Easter Traditions, Meanings and more

I love the Easter season! Not because of all the candy, easter egg hunts, and coloring eggs. Yes all of those things can be fun but Easter has always meant more to me. I'd like to think that it's because of the way my mom always treated Easter in our home. Ever since I can remember, we had this tradition in our home. The week before Easter we would have a special Family Home Evening lesson. My mom would pull out a carton of plastic eggs. In each one there was something that related to Christ's life. I remember the little nail inside one of the eggs and my mom had each of us prick our fingers so we could feel just the little pain it gave us. I always looked forward to the Easter lesson. We haven't done it the past few years as we have started growing up but I still think about it every year. It helped me to understand Easter better and have a better appreciation for Christ and all He did for me as well as having a bigger love for my Father in Heaven.

I love Easter traditions. My family doesn't have many but the ones we do have I enjoy. It's sad that now that all of us are growing up a lot of the traditions we did have are now gone. I remember when I was little, when we first moved here we had to look for our Easter baskets. We don't hide the baskets anymore but that's okay :) It was always fun and exciting :) We each have our own baskets (this one still stands today) and my mom coordinates our easter grass to match us best. I usually end up with yellow grass because yellow is my favorite color. One tradition I love is the easter egg hunt and even though we all are getting older we still have one every year. My oldest sister has autism and loves easter egg hunts, so we do them even today. One year my mom wasn't going to do it but my sisters and I decided to use our own candy and pitch in the little money we had and we ended up having the easter egg hunt that year. Not just for ourselves but for our older sister Sandra.

Even though we have all these fun traditions, we must not forget to remember Christ and the real meaning of Easter. I owe my life to Him.  He gave His life for me. Christ has always been there for me. He's my brother and I love him more than anything. I have had many blessing but out of all of them, one thing stands out the most from one of the blessings I received. I was having a really hard time and I was so lost. I was struggling with my faith and I felt like I had no where to go. It got so bad and everything felt so wrong. I finally decided to reach out to my Father in Heaven. So I went to my old seminary teacher and I asked for a blessing. In the blessing, he said that Christ had paid for all my sins. He atoned for all of them and died for me. And he would do it all over again and do it all for just me. I have never felt so close to Christ and my Father in Heaven.

I have made many mistakes. I've done things I'm not proud of and I look back and wonder how I ever got into the situations I was in. A few years ago, I was going to church just because that's what I had to do and I was going to seminary to look the part of a "good Mormon girl" but I started to question my faith and found myself not believing the same things that everyone else in my faith seemed to believe. Everyone had testimonies about prayer, family, service, the atonement, etc. However, I didn't have any testimony of it. I got to a point where I had nothing but then God lifted me up and gave me everything I needed. I didn't have everything the world thinks you need but I had what God knew I needed. Because of the atonement I was able to not only wash away my sins but to find peace with myself. I kept telling myself I had done so much damage that there was no way for me to come back to Christ. I now know that that was Satan's words in my head. He knew how strong I could be with the Lord on my side and he didn't want me on my Father's side. I had no idea how strong God could make me, but I have done so much thanks to Him.

I continue to make mistakes every now and then. I'm not perfect. I'm human and I fall every now and then. But because Christ has payed the price for me I can repent and be made whole again. I do all I can on my own and I know he will make up for the difference. I feel His love every day in my life. I give thanks to Him for all he has done.

I am so grateful Christ died for each of us so that we can be resurrected again. I can't express my joy that I will be able to see my earthly father again someday. I love him so much and I miss him. I know he walks with me and I do all I can to make him proud. My father always watches over me and I have felt him with me more than once. I still remember the feeling I had when I was baptized. I could feel him there with me and I know he will be there with me when I graduate and I know without a doubt he'll be at my wedding one day. He lives inside me and my sisters. He will always be a huge part of my life and I can't wait to see him again. I know it will be a glorious day when me and my sisters finally get to be with our father again. I can already imagine the joy my sisters and I will feel when we all get to run to him again and see him. Even though I haven't had the kind of father most people have had, I've been blessed to have an angel as my father. I can't wait to personally thank him for all he's done for me and I want him to know how much I know he's been there for me. I will never forget him. I could never forget him.

This Easter I have had so much to be grateful for and I can't express all of my gratitude in words to my Father in Heaven. I love Christ and I love my Heavenly Father. Thank you. It sounds so simple but I can't tell it to you enough. I know I'll always need you. Thank you for your patience and your love.

I hope you all have had an amazing Easter this year. Remember what Easter is all about and keep the spirit of Easter with you through this week and throughout the rest of the year. Happy Easter!

A Penny for my Thoughts

   Recently I've been doing a lot of thinking. As this past spring break went by it's got me thinking about how close it is to me graduating. I really can't believe how fast this year has gone by. Looking back, I realize that I have learned a lot about myself, about others and about just life in general.
I have lost some friends this year but have gained many others. I made a lot of mistakes this year but I have learned from them and I continue to learn from all of them. That's what life is all about right? Learning. I want to just say a few things from what I've learned this past year. Hopefully you will get something from what I have to say :)
   Now I'm already getting teary-eyed but this year I have learned just how strong I can be. It's been a really rough year for me and I can imagine each of you had your own struggles this year as well, but as I look back on this year...this one has definitely been my hardest year yet. I have been tested in ways I never thought I would be tested in. I have had to deal with failures like I've never had to before, heartbreaks like never before, promises broken, loneliness, fears, betrayals, broken friendships, my family, myself. By far the hardest thing for me this year has been myself. I look back at the beginning of the year and I can see how much stronger I have become. I have fought through everything that life has given me this past year and it makes me sad that anyone would have to go through all of that. It's kind of overwhelming looking back at it all and realizing just how much a little girl had to deal with in just one year. I never wish for anyone to have any of the feelings I had this year about myself. I started the year off really shaky. I was in a place in my life where I really was getting tired of life and I was never really happy. Then I fought with feeling like a failure because I could no longer do things the way I used to, making me have to quit things and I never felt good enough for anything or for anyone. Throughout the whole year, I have never really been happy to look at myself in the mirror and be comfortable with what I saw. I struggled with feeling like something was wrong with me.
   And then I felt alone. There have only been a few times when I have ever felt truly alone but the worst was earlier this year. There aren't even words to express how alone I felt. I struggled every day with feeling like I had to face all my problems by myself. I felt like I didn't have somebody to turn to who would understand me. I started missing how things used to be and I didn't know what to do anymore. I became worried that I would never feel like I was truly happy ever again. It seemed so far out of reach.
Well I don't know what happened but slowly I didn't feel as alone anymore. I want to say that it's because of all the amazing friends I have. I started to realize that they may not understand exactly how I feel but they would do anything to make sure I was okay and they would always be there for me. I can't tell you how grateful I am for the friends I have. They take time out of their day to make sure I am okay and I never feel like I deserve it.
   Just a few weeks ago I was struggling with some stuff and I just needed somebody to talk to. I had come to a realization about how I was feeling towards a few things about myself during one of my classes one day. As I went to my next class I had to tell somebody. I couldn't just hold it in because I needed to just let somebody understand what I just came to understand. I pulled aside my friend before class started and just told her how I felt. I didn't expect to cry but as the tears streamed down my cheeks I was thankful for her and her understanding.
   Not only did my friends help me so I didn't feel alone anymore, but I know my God helped me as well. I have seen many times this year when I am feeling even the tiniest bit alone, He comes and rescues me. I've seen it at work, at school, during a rehearsal, at seminary...anywhere. It will be so subtle but it hits me hard every time I realize it. It even happened just this past week at work through a little girl. God knows how to make me feel special. I know He knows me and I can always rely on Him. He has always been there for me, even if I didn't want Him to be and I can't express enough gratitude to Him.
   The past few months I have finally started to feel happy. It has felt so amazing to be truly happy. Yes, I still have bad days...we all do. But overall, these past few months I have been extremely happy. I fought through a big storm this year and I know I have many more to come but I know I can make it through it. My life still has its issues and it is far from perfect, but I've started to learn to just dance through the storm. So with whatever storm you are traveling through, I advise you to jump in the puddles, splash around and just dance through it all. It will be hard and you'll get tired of it, but eventually you will find happiness from it.
   I am very proud of myself for not giving up so easy. I've finally made it to the next step in my life. It's going to be a different step than the ones before but I can make it through it. I have been shown just how strong I am...even for a little girl. And the strength I now have, it's going to take me far.

Time for a little rant

We'll I'm going to tell you right now...this is going to be a ranting post.

A lot of things have been bothering me lately but I didn't want to say anything cuz I figured it wasn't a big deal and people would just think I'm super dramatic. Well maybe I am being dramatic about this and blowing it out of proportion but oh well.

I am really getting tired of people acting like they are my friends when really I know they aren't. I'm not as stupid as people may think. I know a lot more about people than I let people believe. I hear a lot of things and let's just say that when you talk bad about people or you lie to them, it will eventually get back to them. Sometimes I don't have to be told of the things people say behind my back...I have actually accidentally heard some of it. I'm sick of hearing people think I'm some slut or some fake. 

Yes. I flirt. Is that a crime?! 

No. It's human. 

Just because I flirt doesn't mean I'm a slut.

Now about being a fake...I feel like I'm pretty real when I talk with people. I'm the same at home as I am at school...crazy, sometimes a bit blonde, sometimes I get angry at people or get frustrated at stupid things. That's who I am. Yes, there is a side of me that I keep hidden from everyone but that's because it's my personal struggles. I'm not going to load everyone with all the trials I deal with, that's just unfair to all of you. So I deal with that myself. Does that really make me fake? I don't think it does. Everyone does that. If it makes me fake then it would make you a fake. And I don't think you like being called fake...do you? Then stop calling others fake when you know nothing.

One thing that really has been bothering me is the fact that people are pretending to be my friend so they can get something from me. I'm sorry but my biggest pet peeve is people using other people for their own personal gain. I am not some stepping stone to the next best thing. I have feelings and if you want something from me just tell me. Don't just pretend to be my friend for it. I'll be blunt with you. Try to use me for something and I'll try and make sure you don't get it.

I was once used by somebody a few years ago as an ego boost. I have never felt so broken when I found out that they didn't actually care about me the way they had led me to believe. Then they apologized and told me they had changed and I fell for it again. The last time they tried to come to apologize I had had enough and finally had learned my lesson. I learned a lot from them and now I can catch when people just want something from me. And I may not act like I know...but boy do I know. 

So in short...don't use me or anyone else for that matter. It hurts and it's wrong and some day karma will bite you in the butt.

Well I guess that's enough ranting. Sorry for all the negativity in this post...I just had to get it out.

Good Things Come To Those Who Wait

So I feel like the past couple of posts have sort of been downers so I want to focus the majority of it (hopefully all of it) on good things!

Life is never perfect. Things happen all the time and we go through little bumps in our lives, but that doesn't mean we don't have things to be happy for! My life has been crazy and I'm sure you all know how that goes. But I have had some great things happen because of all the crazy things in my life. I want to start out though thanking the cast and crew of Mountain View's show Of Mice and Men. You guys did a great job! I want to explain why this show impacted me so much. I've talked to a few of you about this. As a lot of you guys know my oldest sister has autism. I love my sister Sandra to death...but you do have to give rules. She doesn't understand that you can't always have what you want. There are days when she'll come home and just want to eat and eat and eat, but we can't let her do that for obvious reasons. Some days we have to fight with her to get her to stop eating and she will fight back because she doesn't understand the consequences. It wasn't always about food though. And sometimes she'll fight back so much that it did get physical. She's hit me, sat on my head, bitten my sister etc. But it's because she doesn't understand. Just like Lennie, she doesn't understand things the way you and I do and sometimes she reacts in a way that only she can react in. Duncan did a fantastic job on his portrayal of Lennie and Collin did an amazing job being George. I see myself as George. With a struggle of how far you take it. I loved how Criman decided to make it so the play wasn't about the gun shot. There was so much more to it. Thank you for the amazing play you guys put on. I hope you remember the lessons it taught you.
My favorite part was seeing Lennie transform into a perfect being after he died. I can't wait for the day when I see Sandra in her perfect being. I love her more than anything in the world for who she is. She has taught me more than anything or anyone. She may not be like you and me but she is beautiful in her own way. She is a daughter of God. Her heart is pure and I know she's being watched over. She is so much closer to God than I am and I envy her relationship with Him. She loves making people feel loved and I love that about her. Sandra, I know you aren't going to read this but I love you and I will always love you.

So this week has been a huge blessing for me. A lot of you know how I am going to be going on a choir tour soon. Well I'm paying for this trip all on my own...which has been sort of insane and crazy. Anyways, this week I was stressing out that I wouldn't get enough money from work because I was only scheduled to work for 11 hours. Well that changed pretty quickly because a couple of the girls from work needed people to cover their shifts. I ended up working all week except Friday and not only that, Monday night at work I had a party that I hosted and they ended up giving me a very large tip. I have never felt so blessed! It was the craziest week at work but I got through it and I'm thankful that I was able to get in more hours. I want to say a quick thank you to my amazing coworkers. Because of them I was able to make it through each night :) Thanks guys!

School has been super stressful. I am struggling in a couple of classes but I am getting through it and I'm hoping that it will all work out! I want to say sorry to my teachers because I know I've been a pain to work with these past couple of weeks. I especially want to say sorry to Andrus...I feel bad that I haven't been giving it my all this term and I'm working on changing that. Anyways, I still love my classes and I believe they have me on the right path on where I want to go.

I think that's a pretty good transition to college...don't ya think? Alright. I'm super excited to talk about this! So I was blessed to be accepted into 4 schools. I was accepted into SUU, USU, BYUI and BYU. My top two schools have always been USU and BYU when I applied for different colleges. It has been crazy this week as I have tried to figure out which school I want to go to more. I have felt like BYU was what everyone expected me to go to because I'm Mormon and it's the "Mormon school." If you know me well then you know I don't do things because it's expected of me.

At the beginning of the week I had no idea where I was going and so many people told me their opinions, it just made me even more confused and I kept having anxiety attacks because of it. Near the middle of the week, I thought I finally made a decision on where I wanted to go but it just was settling with me. I was happy with the school I chose but at the same time something didn't feel right. So once again, I didn't know where I was headed and I was stressing out because my deadline was coming up. I started stressing like crazy over which school I'd be going to because whichever one I chose, it would change the rest of my life. I believe choosing BYU or USU would both be good paths. I knew that either one would be a good choice. It wasn't a "bad" or "good" choice I was dealing with. It was a "better" and "best" choice. And that is why I was so stressed. I wanted to make sure I'd choose a school that was what was best for me. Not what other people expected me to choose or what people thought was what was best for me.

This is why I chose the school that I did. And I am sooooo excited about it!!! I really couldn't be happier and I have no regrets! Nobody knows which school I have chosen. My family doesn't know, my friends don't know...NOBODY KNOWS! Hahaha :)

Until now.

I am now going to let you all know and I'm super excited to finally let everyone know! I figured it out just yesterday and have been dying to let people know! It's a really scary thing going from high school to college. I have waited for this day for a really long time and now that it's finally here I am going crazy with all different kinds of emotions. But I now feel a little bit more at ease. This upcoming fall I will be attending Brigham Young University and I am so stoked!

I chose this school not because my sister goes there and not because I feel like it's the school my mom wants me to go to. I chose this school because I want to go there for myself. I know I can get a good education there and that is why I'm going. I know it's a place I can grow and I need that. I didn't expect to go to BYU. For a long time I didn't want to go to Brigham Young because my sister went there and I felt like my mom was pushing me into going there too. I hate feeling like other people control my life and I felt if I went there they would have won. But then I started thinking about it and thought I'd give it a shot. But I had my heart set on a college outside of Utah. However, once I started filling out my college applications I started finding other schools I wanted to go to more. As I was about to fill out my application to the school outside of Utah, I had a feeling that it wasn't the school for me so I didn't even apply. That's when I fell in love with the idea of going to USU. I was sooo happy when I was admitted and I wanted BYU not to accept me so that I didn't have to choose. But that wasn't the case. I struggled so many times between the two schools this week. I had my heart set on USU, but like I said something didn't feel right. But I am super happy with my decision with BYU. I can't wait to go there and I know it's what is best for me and I'm glad I chose it on my own...without feeling pressured into it.

So I guess that's the end of tonight's post :) So I'm signing off...awkwardly. Have a great week! Love you all!

Sharing My Story...it's about time I did

Alright. So as many of you know I've been supporting everyone who is trying to find help with an eating disorder this past week since it was National Eating Disorders Awareness Week. Well I don't know what you guys have thought about me and my affiliation with it so I thought it was about time to share my story. There are very few people who know about this outside my family because I don't talk about it. It's something I like to keep to myself.  This is going to be extremely hard for me but I feel like it's about time I talk about it. A lot of what I am going to say nobody knows about...not even my family. So here it goes...

I have dealt with an eating disorder for the past few years. I have always known what eating disorders do to your body. I went into my eating disorder fully aware of how it all worked...well I thought I was aware of it all. Turned out...I was completely wrong.

A few years ago I was dealing with a lot and didn't really know how to deal with it. I started having suicidal thoughts but I was too afraid to just end my life. I didn't want to just die because I felt like I would miss out on something and I wanted to see if life would turn out differently so I went to an eating disorder. I thought I would be able to control it so that if I ever ended up changing my mind about wanting to end my life I could easily go back to the life I had before. But eating disorders don't work like that. At first, I felt like I had control over my ED but as time went on I started realizing how little control I had over it.

I dealt with anorexia for some time. As the first year went on I started slipping into a different mind state. The way I viewed myself got really bad. I had known about all the physical stuff that comes with an eating disorder but I had very little knowledge of the metal and emotional sides of an eating disorder. They aren't easy to overcome. That's what held me back from wanting to get out of the trap I put myself in. When I heard people telling me that I looked good because I had lost some weight I thought I was doing the right thing and that I was in control of my ED. I was wrong though. I kept giving into my ED more and more and the compliments started to change. I still had people tell me that I looked good and everything but I was also starting to hear other comments along with it. I was told how tired I looked all the time and I easily brushed that off saying I didn't get enough sleep. Granted half the time I wasn't sleeping enough because I was staying up late finishing homework but I had plenty of times where I would catch up on sleep and still get the same comments. But there were other things that people talked about. I often lost balance. I was getting headaches all the time. I got lightheaded doing pretty much anything. I would get black outs so often I became used to it...and there were lots of other things, but I ignored it all. Physically, I didn't see a change. I would look at myself in the mirror as I got ready for the day and all I could see is the fat I still needed to get rid of. I hated looking in the mirror because I always found something else that needed fixing. Even though I hated mirrors, I became obsessed with them. I had to know what else was wrong with me. I had to know what I needed to fix and it just became a crazy obsession. Before I knew it, my life started to revolve around my ED but I didn't want anybody to know about it.

However, one day I was finally called out on it. I denied it at first but it got to the point where I started to see what people were talking about. At first I continued to be oblivious to it but finally I gave up on hiding it to myself and I admitted to the fact that I was dealing with anorexia. Slowly and hesitantly I started on my path to recovery. It didn't take long before I found myself dealing with my ED once again. I slipped back into how I had been treating my body for over a year. It just became like second nature to me. That's when I started to realize how little control I had over my ED. Whatever control I thought I had in the beginning, I no longer had. The rules had changed and my ED was the leader.

When I started my recovery, the only reason I decided to get help was because people were finding out about my ED and I wanted them to stop thinking about it. I figured the only way to do that was to please them and pretend everything was okay. So I tried to recover for other people. I didn't do it for myself and for that reason I failed the first time.

I shocked my body as I "recovered" and I would get sick from eating more than what my body was used to. Finally I figured it wasn't worth it anymore. I thought it would just be better to live with my ED than to recover from it. So I decided to try and hide the fact that I was still dealing with my ED and just pretend like I was still recovering from it. However, I had friends that saw through it and they wouldn't let me give up so easily. They watched me and supported me. Even though I wasn't ready to really recover, they understood that and they helped me in any way they could. So even though my body was having a hard time adjusting to bigger portions and I didn't want to keep fighting, I kept going because of them. The fact that they wanted me to fight so hard made me want to fight just for them.

It's been a couple of years now and I still can't say I'm perfect and have fully recovered. Eating disorders stay with you for a lifetime. It's hard to change that kind of mentality. It's something I am going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. It doesn't just change overnight. And there are times where I fall back and don't progress in my recovery, but I'm still fighting. It's a difficult challenge but it's not one I have had to face alone. I have a long way to go but I now have a reason to fight and I will. I want to live my life in a healthy way so that I can keep doing the things I love. Now I am fighting for me.

This week has helped me so much and I want to thank everyone who has been supporting me this week. A lot of my friends had no idea that I have dealt with an eating disorder but the fact that they were supporting me anyways was amazing! I can't thank them enough. So even though the week is over, eating disorders are still around. They will always be there and it's our job to spread the awareness. I'm grateful that I have been able to start to turn my life around and fight this disease.

Now, I didn't write this to get pity or to have people tell me that I shouldn't think of myself the way I do. I know that I shouldn't, but I do. However, I am healing and I have come a long way from where I was just a few months ago. I plan on living my life a little healthier from now on. I'm not writing this post for attention, it really is hard for me to say all of this to so many people at once. It scares me but I know it's going to help me recover and that is why I did it. For myself to heal. So, here I go. Onto the rest of my journey of recovery. Wish me luck! And if you are dealing with an eating disorder, I wish you the best of luck as well. I know how difficult they can be to overcome. Keep fighting...it's worth it.

Here's a recap from all the things I did this week!

"Mirrorless Monday"
Went the whole day without looking at myself in a mirror!

"Operation Beautiful Tuesday"
Attacked the bathroom at school with uplifting quotes

"Let it go Wednesday"
We wrote our insecurities on balloons and let them go!

"Treat yourself Thursday"
Went to Jamba Juice with some friends and then my sister took me out for frozen yogurt later that night.

"Free yourself Friday"
I wrote a letter to myself of where I want to be by next year

"Selfies for Self-confidence Saturday"
Took some selfies of myself throughout the day

National Eating Disorder Awareness Week

So this week is National Eating Disorder Awareness Week. I am a huge supporter to those who are dealing with or who have dealt with an eating disorder. Eating disorders seem to always go unnoticed and it's a really big deal. They are dangerous. It's something that really needs attention and that's what this whole week is about. Each day this week is something that will help bring awareness to eating disorders. I invite you all to participate. I know the day is almost done but Sunday is all about spreading the awareness! There are many ways to do this...FB, Instagram, text, Twitter, blogs...anything really. And it doesn't take much. I've seen pictures all day just with little things about eating disorders posted on FB. One simple thing can lead to a big thing :)
If you are dealing with an eating disorder, I hope you find help. Don't be ashamed of it. You can live a happy and healthy life. If you know somebody dealing with an eating disorder, support them as they find help. They need a friend to count on them. Don't judge them...it's a difficult thing to deal with. I love you all and I hope you all know how special I think you all are!

What each day is for this week :D

I'm participating in a campaign to help with eating
disorder awareness and this is my photo for it.
"Recovery is...being able to look
in the mirror and smile at what I see."

Ready, Set, Go.

It's been quite a while because lately things have been crazy and I haven't really wanted to talk about things going on because it's been well...it's been crazy and I didn't want people to know what was really going on. Well I've decided I will let you all in on my life a little bit...just a glimpse from the past few months.

Photo from 12 Angry Jurors

So I finished up my last high school show this past January. I was Juror #8 in the senior show 12 Angry Jurors (based off of 12 Angry Men). It was a challenging role for me. Only a few people know about this, but I never felt like I was good enough for the role. Every day at rehearsals I would tell myself I couldn't do it, that somebody else would be so much better than I could ever do it. I'd not only go to rehearsals like that, but after rehearsals I would tear myself apart for not doing a good job. I struggled every day and I tried to hide it. I couldn't hide it from my director though. As we started getting close to when we would be performing my director talked to me privately. He told me he could see that I was struggling with the role and I was lacking confidence. I felt my eyes start to water as he told me exactly how I was feeling. But if I admitted to him that he was right I knew I would break down and the tears would come racing down my cheeks. So I silently just listened to him as he told me everything I already knew. He then switched gears and told me I was capable of doing this role and that is why he gave it to me. He understood it was out of my comfort zone but he let me know he was completely confident in me. I tried to put on the face that I would try harder and I would start believing in myself.
I didn't.
I tried though. I worked really hard. I just still didn't believe in myself. I just couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to just let go and believe I was able to do what everyone else kept telling me I could do. I think some people finally started to catch on and they would tell me they were proud of me or that I was doing a good job...you'd think I'd start believing them...but I didn't. I just felt like they could see through me and felt like they just wanted me to feel better about myself when really I was struggling. This is what I dealt with for a couple of months. It got really hard but nobody really understood how hard it got for me.
One day after rehearsals I was so exhausted and felt so inadequate that I just cried. I had no idea what I should do. I couldn't quit. I had to keep going, but I felt like if I continued I wouldn't make the show to the potential our director kept telling us we could reach. I felt like I was the one holding the show back. A couple of days before we opened, my director came to me once again and told me to let go of all the feelings I had and just play the part. He suggested I do something to help me find comfort...which I did.
Opening night came and my emotions were all over the place. I can't tell you if I ever did let go. I'm too afraid to say that I gave it my all because I still feel like I could have done so much more. I also feel like if I say that, people would think I still needed a lot of work and I really didn't do that great of a job. So I won't say it. I can't. It was hard enough looking my director in the eye and telling him I did my best as I shook his hand closing night. I almost broke down when I did it.
However, I got through the show and it was a great experience. Closing night was hard for me because it

Cast photo of 12 Angry Jurors

was going to be my last performance of my high school career. Not only that, but it was my last show with my friend Gabby Bersie. We have been performing together since 6th grade and have always supported each other in all the shows we've been in. That night, after our cast prayer as she and I hugged, tears just flowed from both of our eyes. Two friends, backstage embraced and just crying. Everyone around us tried to comfort us. We couldn't look at each other backstage without starting to cry. After the show was over, we held hands and proudly bowed together. That was one of the best moments of my life. I do want to thank you for helping me through all the shows we've done together Gabby. She's always pushed me and I'm sad that I couldn't be a part of this last show (Nunsense 2) with her. It's been great and we have so many memories from all the shows we've done together...some of the memories were creepy, some were great and some were really fun ones. I could never forget our shows!
Since I brought up Nunsense, I guess I'll talk about this next. This one is also really hard for me to talk about. I was originally in Nunsense. However things changed. This is my first time actually letting all of this one out. I've explained in very little detail to people what was going on and why I quit the show but I'll go more in depth with it now.
For a few months now I have been fighting against my body. A lot of people don't know this but I work my body to death. I push myself past my limits because it has always made me stronger. However, this time was different. This year, as I have been pushing my body it has been fighting back more than ever. I was in Jurors and then I was also in Nunsense at the same time. Not only that but I was also working. I would come home from rehearsals (or work) and be so exhausted but I would still have homework and I would fight against my body wanting sleep because my grades were suffering and I couldn't stand it.
At first, I was fine. I have always stayed up late working on homework when deadlines got close and then I just rest up after all the work is turned in. Well this time it got bad. I got sick. Now that normally isn't a bad thing for people but I hardly get sick and when I do get sick...it's really bad. I can't even remember the last time I was sick before this time. Well I got sick...extremely sick and this all started to happen close to when Jurors was going to open.
I still fought.
I knew my body was screaming at me to get some rest and take care of it but I was failing a class and I had other classes to make up, I couldn't miss school and I couldn't miss rehearsals. So I kept doing what I always did. Nobody realized how sick I really was. Let me tell you this, I'm pretty good at faking how I really feel and I was about ready to just give up because I was in so much pain and I couldn't handle it. But I kept pushing. Well it started to get to the point where I would get light-headed and I was unable to balance myself and I was constantly exhausted. Nobody really saw how bad it really was, they knew I was pretty sick but I was a lot sicker than people thought (it was so bad that I'm still dealing with all the effects even now).
Finally it got to a point where I had to get some rest and so I finally gave in and started to listen to everyone and to my body. Now, relating this back to Nunsense...during all of this I knew I needed to cut back on things so that I could be able to rest. So I quit Nunsense, that way I would be able to continue my senior show. It was a really hard decision for me. I have never quit any show I have ever been in. There have been shows where I felt like quitting, but I never did because I knew I would regret it and I would just push myself through it. But I knew I couldn't with this show. I knew deep down I no longer had the strength I did before and my body wouldn't allow me to do it. I needed that rest and I needed to get better. (Ugh. Now I'm tearing up all over again).
A lot of people know that I hate giving up. I absolutely hate it. I can't do it. Quitting Nunsense was also hard because I had also just given up on my AP Psych class. AP Psych was one of the first things I have given up on completely and when I dropped that class it killed me more than I let people know. So when I dropped Nunsense, it just made it worse. I felt like such a failure. Because of my body failing on me all the time I no longer could do Nunsense and I no longer had the strength to push myself through that class. I nearly died inside. I have never felt like such a failure in my life. I felt bad because my sister Carissa is in Nunsense and I have always tried to be an example of not giving up, even when times were hard. But I did and it killed me to have to give up on not only the cast and myself but to my sister of all people. I love her and I want her to know to keep going when life gets rough...but I have learned that sometimes you do need to listen to your body and sometimes it's stronger to give up on something that will only help you in the end than it is to push through it. Okay well I'm in tears now so it's probably best I change the subject. Haha.
Alright. Well I guess I'll talk about how I'm growing up. As many of you know, I'm graduating this year. It's crazy and I can't believe it's so close but I'm so excited and so nervous. I have waited for this for so long and it's super close now. It's a bit overwhelming as I try to figure out exactly what I plan to do with my future. As of right now, I want to major in Health Education. I don't know where I'm going for school yet but I'm figuring that out :) I have always loved health and as I was at SOAR and learning of all the different majors at BYU I came across Health Education. I looked at all the courses I would need to take for that major and each class made me so excited that I felt like it was right for me. That is why I plan on going into Health Education (or public health depending on where I go). I just thought I would throw that out there because a lot of people have asked me about it and why I want to do it.
Now that I've stopped the tears, I can start talking once again of a little bit more serious matters. So lately I've been thinking a lot about the past and the future, as well as trying to live in the moment. Well that tends to get a little crazy after a while. As I have thought about my past and how it has made me who I am today I've realized a lot about myself. I am grateful for all I have learned from the past. Just a couple of weeks ago I finally closed a chapter in my life. It was difficult but it had to be done. I'm grateful for the lessons learned from that experience and I will take it with me through the rest of my life. Also, all the memories made...I'll never forget them. I look back at all the things we did together so often and there are days when I would miss all the little things, but it was time for the both of us to move on. So we did.

A few of my friends that keep me going

That experience made me start to look at other things too. I don't want to say too much because I'm still working this all out in my head. In short I'm trying to figure out what other things need to be changed in my life to make things not only better for myself but for others. Whether that means saying goodbye or trying new things or just simply continuing with the flow of things. I don't know quite yet but I'll get there and I'm excited to see where things take me. I know I have a bright future ahead and I can't wait.
I'm now ready to let go and just live my life to the fullest. I have longed to be truly happy for a while and it's finally starting to happen again. I don't know exactly what changed it but I'm working on pinpointing whatever it is and I will work to keep it that way.
I know I have a lot to do in this life and I have so much to improve on but I'm willing to keep pushing through the rainy days. I know that one day there will be sunshine again. And even though things are cloudy now, it won't always be. I've learned to just dance through the rain and find things that make me enjoy it while I have it. So even though life isn't perfect, there are still good things around me that I can be grateful for. Little bits of sunlight poking through the clouds to let me know it's going to be okay. My body may be telling me to stop, but I still have passions that keep me happy. There have always been things that have made me happy, I just didn't notice until recently.

Time to be happy again

I want to thank my friends for all the support and love they have given me. I really am such a lucky girl to have the friends I have. I love them all and I don't know what I would do without them. Thank you sooo much! You guys are why I keep fighting. You guys keep me going :) And whenever you feel like life is horrible, know that I believe in you and I will fight with you! Learn to dance in the rain. It will make you stronger!
So now my journey continues. I will continue to fight the battles I am given. I'm ready to fight them. I'm ready to be happy again.
I'm ready.