice. And that is why I was so stressed. I wanted to make sure I'd choose a school that was what was best for me. Not what other people expected me to choose or what people thought was what was best for me.

This is why I chose the school that I did. And I am sooooo excited about it!!! I really couldn't be happier and I have no regrets! Nobody knows which school I have chosen. My family doesn't know, my friends don't know...NOBODY KNOWS! Hahaha :)

Until now.

I am now going to let you all know and I'm super excited to finally let everyone know! I figured it out just yesterday and have been dying to let people know! It's a really scary thing going from high school to college. I have waited for this day for a really long time and now that it's finally here I am going crazy with all different kinds of emotions. But I now feel a little bit more at ease. This upcoming fall I will be attending Brigham Young University and I am so stoked!

I chose this school not because my sister goes there and not because I feel like it's the school my mom wants me to go to. I chose this school because I want to go there for myself. I know I can get a good education there and that is why I'm going. I know it's a place I can grow and I need that. I didn't expect to go to BYU. For a long time I didn't want to go to Brigham Young because my sister went there and I felt like my mom was pushing me into going there too. I hate feeling like other people control my life and I felt if I went there they would have won. But then I started thinking about it and thought I'd give it a shot. But I had my heart set on a college outside of Utah. However, once I started filling out my college applications I started finding other schools I wanted to go to more. As I was about to fill out my application to the school outside of Utah, I had a feeling that it wasn't the school for me so I didn't even apply. That's when I fell in love with the idea of going to USU. I was sooo happy when I was admitted and I wanted BYU not to accept me so that I didn't have to choose. But that wasn't the case. I struggled so many times between the two schools this week. I had my heart set on USU, but like I said something didn't feel right. But I am super happy with my decision with BYU. I can't wait to go there and I know it's what is best for me and I'm glad I chose it on my own...without feeling pressured into it.

So I guess that's the end of tonight's post :) So I'm signing off...awkwardly. Have a great week! Love you all!

Sharing My Story...it's about time I did

Alright. So as many of you know I've been supporting everyone who is trying to find help with an eating disorder this past week since it was National Eating Disorders Awareness Week. Well I don't know what you guys have thought about me and my affiliation with it so I thought it was about time to share my story. There are very few people who know about this outside my family because I don't talk about it. It's something I like to keep to myself.  This is going to be extremely hard for me but I feel like it's about time I talk about it. A lot of what I am going to say nobody knows about...not even my family. So here it goes...

I have dealt with an eating disorder for the past few years. I have always known what eating disorders do to your body. I went into my eating disorder fully aware of how it all worked...well I thought I was aware of it all. Turned out...I was completely wrong.

A few years ago I was dealing with a lot and didn't really know how to deal with it. I started having suicidal thoughts but I was too afraid to just end my life. I didn't want to just die because I felt like I would miss out on something and I wanted to see if life would turn out differently so I went to an eating disorder. I thought I would be able to control it so that if I ever ended up changing my mind about wanting to end my life I could easily go back to the life I had before. But eating disorders don't work like that. At first, I felt like I had control over my ED but as time went on I started realizing how little control I had over it.

I dealt with anorexia for some time. As the first year went on I started slipping into a different mind state. The way I viewed myself got really bad. I had known about all the physical stuff that comes with an eating disorder but I had very little knowledge of the metal and emotional sides of an eating disorder. They aren't easy to overcome. That's what held me back from wanting to get out of the trap I put myself in. When I heard people telling me that I looked good because I had lost some weight I thought I was doing the right thing and that I was in control of my ED. I was wrong though. I kept giving into my ED more and more and the compliments started to change. I still had people tell me that I looked good and everything but I was also starting to hear other comments along with it. I was told how tired I looked all the time and I easily brushed that off saying I didn't get enough sleep. Granted half the time I wasn't sleeping enough because I was staying up late finishing homework but I had plenty of times where I would catch up on sleep and still get the same comments. But there were other things that people talked about. I often lost balance. I was getting headaches all the time. I got lightheaded doing pretty much anything. I would get black outs so often I became used to it...and there were lots of other things, but I ignored it all. Physically, I didn't see a change. I would look at myself in the mirror as I got ready for the day and all I could see is the fat I still needed to get rid of. I hated looking in the mirror because I always found something else that needed fixing. Even though I hated mirrors, I became obsessed with them. I had to know what else was wrong with me. I had to know what I needed to fix and it just became a crazy obsession. Before I knew it, my life started to revolve around my ED but I didn't want anybody to know about it.

However, one day I was finally called out on it. I denied it at first but it got to the point where I started to see what people were talking about. At first I continued to be oblivious to it but finally I gave up on hiding it to myself and I admitted to the fact that I was dealing with anorexia. Slowly and hesitantly I started on my path to recovery. It didn't take long before I found myself dealing with my ED once again. I slipped back into how I had been treating my body for over a year. It just became like second nature to me. That's when I started to realize how little control I had over my ED. Whatever control I thought I had in the beginning, I no longer had. The rules had changed and my ED was the leader.

When I started my recovery, the only reason I decided to get help was because people were finding out about my ED and I wanted them to stop thinking about it. I figured the only way to do that was to please them and pretend everything was okay. So I tried to recover for other people. I didn't do it for myself and for that reason I failed the first time.

I shocked my body as I "recovered" and I would get sick from eating more than what my body was used to. Finally I figured it wasn't worth it anymore. I thought it would just be better to live with my ED than to recover from it. So I decided to try and hide the fact that I was still dealing with my ED and just pretend like I was still recovering from it. However, I had friends that saw through it and they wouldn't let me give up so easily. They watched me and supported me. Even though I wasn't ready to really recover, they understood that and they helped me in any way they could. So even though my body was having a hard time adjusting to bigger portions and I didn't want to keep fighting, I kept going because of them. The fact that they wanted me to fight so hard made me want to fight just for them.

It's been a couple of years now and I still can't say I'm perfect and have fully recovered. Eating disorders stay with you for a lifetime. It's hard to change that kind of mentality. It's something I am going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. It doesn't just change overnight. And there are times where I fall back and don't progress in my recovery, but I'm still fighting. It's a difficult challenge but it's not one I have had to face alone. I have a long way to go but I now have a reason to fight and I will. I want to live my life in a healthy way so that I can keep doing the things I love. Now I am fighting for me.

This week has helped me so much and I want to thank everyone who has been supporting me this week. A lot of my friends had no idea that I have dealt with an eating disorder but the fact that they were supporting me anyways was amazing! I can't thank them enough. So even though the week is over, eating disorders are still around. They will always be there and it's our job to spread the awareness. I'm grateful that I have been able to start to turn my life around and fight this disease.

Now, I didn't write this to get pity or to have people tell me that I shouldn't think of myself the way I do. I know that I shouldn't, but I do. However, I am healing and I have come a long way from where I was just a few months ago. I plan on living my life a little healthier from now on. I'm not writing this post for attention, it really is hard for me to say all of this to so many people at once. It scares me but I know it's going to help me recover and that is why I did it. For myself to heal. So, here I go. Onto the rest of my journey of recovery. Wish me luck! And if you are dealing with an eating disorder, I wish you the best of luck as well. I know how difficult they can be to overcome. Keep fighting...it's worth it.

Here's a recap from all the things I did this week!

"Mirrorless Monday"
Went the whole day without looking at myself in a mirror!

"Operation Beautiful Tuesday"
Attacked the bathroom at school with uplifting quotes

"Let it go Wednesday"
We wrote our insecurities on balloons and let them go!

"Treat yourself Thursday"
Went to Jamba Juice with some friends and then my sister took me out for frozen yogurt later that night.

"Free yourself Friday"
I wrote a letter to myself of where I want to be by next year

"Selfies for Self-confidence Saturday"
Took some selfies of myself throughout the day

National Eating Disorder Awareness Week

So this week is National Eating Disorder Awareness Week. I am a huge supporter to those who are dealing with or who have dealt with an eating disorder. Eating disorders seem to always go unnoticed and it's a really big deal. They are dangerous. It's something that really needs attention and that's what this whole week is about. Each day this week is something that will help bring awareness to eating disorders. I invite you all to participate. I know the day is almost done but Sunday is all about spreading the awareness! There are many ways to do this...FB, Instagram, text, Twitter, blogs...anything really. And it doesn't take much. I've seen pictures all day just with little things about eating disorders posted on FB. One simple thing can lead to a big thing :)
If you are dealing with an eating disorder, I hope you find help. Don't be ashamed of it. You can live a happy and healthy life. If you know somebody dealing with an eating disorder, support them as they find help. They need a friend to count on them. Don't judge them...it's a difficult thing to deal with. I love you all and I hope you all know how special I think you all are!

What each day is for this week :D

I'm participating in a campaign to help with eating
disorder awareness and this is my photo for it.
"Recovery is...being able to look
in the mirror and smile at what I see."

Ready, Set, Go.

It's been quite a while because lately things have been crazy and I haven't really wanted to talk about things going on because it's been well...it's been crazy and I didn't want people to know what was really going on. Well I've decided I will let you all in on my life a little bit...just a glimpse from the past few months.

Photo from 12 Angry Jurors

So I finished up my last high school show this past January. I was Juror #8 in the senior show 12 Angry Jurors (based off of 12 Angry Men). It was a challenging role for me. Only a few people know about this, but I never felt like I was good enough for the role. Every day at rehearsals I would tell myself I couldn't do it, that somebody else would be so much better than I could ever do it. I'd not only go to rehearsals like that, but after rehearsals I would tear myself apart for not doing a good job. I struggled every day and I tried to hide it. I couldn't hide it from my director though. As we started getting close to when we would be performing my director talked to me privately. He told me he could see that I was struggling with the role and I was lacking confidence. I felt my eyes start to water as he told me exactly how I was feeling. But if I admitted to him that he was right I knew I would break down and the tears would come racing down my cheeks. So I silently just listened to him as he told me everything I already knew. He then switched gears and told me I was capable of doing this role and that is why he gave it to me. He understood it was out of my comfort zone but he let me know he was completely confident in me. I tried to put on the face that I would try harder and I would start believing in myself.
I didn't.
I tried though. I worked really hard. I just still didn't believe in myself. I just couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to just let go and believe I was able to do what everyone else kept telling me I could do. I think some people finally started to catch on and they would tell me they were proud of me or that I was doing a good job...you'd think I'd start believing them...but I didn't. I just felt like they could see through me and felt like they just wanted me to feel better about myself when really I was struggling. This is what I dealt with for a couple of months. It got really hard but nobody really understood how hard it got for me.
One day after rehearsals I was so exhausted and felt so inadequate that I just cried. I had no idea what I should do. I couldn't quit. I had to keep going, but I felt like if I continued I wouldn't make the show to the potential our director kept telling us we could reach. I felt like I was the one holding the show back. A couple of days before we opened, my director came to me once again and told me to let go of all the feelings I had and just play the part. He suggested I do something to help me find comfort...which I did.
Opening night came and my emotions were all over the place. I can't tell you if I ever did let go. I'm too afraid to say that I gave it my all because I still feel like I could have done so much more. I also feel like if I say that, people would think I still needed a lot of work and I really didn't do that great of a job. So I won't say it. I can't. It was hard enough looking my director in the eye and telling him I did my best as I shook his hand closing night. I almost broke down when I did it.
However, I got through the show and it was a great experience. Closing night was hard for me because it

Cast photo of 12 Angry Jurors

was going to be my last performance of my high school career. Not only that, but it was my last show with my friend Gabby Bersie. We have been performing together since 6th grade and have always supported each other in all the shows we've been in. That night, after our cast prayer as she and I hugged, tears just flowed from both of our eyes. Two friends, backstage embraced and just crying. Everyone around us tried to comfort us. We couldn't look at each other backstage without starting to cry. After the show was over, we held hands and proudly bowed together. That was one of the best moments of my life. I do want to thank you for helping me through all the shows we've done together Gabby. She's always pushed me and I'm sad that I couldn't be a part of this last show (Nunsense 2) with her. It's been great and we have so many memories from all the shows we've done together...some of the memories were creepy, some were great and some were really fun ones. I could never forget our shows!
Since I brought up Nunsense, I guess I'll talk about this next. This one is also really hard for me to talk about. I was originally in Nunsense. However things changed. This is my first time actually letting all of this one out. I've explained in very little detail to people what was going on and why I quit the show but I'll go more in depth with it now.
For a few months now I have been fighting against my body. A lot of people don't know this but I work my body to death. I push myself past my limits because it has always made me stronger. However, this time was different. This year, as I have been pushing my body it has been fighting back more than ever. I was in Jurors and then I was also in Nunsense at the same time. Not only that but I was also working. I would come home from rehearsals (or work) and be so exhausted but I would still have homework and I would fight against my body wanting sleep because my grades were suffering and I couldn't stand it.
At first, I was fine. I have always stayed up late working on homework when deadlines got close and then I just rest up after all the work is turned in. Well this time it got bad. I got sick. Now that normally isn't a bad thing for people but I hardly get sick and when I do get sick...it's really bad. I can't even remember the last time I was sick before this time. Well I got sick...extremely sick and this all started to happen close to when Jurors was going to open.
I still fought.
I knew my body was screaming at me to get some rest and take care of it but I was failing a class and I had other classes to make up, I couldn't miss school and I couldn't miss rehearsals. So I kept doing what I always did. Nobody realized how sick I really was. Let me tell you this, I'm pretty good at faking how I really feel and I was about ready to just give up because I was in so much pain and I couldn't handle it. But I kept pushing. Well it started to get to the point where I would get light-headed and I was unable to balance myself and I was constantly exhausted. Nobody really saw how bad it really was, they knew I was pretty sick but I was a lot sicker than people thought (it was so bad that I'm still dealing with all the effects even now).
Finally it got to a point where I had to get some rest and so I finally gave in and started to listen to everyone and to my body. Now, relating this back to Nunsense...during all of this I knew I needed to cut back on things so that I could be able to rest. So I quit Nunsense, that way I would be able to continue my senior show. It was a really hard decision for me. I have never quit any show I have ever been in. There have been shows where I felt like quitting, but I never did because I knew I would regret it and I would just push myself through it. But I knew I couldn't with this show. I knew deep down I no longer had the strength I did before and my body wouldn't allow me to do it. I needed that rest and I needed to get better. (Ugh. Now I'm tearing up all over again).
A lot of people know that I hate giving up. I absolutely hate it. I can't do it. Quitting Nunsense was also hard because I had also just given up on my AP Psych class. AP Psych was one of the first things I have given up on completely and when I dropped that class it killed me more than I let people know. So when I dropped Nunsense, it just made it worse. I felt like such a failure. Because of my body failing on me all the time I no longer could do Nunsense and I no longer had the strength to push myself through that class. I nearly died inside. I have never felt like such a failure in my life. I felt bad because my sister Carissa is in Nunsense and I have always tried to be an example of not giving up, even when times were hard. But I did and it killed me to have to give up on not only the cast and myself but to my sister of all people. I love her and I want her to know to keep going when life gets rough...but I have learned that sometimes you do need to listen to your body and sometimes it's stronger to give up on something that will only help you in the end than it is to push through it. Okay well I'm in tears now so it's probably best I change the subject. Haha.
Alright. Well I guess I'll talk about how I'm growing up. As many of you know, I'm graduating this year. It's crazy and I can't believe it's so close but I'm so excited and so nervous. I have waited for this for so long and it's super close now. It's a bit overwhelming as I try to figure out exactly what I plan to do with my future. As of right now, I want to major in Health Education. I don't know where I'm going for school yet but I'm figuring that out :) I have always loved health and as I was at SOAR and learning of all the different majors at BYU I came across Health Education. I looked at all the courses I would need to take for that major and each class made me so excited that I felt like it was right for me. That is why I plan on going into Health Education (or public health depending on where I go). I just thought I would throw that out there because a lot of people have asked me about it and why I want to do it.
Now that I've stopped the tears, I can start talking once again of a little bit more serious matters. So lately I've been thinking a lot about the past and the future, as well as trying to live in the moment. Well that tends to get a little crazy after a while. As I have thought about my past and how it has made me who I am today I've realized a lot about myself. I am grateful for all I have learned from the past. Just a couple of weeks ago I finally closed a chapter in my life. It was difficult but it had to be done. I'm grateful for the lessons learned from that experience and I will take it with me through the rest of my life. Also, all the memories made...I'll never forget them. I look back at all the things we did together so often and there are days when I would miss all the little things, but it was time for the both of us to move on. So we did.

A few of my friends that keep me going

That experience made me start to look at other things too. I don't want to say too much because I'm still working this all out in my head. In short I'm trying to figure out what other things need to be changed in my life to make things not only better for myself but for others. Whether that means saying goodbye or trying new things or just simply continuing with the flow of things. I don't know quite yet but I'll get there and I'm excited to see where things take me. I know I have a bright future ahead and I can't wait.
I'm now ready to let go and just live my life to the fullest. I have longed to be truly happy for a while and it's finally starting to happen again. I don't know exactly what changed it but I'm working on pinpointing whatever it is and I will work to keep it that way.
I know I have a lot to do in this life and I have so much to improve on but I'm willing to keep pushing through the rainy days. I know that one day there will be sunshine again. And even though things are cloudy now, it won't always be. I've learned to just dance through the rain and find things that make me enjoy it while I have it. So even though life isn't perfect, there are still good things around me that I can be grateful for. Little bits of sunlight poking through the clouds to let me know it's going to be okay. My body may be telling me to stop, but I still have passions that keep me happy. There have always been things that have made me happy, I just didn't notice until recently.

Time to be happy again

I want to thank my friends for all the support and love they have given me. I really am such a lucky girl to have the friends I have. I love them all and I don't know what I would do without them. Thank you sooo much! You guys are why I keep fighting. You guys keep me going :) And whenever you feel like life is horrible, know that I believe in you and I will fight with you! Learn to dance in the rain. It will make you stronger!
So now my journey continues. I will continue to fight the battles I am given. I'm ready to fight them. I'm ready to be happy again.
I'm ready.

Just a Few Things I'm Thankful For

Well it's that time of year again. Happy Thanksgiving to all of you. I have so many things to be thankful for. I know I won't get them all, but here are ten of the things I'm grateful for and they aren't in any particular order.

10. I'm thankful for doctors. Just earlier this week, I fell and I hurt my thumb really bad. I thought that it would be one of those things where it hurts for a little bit and then it would be fine. Well it hurt for the rest of the day and when I woke up the next morning it was still hurting and it was really swollen. I still didn't think too much about it. My mom took me to the doctor yesterday and well my thumb actually is fractured. Hahaha. So they put me in a splint (which is making it difficult  to type this). I have needed doctors a lot in my lifetime and I know I'll need them for the rest of my life. I'm so glad that they do what they do to help out such a clumsy girl like myself. All you doctors, nurses or anyone in the medical field...I thank you!!!

9. I'm so grateful for my school teachers! I seriously can't thank you all enough! You all have played a big part of who I am today. I still remember my kindergarten teacher and sitting on the rug, or feeding Mr. Goldie. I remember each one of my teachers because they all have impacted my life in some big way. I especially want to thank my old history teachers, Mr. Felix and Mr. Willey. You both changed my view of the world. I also want to thank my old french teachers Mr. Rocque and Ms. Peterson. You both are crazy french teachers but you put up with me haha so thanks! All of my English teachers, Mrs. Larson, Mr. Rich, Ms. Schlosser, Mrs. Sadleir-Holly and Mr. Andrus. You all have helped me so much!!! I want to thank Mr. Young who was my ballroom teacher for two years as well as my biology teacher my sophomore year. You were such a great teacher and taught me so much! Thank you and I miss you! My dance teacher and my ballroom coach, Mrs. Davis and Mrs. Baugh. You guy are amazing and I'm grateful for both of you. Thank you for always challenging me. Thank you Mrs. Robinson for everything! I loved your classes and I loved having you as my teacher for two years! Mr. Fong, I'd like to thank you as well. I haven't had you long, but thank you for always trying to help me out! You're great! There are lots of other school teachers that have meant a lot to me. Thank you to all of those educating people, you are making a difference!

8. These two have not only been my teacher, but they have also been my directors. I want to thank Mr. Criman and Mr. Oquendo. They have done so much for me and constantly challenge me. I have grown so much because of them! I have known Oquendo for about five years now and he has helped me learn so much. Because of him I've been able to learn a little about tech, have the opportunity of being a student assistant director and an assistant choreographer, been able to help out with different types of musicals and shows and many other things! He's not only a teacher or director, he's an amazing friend and has been like a father in my life! Criman has taught me soooo much as well. Because of him, I have been able to be a part of different types of productions. Through these productions, I have been taught a lot. I'm so excited to continue to learn as we work on our senior play. Thank you Criman and Oquendo. You both are spectacular!

7. I'm so grateful for seminary teachers!!! I can't tell you how much all my seminary teachers have meant to me. Each one of you hold a special place in my heart! I love each and every one of you. You guys have been there for me through everything! Sis. Watson, I remember how you took me out of class one day because I was having a really hard time dealing with the loss of a friend and you talked with me about it and made me feel better. Thank you so much! You are so great! Bro. Moore. Man, you are incredible! I can't thank you enough for all you have done. Whenever I'm in need of a blessing, you are always so willing and I can't tell you how much that means to me! Bro. Griffiths, your class changed my life. I can't thank you enough. I'm still really embarrassed the last time I saw you hahaha. Thank you for teaching me and for showing you truly do care. I hope you are loving your new job! Thank you! And to all my other seminary teachers, don't think I didn't get anything from you. I did. I promise! I have journals full of all that you have taught me. Thank you, all of you, for being such amazing teachers. I have loved all of your classes. :)

6. I can't tell you how much I am grateful for all of my young women leaders. You guys have all blessed my life. Being in young womens hasn't always been easy for me, but I knew because of my leaders that I was always loved and cared for. You guys taught me so much! I would not be the girl I am today if it weren't for all of you! I still remember both of the Tiffany's haha. You both were so great! I remember my old young women leaders before the ward split, you guys were so amazing and really changed my life. And the leaders I have now, you guys are incredible and I have such great bonds with each of you. I'm so glad I have leaders I can go to and just talk about anything and everything. I love you guys! I want to thank all of the young women leaders I have had in my life!

5. I'm so grateful for the Stott family! Ellie was one of my young women leaders as well, but I also have a special bond with her and her family. I can't tell you how much you guys mean to me! I miss you guys so much and I can't wait to see you guys! Ellie and Steve, you guys taught me a lot and your the kindness you shared with me, I can't thank you enough for that. I remember trying steak for the first time with you guys hahaha. Lily was a delight and I love that girl! She always made my day whenever I watched her. Sometimes, I'd go over to babysit and I didn't have the best day, but she always made me happy and turned my day around. Your family is amazing and I want to thank you for all you have taught me and for always being there for me!

4. I'm thankful for my family! I have the best sisters in the world and I love them all to death. We may fight, but I would do anything for them! They are amazing. My family has seen me at my worst and yet they still treat me the same. My family is forever and I couldn't have asked for a better one. They are the ones that have taught me the most. I wouldn't be who I am if I didn't have these guys as my family. I love you guys! Thanks for all of the adventures we've had. I know there are plenty more. I'm so grateful to spend this holiday with you all again! Thank you for everything!

3. All of my friends have taught me so much and really there aren't words to tell you how thankful I am for each of you! You guys have stuck with me through pretty much everything, even when I make mistakes. At times, I feel like I don't deserve such great and amazing friends like all of you! Shaina, you seriously have been there for me so much in the few years that I have known you. It all started with Children of Eden. Thank you for being so understanding and for always being there. Jeff, I can't thank you enough. We may see differently, but you are still an amazing friend. You were there for me through all my crazy boy drama at the end of last year and you are always so honest to me about my different situations. I've needed a friend like you! Dante, boy you are amazing! You always make me feel so great and you always care so much about me and about others. Thank you for always being there to listen. Sydney! Girl, I love ya! You have always been a big part of my life and I can't thank you enough for everything! Seriously! You've been through it all with me! Halle, my bestie! Girl I miss you! You are such an amazing friend. You are pretty much my twin girl! You have been there for me through a lot and I don't know what I'd do without ya girl! Thank you soooo much!!! Sariah, you are such a sweetheart. You are such a great friend. Even when you didn't agree with some boys, you were always still really supportive and still an amazing friend! You have stuck with me and I can't thank you enough! Mandy Butler, girl! Love ya to death! I have been so blessed to have a friend like you! You help me with pretty much everything!!! Thanks girl! Andrew, man seriously there aren't words to tell you how grateful I am for you! You are always there for me, always willing to listen. You have helped me with so much, including making flashcards for me. I owe you so much!!! Thank you for everything! I don't know what I'd do without you! Kyle Criman, you are a great guy and I want to thank you for always making sure I'm okay and always making me smile! You are incredible! There are soooo many more of you I could thank. I have been so blessed with having such amazing friends. Ones that stick by me through everything, ones that always make sure I'm okay. I love you all!!! Thank you for everything!!!

2. I'm so grateful for the gospel in my life. I honestly don't know where or who I'd be without me. It has taught me so much! With that I'm thankful for my father in heaven and my brother Jesus Christ. I have a testimony that they live. I know prayers are answered because I have had many of mine answered. I love this gospel. I'm grateful for all the opportunities it gives me and for all the blessings I have been given because of it! There honestly aren't words to say how much this gospel has changed my life.

1. This may sound odd, but I am so thankful for all my trials. Without them, I would be nothing. I've been through a lot, and I know I have more trials to come. I know the ones I am going through right now are for the best. They will help shape me into a better daughter of God. As weird as it sounds, I'm thankful for all the bad things I've dealt with. I know it's all for my benefit. I'm thankful that God trusts me enough to give me the trials he does. I'm glad that I have somebody who is cutting me back, all for my own benefit, even when I fight him. I love my Heavenly Father, and I love that I have been made stronger through all my hardships. I willing to embrace any trial he gives me, no matter how hard it gets...because I know He will be there and He has given me everything I need to get through it. Thank you, for giving me tribulations.

Happy Thanksgiving guys! I hope you all think of those people that have blessed your life. We should be living every day in Thanksgiving. You all are amazing and I know you all have made a  difference in somebody's life. Have an amazing Thanksgiving this year!
-Alissa Lopez

It's Time For My Story

There comes a time when you just have to stop holding everything in. This is that time. I'm sorry for those I may hurt in this. I'm not going to name you out, because I don't want your reputation to be ruined because of this. I just need to get this out, and I need people to understand and hear my side of the story.

I don't really know where to start. So much has happened these past couple of months. I have been torn to pieces in ways people didn't even realize. So, I'm sorry if you feel like I'm just being a complaining, dramatic teenager. That's not what I'm trying to do. I'm just trying to finally get my side of the story out in the open. I haven't been able to explain anything, because nobody will give me the chance to say what's really going on according to me. It's made me feel like my feelings, don't even matter. And you know what, maybe they don't to you, but they do to me. I'm tired of getting hurt and I'm ready to finally speak out. So this is my story.

I want to start with my family. I love my family but like all families, we aren't perfect. My older sister has been on a mission for my church for the past year and a half almost. She and I didn't get along when we were little but we started to get really close before she had left. She has always been the bridge between me and my mom since my mom and I don't get along that well. It has been the hardest thing not having her around this past year. I love her so much and she was the one that helped me through my sophomore year of high school. It was really hard to go through junior year without her around and part of my senior year as well. I have gone through so many things that I wish she could have helped me with. Not only that, but I wish she could have been there for me for all my shows last year and I wish she had seen my dance I had choreographed this year and the show I was in earlier this year. I can't wait for her to be home again. Only less than a week left and it seems too long still. I'm so happy that she will be able to see the show I'm currently in. I just can't wait for when we are able to just go for a drive and just talk. I have missed those drives more than anything.

Something else that has been happening within my family lately....as many of you all know, my mom remarried a few years back. Well we have had my step dad's mom living with us, which has been a challenge since she only speaks Spanish. Also a couple of months (I believe it's closer to a month) ago, my step dad's son (my step brother) came to Utah from Mississippi. Him and his wife and their son (who is under the age of 3) are living in our living room until they find a place to live. This has been really hard on me. People don't understand that I don't feel comfortable with my step dad's family. So I have been living in my room this whole time. When I get home, I go straight to my room and I hardly ever come out. Or I don't get home until about 8, 9 or even 10 at night...on purpose. I'm tired of living like this. Even though I'll be able to move out soon, my mom won't allow it until I graduate. I honestly don't think I'll be able to wait that long. It's been so hard just this past year that I don't feel like where I'm living is my home. I can't say that it is. For me, it's not my home and it never will be. My step dad, I'm but he's not my real dad and he could never replace him. I don't get along with my mom because we have different views on things. She won't see things the way I see them...so I've learned to just shut my mouth around her. I have no opinion around her now. My step dad is pretty much the same way. He and I see very differently and it gets bad. I don't even try to talk to him anymore because I'm afraid it will turn into a fight. So pretty much, I'm quiet around my house and I have felt like I can't even be myself when I'm at my house. Which is sad. People should feel comfortable where they are living, especially with their family. I don't.

So, what I'm trying to say here is that with all the crap going on with my step dad and my mom, it's gotten worse in many ways these past few months. I can't ever speak my mind. I can't say anything without getting into a fight. I'm always the cause of something. I'm the "rebel" child. I don't do enough for this family. I love my family, I do. I've spent almost 18 years with these people (well not my step family) and yes, we have good moments, but they are starting to become fewer and fewer. I miss things how they used to be. I wish I felt like I still belonged in my family. I feel like what I want to do or things I need, they are always pushed to the back. I'm always the last to get something. And it hurts. I know there are other people who have it worse than me. I'm not trying to seem like my problems are bigger than everyone else's...I'm just trying to let you all understand why I am the way I am in a way. 

That's enough about my family. I don't want to keep talking about the problems we have. Yes. We have issues. But I do love them. I would do anything for my sisters.

This is probably the more sensitive subject and what I originally wanted to talk about. 

I have recently learned of things that have really broken my heart. I never thought that things would be said about me from this particular person. Like I said, I won't name you out for the world to know who you are. But I will be talking about you, and you will know who you are. I'm just going to name her Jackie for everyone else (first name that came to my head). Jackie and I have been friends for a really long time. I've known her for years. We've had our little fights like most little kids would have. As we grew up the fights happened less often and weren't as childish fights. Well this year we got even closer than we have ever been...until she asked to much of me. You see, Jackie asked me to keep a secret from her ex about how she had kissed a guy while she was with her ex. I didn't tell him...even though I should have. She later asked to keep a secret from everyone. The guy who had kissed her while she was with that one ex, yeah he proposed to her. Both of them asked me not to tell anyone. ANYONE! I couldn't tell a soul. They were asking me to hide something I didn't even believe in. I didn't think she should marry him and honestly I don't believe in a girl getting engaged at the age of 17! I'm sorry if you disagree but that is wrong on so many levels to me (my opinion), especially when you can tell that the girl isn't mature enough for that kind of decision. Yes, that sounds rude but a mature girl wouldn't string about 5 different guys along until one of them finally pops the question. I'm sorry but that's not right...under ANY kind of conditions. Well anyways, later on Jackie and the guy who proposed to her finally asked me about my opinion, I told them how I felt. I told them how they had asked too much of me by having me lie to everyone about their relationship. I don't think they realized that EVERYONE always comes to me about finding out Jackie's relationship status because they can't keep up with it. Well I can't either. I told them that I knew too much about Jackie that he doesn't know and I was done with it. I told them I had other things to deal with than having to worry about their drama and relationship. I didn't agree with it so I wanted no part of it. After that, Jackie and I didn't talk. (Oh also, Jackie, I'm sorry but I broke my promise. I couldn't handle it. I told two people...and well now I've told everyone on here...but I just needed to explain my side of things. I hope you can forgive me for that)

Well it gets worse. Jackie and I are on a team together at our school. A dance team. In the dance I choreographed, she was in it. Well after a while, I was getting fed up because Jackie wouldn't come to my rehearsals and her attitude towards my dance seemed like she didn't want to be in it. So I talked to my coach about it and asked if I could switch her and my alternate. My coach told me I could and that she would do the same thing if she was me. Well after I talked to Jackie about the new switch she wouldn't talk to me even more. So we were as far apart as we could possibly be. Well that's all I knew about the story. I knew there had to be something else though because some of my other friends started to distance themselves from me. 

I finally figured out the rest of the story the other day. During the course of the time that we weren't speaking to each other, she was talking to other people about how I was going around calling her a slut, a bitch (sorry I'm just using the word she used) and all these other things that weren't true. I can promise you that I didn't say ANY of that. You want to know what I was saying? I was saying how I was done with your drama, that I didn't want to be a part of it anymore, that I was tired of getting angry at the things you were doing, and I was tired of you being a hypocrite. I never told anyone what you really were doing until it got to the point where I HAD to tell somebody and even then I only told my sister and one of my friends. Nobody else knew, and I can promise you that the two people I told wouldn't go around talking about you. It really hurt to find out that the person who I used to call one of my sisters, one of my closest friends, was the one going around telling people things I never said. Lying to people when I had no chance to defend myself. When my friend told me of the things you said, I felt so hurt because you had started to act like we could be friends again. But I don't see that happening. You have completely lost my trust. I'm sorry, but I have given you way to many chances and you have never changed. So this is the end.

Well okay this really is becoming long and yes, there is more to this story...but those were my main two things. They have been the things that have caused my life to go downhill in certain areas. I have been faking it like I have never before had to do. I have been called a slut, a cheater things I never wanted to be called and I don't get why but I was called those things. I have broken friendships because of it. I have lost a lot of trust in people these past few months because of the things that have happened. I have held back so many tears. I have wanted to break down so many times but I kept going and kept faking it because I didn't want people to think I was being weak. It got to the point though where I just couldn't handle it anymore. So yes, I did breakdown. I'm not looking for pity. I'm looking for understanding.

Teens can be really cruel sometimes. We don't understand that what we say can really damage somebody and change how they view themselves. I was shocked when I heard that people were calling me a slut. The first time I heard someone say I was a slut, I felt horrible. And then I kept hearing it. I heard someone say one time, "Really? Alissa's a slut? What?" ...right in front of me!!!! It never got easier the more I heard it. It only got harder. Harder to hear. Harder to bear. 

There are a lot of things that have been hurting me lately. I have felt so out of place in my own house. I don't feel talented in my drama or my ballroom classes. I feel out of place with about half of my friends. I just feel like a misfit. All the things I’ve been holding inside, it’s starting to kill me. I’m tired of feeling left out, ugly, fat, stupid. People probably will say, “Then just stop thinking you are those things.” It’s not that easy. I have been trying for a while now but it seems to just keep getting worse. More people seem to ignore me each new day. It’s getting hard for me to want to be at school. The thing I go where I can be myself (theatre), I feel like I don’t belong there anymore. Everything just seems to be falling apart. And I pretend that it’s not. I put on that fake smile. I act as if I’m okay, but in reality I’m wishing I didn’t have to live this hell I’m living. Once again, I'm not trying to be some dramatic teenager, but I just want my side to get out there. I don't share it a lot. In fact, I don't share ever. Not the full thing. This still isn't all of it, but it is a start. I just want people to understand why things have been the way they have been. Sometimes I think to myself that I should have learned how to stay silent. All of this could have been prevented if I had learned to keep quiet. Right? Well there's no going back now.

So where do I go from here. I move on. I stand up and say, "Yeah, I have a hard life, but I'm not the only one." I have things to look forward to. I have people I can actually rely on. And that's all I need. I know how to move forward. I know that things will get better. I know that even though I have lost friends, I have friends that will always be there for me. I have people who really do care about me. You can't break me. Only I can do that and I'm not going to do that today. I'm going to keep going, and I will embrace the fact that I'm not perfect and that I will make mistakes and that I will falter...because I'm human. I'm Alissa Lopez and that is my story.