National Eating Disorders Awareness Week -Music Monday

Last year I participated in National Eating Disorders Awareness Week. It was such an amazing experience for me. I learned so much and found new ways to support those who have been dealing with eating disorders. Well it's that time of year again and I'm ready as ever to participate in it once again. Eating disorders always seem to go unnoticed and it's time we show the truth about them. They are more serious than what most people know. I have always known that they harm your bodies and can even cause death, but there is so much more to an eating disorder. 

This week is designed to help educate the world and give hope to those dealing with an eating disorder. Yesterday was all about raising awareness. I saw people post things on Instagram or FB. I even saw somebody who put little facts on sticky notes and placed them in places where lots of people would see them. 

Today is "Music Monday." Music can be such an inspiring tool for so many people. Lyrics can inspire, uplift, motivate and leave you feeling better than before. Music is a big part of my life. I can't live without music. I can express myself through music. I have been so grateful to find ways to express myself in different ways with music. I thank my Father in Heaven for the music in my life. Music truly is powerful. I can feel it whenever I play my flute, or the piano. I feel it singing and dancing and I feel it listening to music. Without music, I honestly don't know where I would be. I would feel so lost. Music has always been there when I needed it and seemed to say what I needed to hear. It has given me hope when I couldn't find it and I truly believe that I have always been directed to it by my God above. Music has touched me in ways I can't explain. 

Here's some songs that I love and that have spoken to me in so many different ways. Today share some music that inspires you or means something to you. 

You Are Loved - Josh Groban

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EBSwA8pMgrA

You're Not Alone - Meredith Andrews

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8FXLo3aCkuQ

Cry Out To Jesus -Third Day

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JmVxRl5bc4Y

He'll Carry You - Hilary Weeks

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HCVT88Dz_CM&feature=related

Beautiful Heartbreak - Hilary Weeks

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xyX-I-um5Kk&list=PLO_attxNX64HH-vdcsjpGb6RWGo98s_92

Human - Chrisina Perri

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2X43XF8247E

Firework - Katy Perry

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGJuMBdaqIw

Try - Colbie Caillat

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXoZLPSw8U8

Brave - Sara Bareilles

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QUQsqBqxoR4

What If I Told You - Jason Walker

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hjr-D2T-Rpo

All About That Bass - Meghan Trainor

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7PCkvCPvDXk

Shake It Off - Taylor Swift

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nfWlot6h_JM

Never Good Enough - Rachel Ferguson 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oN_Zifk9f_o

Sometimes Our Paths Change....

I have learned how we each truly have our own paths in life - filled with roundabouts, dead ends, right and left turns, curves, detours, forks in the road, speed bumps, etc.

My path recently took me to a fork in the road.  

I have sat at that crossroads, trying to decide which side I wanted to take for quite some time now. 

I could see the good that came from both sides and I also saw the cons. I asked for opinions from friends and family and even my Father above. However, I still felt stuck at that same place and couldn't seem to move. 

But I had to choose one. I couldn't just wait and not choose.

It has recently come to my attention that some of my needs have been ignored by myself while attending college. 

I love learning. But I have spread myself too thin trying to learn, keep up on my studies, work, maintain a social life that is close to non-existent as well as give my all to my God. 

I'm used to doing a lot at once. I did a lot of extra curricular activities in high school. However a lot of my circumstances have changed since high school. I no longer am doing what I love, but what I'm told I should do. It put my body and my mental state into a major shock.

For the past few weeks I have been trying to decide what I should do about my schooling. I had the thought of taking a break and at first it was just a thought which I brushed away quickly. At that point, I felt like I was just like everyone else. I mean, who doesn't doubt being in school at least once? However, it kept coming back over and over again and soon enough I was forced to think about it. 

As I tried to figure out the situation on my own I got worried about the choice I felt I should make. I didn't want people to judge me and think badly of my choice. I didn't want to feel like I wasn't supported. So I scared myself into to thinking that I should just do what was expected of me but I felt uneasy and really upset with my choice.

Finally I turned to friends and family and although at first it seemed like my family wanted me to just do as I was expected, I learned they would support me, whatever decision I made. 

I've thought long and hard about each path I could take. I've had lots of sleepless nights thinking about it. I've prayed a lot, gotten priesthood blessings, read conference talks. I've done a lot. But I couldn't make the step on the path I knew I should take.

I kept coming back to one thought.

I would be a failure if I chose time away from school for a while. 

After endless weeks of wondering what to do, I have finally come to a conclusion that I feel satisfies me and the Lord right now. I'm ready to take my new path and I feel good about it. I know it will bring me back to school, but as of right now I need time for myself to grow without the stress college has brought into my life. I am not taking the easy way out. Actually, in some ways I feel like it's the harder way, but I feel like it's the right one.
I know that my Father in Heaven wants me to be happy and right now I don't feel that in school because I have lost myself. I want to have more time for Him as well as myself so I can come to know myself some more. I love my God and I know of His love for me. 

This path is going to hard because I know it will come with a lot of judgement and it's going to be a longer one for me in order to finish school, but after weeks of trying to make a decision, I've finally come to one that brings me peace and comfort.
I don't intend to take this time just to be lazy or anything like that. With God by my side, I know He will lead me to do great things. I don't know what they may be yet, but I trust Him.

So here goes the first step of my new path. It's an unexpected journey, but with the support of my family, friends and God, I know I can get through it. 

A Choice For Change

Well I'm done with my first semester at college. Hooray!
College has been my hell the past few months. Not because of having to go to class or having finals. It has nothing to do with the academics. It's been the worst experience of my life because I've never felt so alone. Not because I'm now living in an apartment, a little away from home. Not even because my roommates and I are hardly ever home at the same time. I get along with them fine and they are super sweet.
It's because I've truly learned what it's like to feel like you don't have a friend. All through high school I was surrounded by people I could call my friend. They were there for me when I needed them. They helped pick me up when I was down. They could tell when I was putting on a fake smile. They knew when I was holding something back. They understood me. They would just hold me and let me cry when I needed to. They laughed with me. They were there when I would come up with crazy ideas. They supported me in all my outside school activities. They danced with me. They watched movies with me. They did everything with me and for me. They always made me feel safe and I knew I could always count on them. Things of course weren't perfect. I got in fights with friends, said goodbye to some, we said things meant to hurt each other, but I always had a group I could count on being there, even if it changed groups every now and then.
I'm not one who just opens up to anyone and spills my guts out. I let people in only so far and then I just shut down. I can't cope with feeling like I'm bothering somebody with my feelings of hurt, anxiety, loss, sadness, guilt, shame, failure, etc. I try to be the one people feel like they can always come to and just vent about anything. I like being supportive and being the strong one. But I'm not...not always. And I get upset with myself when I can't hold it together. But who really can, 24/7? I just feel like I need to, in case somebody needs me to be strong for them. So I wait until it's late at night and everyone has gone to sleep and it's been weeks of trying to hold it together, and I break.
I think in high school it was easier because I had friends I saw every day to help keep my spirits lifted.
But in college.
I don't have that. I hardly see any of my friends and so I often cry myself to sleep asking God to take away my feelings of worthlessness and being alone. I always wanted to reach out and ask a friend for help but with college, I know how crazy life can be and I didn't want to be a bother or an inconvenience. I wanted the times I did get to share with my friends to be happy times and I wanted them to think I had everything under control.
But I haven't.
I don't even know where I want to go right now in life. I know where I want to end up but I keep feeling like the time isn't now for that. Which is hard for me to accept because I try to be a hard worker and finish things I start as fast as I can.
But it's tiring, feeling like a failure all the time or feeling like I'm not enough. I'm tired of not doing things I love doing. I feel like my life has become so unfocused of what matters most to me. I don't spend time with friends. I don't spend time with my family as much as I should. I don't spend time doing service to my fellow neighbors. I don't spend time for myself.
So I'm hoping with the new year, I can change that. I don't want to make resolutions about losing weight or exercising more or studying more or always giving more. Yes, those are great resolutions but my new year's resolution is to be me again.
I miss Alissa.
I miss knowing where I was wanting to go. I miss living in the present. I miss being with the people I care about. I miss doing the things I love. I miss being me.
This means I'm about to change a lot by just one little decision. But I understand now, it's what I need to do right now to better myself.
Here's to choosing to change my life and refocusing it on what really is important.

What's the big deal with numbers?

Technology has become such a big part of our lives. We use it every day. But sometimes you have to step back and say, "Enough is enough!" 

In our society it's become an addiction. And when taken to the extreme, it does not help us. In fact, it does the complete opposite. 

What ever made us believe that having the most likes or most followers or most friends made us better? It doesn't. It's just a stupid number that is meaningless. It doesn't show you how kind you are, how caring you are or how understanding you are. It is in no way an indicator of how beautiful/handsome you are. It's just a number. 

But we put so much emphasis on the numbers. We feel like nobody if we only have 100 friends on Facebook. But who really even has 500 friends in real life? Argue if you must, but in all reality. Do you honestly have over 500 friends you are close with? Not aquaintences. Not family. But actual friends. 

Why are we so obsessed with a number that is so meaningless? Why do we care that so-and-so got more likes on their selfie than yours got? Why do we let the numbers rule over us? 

I can't stress it enough...THEY MEAN NOTHING! 

They aren't what matter most in life. They have started to destroy us! We are the creators of it, so we are the alpha! Not the other way around! So why do we let them control us? Why do you let it control you? 

I let it control me. I was consumed by the numbers. It fed into my eating disorder even more. I would see friends have so many friends/followers and mine was "beginner status." I'd see their photos with so many likes and beat myself up about my photos! Do you know how messed up that is?! More likes doesn't mean you're prettier! Who the heck came up with that? Who decided that numbers held more value of determining how great a person is? I tried getting more "numbers" by joining more social networks or by trying out some things lots of people like. You know what I found out? I don't like what a lot of people like. I don't like the Twilight series. I'm not a huge fan of Harry Potter. I don't care for superheroes. I hate the Beetles. I think comic con is a joke. I detest rap. I don't really care about football...or most sports. I don't even care much for "college fun." I I can't do scary movies. I'm not a huge fan of art galleries. I don't like "LOL" or things like that. I'm really not that into mountains (I know...I'm surrounded by them). Vines are alright. 

Do you get it? I don't like a lot of the things most people my age right now are raving about. So I'd beat myself up for being different and not being like everyone else. All because of a stupid number!!! Now that is messed up. Trying to change who I am for more numbers. Pathetic. 

But I still care about the numbers! It's been engraved into my head for some stupid reason. Every "like" I get feeds into it. 

Is it bad? 

Yeah, it really can be. 

But if you stop looking at how many numbers you get and instead start looking at who is interested in it, maybe it can change your perception. It means so much more when somebody I personally know and care about likes something than if some random stranger likes it. Now you shouldn't change who you are so the closest people around you like you more. Just be yourself! Be who you are offline when you are online! It's much better that way. 

It may not mean more numbers but you'll be more real than those numbers could ever show you. 

"God, I just don't understand. Please help me understand..."

Some days you feel worthless.

Yesterday I was struggling with feeling like I wasn't good enough to be at BYU. A lot of people think that in order to go to BYU, you have to be a smart, well-rounded student. Well I haven't felt like I am smart enough to be at BYU since before I even arrived at BYU.
I did not chose BYU from the start. It's actually not where I wanted to go in the first place. However, I felt like it was where I needed to go right now. I've been trying to understand why and I have come up with multiple reasons, but there is still a lot of questions as to why BYU was right for me.
I got a scholarship here. So financially, it makes sense. I'm multi-cultural, so admittance into BYU makes sense. I was involved in a lot of different clubs in high school, so I have that background. I'm LDS. I've overcome a hardship that changed me (application essay). I live close, so it seems like a logical choice for me.
But why me? Why is BYU a place where I am supposed to be right now?
Yesterday I had a really rough day at school. I had to take two tests and one I was not prepared for. I failed my first test at college (and as a freshman...failing scares you half to death) and then the other one I struggled with the outcome of the test. I had studied for this other test. The first time I took a test for this class was when I accidentally took it without studying and ended up doing surprisingly well on it. So I figured with studying I would do even better...makes sense right? However, that wasn't the case. In fact I barely even passed the test.
I was so angry. At myself. At God. At the school. At everything.
Why was I here when I was just barely passing classes? Am I really "smart" enough to be at this school? Did I really make the right choice coming here? Why did I do worse when I studied? I should have done better! That's what they tell you...so why was I the exception? This happened when I took the ACT too! I didn't study, took the test and did better than when I did study and then I did the best when I didn't study or even have a math class for about a year!
So what is wrong with me? Am I not capable of learning like other people?

Why am I at BYU?

I pleaded with God to know why. I cried and I cried. I apologized for being angry with Him but I really didn't understand the purpose of being at BYU and that's all I wanted to know. I just wanted some answers I've been asking since the day I clicked that "I plan to attend" button. Why did I feel like this was where I needed to be right now, instead of being where I wanted to be?
I had no close friends coming into BYU. I still don't have any. They're phasing out my major so I might not even be able to finish it at BYU. I don't do well without having somebody I'm close with around. I'm barely getting through my classes. I sit alone every day in classes. I feel so small on campus. I don't get any attention (sounds selfish...but you want to be noticed every now and then). I sit at home while my roommates go out with friends. I've started feeling like it's not even worth it to look nice if nobody would notice me anyways. I started dealing with my eating disorder again since the day I arrived. Feelings of being unloved, unwanted, stupid, ugly, not social, unfriendly, unapproachable, worthless kept coming to me...every day getting worse.

What made all of this worth it?

Had I known this was how I would feel at BYU, would I have chosen coming here?

Honestly, I don't know.

But I do know this is where I'm supposed to be. I keep forgetting the things I have already learned as to why BYU was the right choice for me. I can't imagine how things would have been, had I chosen my dream school instead of the school I thought I was never going to go to. BYU let me keep my job, one that I love...even when it gets redundant. I still have my family close for when I am in need of people who will understand me and people I can be myself around. I was able to spend more time with the guy I love than I would have, had I chosen somewhere else. I still have my high school nearby...which is actually good because I loved high school and miss it more than anyone out there haha. I got to see my grandparents when they came to visit because I was still in the area. I got to keep my home ward so close to me which has been beneficial for some exciting things that I am now starting on.

BYU has given me so much more than any other school could have offered me right now. I didn't want to admit it, but I needed BYU more than BYU needed me. They could have continued on with life had I chosen to decline them.

But could I?
Probably...but I wouldn't be better off.

So even though I don't fully understand why I'm here, I know it's where I should be. And knowing that makes all the difference. God doesn't want me to fail. He is only doing what He knows is best for me. I don't see things the way He does and sometimes I forget that. People have made it possible for me to be here, so I should take advantage of that. I should make the most of what I was given and strive to do my best.

Then, and only then, is when I'll start to more fully understand God's plan for me here at BYU.

Sometimes Changes Bring Destruction

So this is going to be a hard post for me but I think it's healthiest for me to write it. I'm not writing this for attention or pity, it's just becoming harmful for me to keep hiding it.

As many of you know, I have suffered from an eating disorder (you can read my story about that following this link: http://dreadfulthoughtsofadistraughtteen.blogspot.com/2014/03/sharing-my-storyits-about-time-i-did.html) . I started doing a lot better and was eating more regularly. I finally felt like I had taken control of what had possessed me for a long time. Friends and family made sure I was eating more and they tried to help in any way they could.
 

And then college hit me.
 

At first I was doing great and making sure I was eating still, but slowly I found myself making excuses to skip a meal here and there. I started making excuses not to buy more groceries because I had other things to pay like rent, textbooks, paying my mom back, etc. Eating was always last on my list and if I didn't get to it...oh well.

I've started to really analyze my thinking from the past couple of months because I could see a change in myself. It seems almost subtle at first glance but as it has been on my mind lately, I've started to realize what's really been going on.

It wasn't until I had a big and important assignment in my nutrition class that it really started to bother me. See before this assignment I kept telling myself I was eating too much and I needed to cut back, but then for my class we had to record what we ate for 3 days and I knew with how I was eating, it would raise some eyebrows. So I told myself I'd eat more for those 3 days so that it looked like I was "average." That didn't happen. I actually ended up doing worse every time I tried. As the deadline came close, I started freaking out. I didn't know what I was going to do. I could make up what I ate and just do the assignment that way or actually write down what I had eaten and just turn it in.

I emailed my TA instead. I told them what was going on and the emotional stress I was going through. I didn't get excused from the assignment, don't think I did it for that...but it was able to help me realize how bad things have gotten.

I've realized I put on a face for people out in public lately. I've gone back to hiding - I don't want to be associated as struggling with an eating disorder because it makes me feel weak and not good enough to overcome it. I don't want people thinking I do it because of attention.

I've started to see why I haven't been eating much...the real reason.

I walk around campus every day for about 5-6 hours and I just see hundreds of girls that look prettier and healthier than I do. Then I come home to an apartment of girls who once again look prettier and healthier than I do. My ward is filled with girls I compare as prettier than myself. I pull up Facebook and scroll through more gorgeous girls I know. And at the end of the day, I feel none of that towards myself.

I don't feel pretty.
I don't feel healthy.
I don't feel like myself.
I feel like I can't even compare to the hundreds of girls around me.

I haven't felt this much control from the disorder in a really long time. I'm surrounded by lots of new people and I just keep comparing myself to them...and I can't stop. I put myself in a position where all I can think of is how great so and so is and how I'll never look like them or act like them. It doesn't help that when things change in a really big way for me, I start to retreat. So I see all these people more outgoing than I am and I retreat even further. I feel pressured to be more outgoing but it scares me because I feel like I have nothing to offer.

Nobody will want to be friends with somebody like me here at BYU.
I'm just a child.
Other girls are prettier.
I'm a nobody on this huge campus.

And that alone has been a really hard adjustment for me.

And so...I've retreated.

I never feel like myself anymore whenever I'm on campus or at my apartment...or anywhere in Provo. And so I yearn for the way things used to be. I wish more than anything I could go back and just stay a little longer.

It just proves that this disorder is a life-long battle I will have to deal with. You can tell me the way I think is wrong, but that is never going to change how I think of myself. It's harder than you think. You can't just tell me that I should stop thinking the way I do...because it doesn't work like that.

I want to be happy with myself again, but right now....that isn't happening.

There is some good news to this. For the longest time my sister has told me to get a therapist for help. I'm finally ready to take that step because I'm scared of what will happen if I don't. I'm tired of this and I'm finally ready to do something about it right now. Pray for me to have strength to go through with it.

Never Grow Up

So tomorrow I'm moving out. To be honest, I have been counting down the days ever since I was 16 and now I can't believe it's almost time. I'm not gonna lie, I'm excited more than anything but I'm also frightened to death. I always imagined moving out to be different. I thought I would have friends with me along the way. But as time got closer I realized that they will be with me along the way...they just wouldn't be right next to me all the time like I hoped for.

My closest friends aren't coming with me. The people I've grown up with aren't coming with me. I'll be on my own. In an apartment with 3 other girls who I don't even know. That's scary!!!

I've been putting up a wall the past few weeks of how I feel about moving out because I knew as the time got closer I would lose it if I didn't have that wall up. I have been so ready and so excited to move out, but it's also been hard on me and as I watch some of my best friends go off to their own future, I get even more afraid. Because I know I won't have them like I did in the past.

It's so hard to say goodbye to those who have been there for you through everything for so long. There are

never enough words to say when the time comes. One person I will miss soo much is Shaina. This girl has been one of my rocks the past three years. I can't believe how much she has helped me. When I first met her, I never would have thought she would become so special to me (if you know the story of what I first thought of her, then you'll completely understand). But seriously, she's been there to help me so much. Whenever I was struggling, she was there to pick me up. She understood me in a different way than most people did and I'm so glad we became friends. I hope you have an amazing time in college Shaina! Just know I will be missing you tons...especially when things start to get rough. Thank you for all you have done. For always being there when I was afraid, or upset. For letting me just cry. For just being an amazing friend. I never got to tell you how much your friendship has meant to me. You truly saved me and I have no idea where I would be if I didn't have you all through high school.

I am frightened to leave my friends behind and not have the opportunity to see them everyday. You don't realize that you take high school for granted, until  the day you graduate. High school provided a place where you could see your best friends every day, practically every hour for 6 hours, 5 days in a row. Sometimes you'll see them even more because of all the extra things. Like track, sports, theatre, choir, band, orchestra, dance, etc.. And we think it will be like that forever. But every year around May we get reminded that you grow up and some move on. Every year you say goodbye to the seniors and feel bad that you don't have them anymore. But you're okay in the end because you know you still have your other friends for a couple more years.

Then senior year comes around and it's you that is leaving everyone behind. You're not coming back. You're going off on your own.

When I graduated I honestly broke inside. High school has been everything to me the past three years. I was so involved and I never really wanted to leave. I didn't want to say goodbye to my friends. I didn't want them to go off to college. I didn't want all of us to grow up and go separate ways. I was selfish...and I still am. I wanted all of it to be the same because I was afraid to let everyone go.

Some people have heard my joke about how people usually get depressed because they are in high school, but I was gonna be the one to get depressed because I'm not gonna be in high school. And that's honestly how I feel. Everyone says college is a blast, and I believe it. I just wish I could have my friends with me when I experience it.

College is a big thing. And when I'm on BYU's campus I feel like a little girl. Where everything looks bigger
than it really is but in reality, you're just really small. And you know what? It frightens me. I don't consider myself old enough to be at college. I feel so young and I don't feel like I belong. And the transition so far has felt so natural that it actually has scared me how natural it feels...if that makes any sense.

My Drama Class Family

The biggest thing I think I will miss from high school is my drama family. They have been everything to me and I was so lucky that I had them. I'm so glad they welcomed me into the family with open arms and loving hearts. My drama family holds a special place in my heart. I love you guys! And that also includes my "extended drama family," the theatre department. You guys are so talented and I'm so sad I won't get to interact with you all every day.

I'm gonna miss going to young womens. That had always been a place of love and comfort to me. I have always had the best leaders who have supported me and helped me way beyond their calling required. They became friends and some were even family to me. The young womens program has truly blessed my life and it's gonna be hard for me not to be a part of it anymore. I tried to put off leaving as much as possible, but every week I knew it was coming and I didn't want to accept it. It makes me sad that Wednesdays will be different now. I loved having those two hours to be with the girls in my ward. They are so special and I love them all dearly. I know God looks over them all and I came to understand just a portion of the love He has for those girls when I was a leader at girls camp this year.

I'm really gonna miss everything. I'm not ready to leave it all behind and I don't want to. But it's time. I have to be strong. I have to be brave. I have to do this. Luckily I have The Lord to help me when I feel alone or out of place. I'm glad that even though I'm giving up a lot of my past, I don't have to give him up. I am so glad I know that He lives and loves me and knows my names and desires. I'm glad He understands me more than I understand myself. I don't want to lose Him because I walked away from Him once and I have never felt so out of place in my life. I need Him now more than ever before and honestly, I think that's one reason why I felt like BYU was right for me.

I want to thank my family for putting up with my mood swings, my laughter, my tears, my love life, my heartbreaks, my struggles, my successes, my passions, my anger, my stupidity, my sass, my drama, my everything the past 18 years. Nobody has stayed by me through everything like they have. I'm gonna miss my younger sisters a lot. We've always been known as "three peas in a pod" and at times we are inseparable. I'm gonna miss having them in the room next to me, screaming their heads off or laughing about some stupid thing. It's gonna be hard not being able to joke around with them as much as we have. They understand me so much more than anybody else I know. They are amazing young women and I am so proud to be their sister. Boys better watch out because they are amazing and they deserve the best and I'll make sure that they get only the best!

Goodbyes are really hard for me. I don't like having to say goodbye, but for some I know we might not ever cross paths on this earth again. Which is sad, but it's the truth. I wish for all of you happiness. I hope you all find it. I hope you all find love in your life as well. I hope you find what you've been looking for in this life. And to those who are starting out on their senior year this year. Live it up! Don't take a moment for granted. It will fly by. Take lots of pictures, laugh, learn, love and just be yourself. Don't live with regrets. I know it's cliche but it honestly is true. I love you all so much and I will miss having you all in my life so often. If you ever need me, let me know though. Because chances are...I'll be needing you too. And even though I'm growing up and moving on, I'm not growing up at the same time. Always keep your childlike qualities.

I love you all and watch me as I take my life in a whole new direction and do my best to make it the most amazing life for myself. I'm ready now. I'm ready to walk out that door and know that I won't be coming back to stay. I'm ready to make a life for myself. I'm ready to never completely grow up. I'm ready to be me.

Forever and always,
Alissa A. Lopez


If you want you may watch this:

http://flipagram.com/f/HEuK8ZC0l2