A Choice For Change

Well I'm done with my first semester at college. Hooray!
College has been my hell the past few months. Not because of having to go to class or having finals. It has nothing to do with the academics. It's been the worst experience of my life because I've never felt so alone. Not because I'm now living in an apartment, a little away from home. Not even because my roommates and I are hardly ever home at the same time. I get along with them fine and they are super sweet.
It's because I've truly learned what it's like to feel like you don't have a friend. All through high school I was surrounded by people I could call my friend. They were there for me when I needed them. They helped pick me up when I was down. They could tell when I was putting on a fake smile. They knew when I was holding something back. They understood me. They would just hold me and let me cry when I needed to. They laughed with me. They were there when I would come up with crazy ideas. They supported me in all my outside school activities. They danced with me. They watched movies with me. They did everything with me and for me. They always made me feel safe and I knew I could always count on them. Things of course weren't perfect. I got in fights with friends, said goodbye to some, we said things meant to hurt each other, but I always had a group I could count on being there, even if it changed groups every now and then.
I'm not one who just opens up to anyone and spills my guts out. I let people in only so far and then I just shut down. I can't cope with feeling like I'm bothering somebody with my feelings of hurt, anxiety, loss, sadness, guilt, shame, failure, etc. I try to be the one people feel like they can always come to and just vent about anything. I like being supportive and being the strong one. But I'm not...not always. And I get upset with myself when I can't hold it together. But who really can, 24/7? I just feel like I need to, in case somebody needs me to be strong for them. So I wait until it's late at night and everyone has gone to sleep and it's been weeks of trying to hold it together, and I break.
I think in high school it was easier because I had friends I saw every day to help keep my spirits lifted.
But in college.
I don't have that. I hardly see any of my friends and so I often cry myself to sleep asking God to take away my feelings of worthlessness and being alone. I always wanted to reach out and ask a friend for help but with college, I know how crazy life can be and I didn't want to be a bother or an inconvenience. I wanted the times I did get to share with my friends to be happy times and I wanted them to think I had everything under control.
But I haven't.
I don't even know where I want to go right now in life. I know where I want to end up but I keep feeling like the time isn't now for that. Which is hard for me to accept because I try to be a hard worker and finish things I start as fast as I can.
But it's tiring, feeling like a failure all the time or feeling like I'm not enough. I'm tired of not doing things I love doing. I feel like my life has become so unfocused of what matters most to me. I don't spend time with friends. I don't spend time with my family as much as I should. I don't spend time doing service to my fellow neighbors. I don't spend time for myself.
So I'm hoping with the new year, I can change that. I don't want to make resolutions about losing weight or exercising more or studying more or always giving more. Yes, those are great resolutions but my new year's resolution is to be me again.
I miss Alissa.
I miss knowing where I was wanting to go. I miss living in the present. I miss being with the people I care about. I miss doing the things I love. I miss being me.
This means I'm about to change a lot by just one little decision. But I understand now, it's what I need to do right now to better myself.
Here's to choosing to change my life and refocusing it on what really is important.

What's the big deal with numbers?

Technology has become such a big part of our lives. We use it every day. But sometimes you have to step back and say, "Enough is enough!" 

In our society it's become an addiction. And when taken to the extreme, it does not help us. In fact, it does the complete opposite. 

What ever made us believe that having the most likes or most followers or most friends made us better? It doesn't. It's just a stupid number that is meaningless. It doesn't show you how kind you are, how caring you are or how understanding you are. It is in no way an indicator of how beautiful/handsome you are. It's just a number. 

But we put so much emphasis on the numbers. We feel like nobody if we only have 100 friends on Facebook. But who really even has 500 friends in real life? Argue if you must, but in all reality. Do you honestly have over 500 friends you are close with? Not aquaintences. Not family. But actual friends. 

Why are we so obsessed with a number that is so meaningless? Why do we care that so-and-so got more likes on their selfie than yours got? Why do we let the numbers rule over us? 

I can't stress it enough...THEY MEAN NOTHING! 

They aren't what matter most in life. They have started to destroy us! We are the creators of it, so we are the alpha! Not the other way around! So why do we let them control us? Why do you let it control you? 

I let it control me. I was consumed by the numbers. It fed into my eating disorder even more. I would see friends have so many friends/followers and mine was "beginner status." I'd see their photos with so many likes and beat myself up about my photos! Do you know how messed up that is?! More likes doesn't mean you're prettier! Who the heck came up with that? Who decided that numbers held more value of determining how great a person is? I tried getting more "numbers" by joining more social networks or by trying out some things lots of people like. You know what I found out? I don't like what a lot of people like. I don't like the Twilight series. I'm not a huge fan of Harry Potter. I don't care for superheroes. I hate the Beetles. I think comic con is a joke. I detest rap. I don't really care about football...or most sports. I don't even care much for "college fun." I I can't do scary movies. I'm not a huge fan of art galleries. I don't like "LOL" or things like that. I'm really not that into mountains (I know...I'm surrounded by them). Vines are alright. 

Do you get it? I don't like a lot of the things most people my age right now are raving about. So I'd beat myself up for being different and not being like everyone else. All because of a stupid number!!! Now that is messed up. Trying to change who I am for more numbers. Pathetic. 

But I still care about the numbers! It's been engraved into my head for some stupid reason. Every "like" I get feeds into it. 

Is it bad? 

Yeah, it really can be. 

But if you stop looking at how many numbers you get and instead start looking at who is interested in it, maybe it can change your perception. It means so much more when somebody I personally know and care about likes something than if some random stranger likes it. Now you shouldn't change who you are so the closest people around you like you more. Just be yourself! Be who you are offline when you are online! It's much better that way. 

It may not mean more numbers but you'll be more real than those numbers could ever show you. 

"God, I just don't understand. Please help me understand..."

Some days you feel worthless.

Yesterday I was struggling with feeling like I wasn't good enough to be at BYU. A lot of people think that in order to go to BYU, you have to be a smart, well-rounded student. Well I haven't felt like I am smart enough to be at BYU since before I even arrived at BYU.
I did not chose BYU from the start. It's actually not where I wanted to go in the first place. However, I felt like it was where I needed to go right now. I've been trying to understand why and I have come up with multiple reasons, but there is still a lot of questions as to why BYU was right for me.
I got a scholarship here. So financially, it makes sense. I'm multi-cultural, so admittance into BYU makes sense. I was involved in a lot of different clubs in high school, so I have that background. I'm LDS. I've overcome a hardship that changed me (application essay). I live close, so it seems like a logical choice for me.
But why me? Why is BYU a place where I am supposed to be right now?
Yesterday I had a really rough day at school. I had to take two tests and one I was not prepared for. I failed my first test at college (and as a freshman...failing scares you half to death) and then the other one I struggled with the outcome of the test. I had studied for this other test. The first time I took a test for this class was when I accidentally took it without studying and ended up doing surprisingly well on it. So I figured with studying I would do even better...makes sense right? However, that wasn't the case. In fact I barely even passed the test.
I was so angry. At myself. At God. At the school. At everything.
Why was I here when I was just barely passing classes? Am I really "smart" enough to be at this school? Did I really make the right choice coming here? Why did I do worse when I studied? I should have done better! That's what they tell you...so why was I the exception? This happened when I took the ACT too! I didn't study, took the test and did better than when I did study and then I did the best when I didn't study or even have a math class for about a year!
So what is wrong with me? Am I not capable of learning like other people?

Why am I at BYU?

I pleaded with God to know why. I cried and I cried. I apologized for being angry with Him but I really didn't understand the purpose of being at BYU and that's all I wanted to know. I just wanted some answers I've been asking since the day I clicked that "I plan to attend" button. Why did I feel like this was where I needed to be right now, instead of being where I wanted to be?
I had no close friends coming into BYU. I still don't have any. They're phasing out my major so I might not even be able to finish it at BYU. I don't do well without having somebody I'm close with around. I'm barely getting through my classes. I sit alone every day in classes. I feel so small on campus. I don't get any attention (sounds selfish...but you want to be noticed every now and then). I sit at home while my roommates go out with friends. I've started feeling like it's not even worth it to look nice if nobody would notice me anyways. I started dealing with my eating disorder again since the day I arrived. Feelings of being unloved, unwanted, stupid, ugly, not social, unfriendly, unapproachable, worthless kept coming to me...every day getting worse.

What made all of this worth it?

Had I known this was how I would feel at BYU, would I have chosen coming here?

Honestly, I don't know.

But I do know this is where I'm supposed to be. I keep forgetting the things I have already learned as to why BYU was the right choice for me. I can't imagine how things would have been, had I chosen my dream school instead of the school I thought I was never going to go to. BYU let me keep my job, one that I love...even when it gets redundant. I still have my family close for when I am in need of people who will understand me and people I can be myself around. I was able to spend more time with the guy I love than I would have, had I chosen somewhere else. I still have my high school nearby...which is actually good because I loved high school and miss it more than anyone out there haha. I got to see my grandparents when they came to visit because I was still in the area. I got to keep my home ward so close to me which has been beneficial for some exciting things that I am now starting on.

BYU has given me so much more than any other school could have offered me right now. I didn't want to admit it, but I needed BYU more than BYU needed me. They could have continued on with life had I chosen to decline them.

But could I?
Probably...but I wouldn't be better off.

So even though I don't fully understand why I'm here, I know it's where I should be. And knowing that makes all the difference. God doesn't want me to fail. He is only doing what He knows is best for me. I don't see things the way He does and sometimes I forget that. People have made it possible for me to be here, so I should take advantage of that. I should make the most of what I was given and strive to do my best.

Then, and only then, is when I'll start to more fully understand God's plan for me here at BYU.

Sometimes Changes Bring Destruction

So this is going to be a hard post for me but I think it's healthiest for me to write it. I'm not writing this for attention or pity, it's just becoming harmful for me to keep hiding it.

As many of you know, I have suffered from an eating disorder (you can read my story about that following this link: http://dreadfulthoughtsofadistraughtteen.blogspot.com/2014/03/sharing-my-storyits-about-time-i-did.html) . I started doing a lot better and was eating more regularly. I finally felt like I had taken control of what had possessed me for a long time. Friends and family made sure I was eating more and they tried to help in any way they could.
 

And then college hit me.
 

At first I was doing great and making sure I was eating still, but slowly I found myself making excuses to skip a meal here and there. I started making excuses not to buy more groceries because I had other things to pay like rent, textbooks, paying my mom back, etc. Eating was always last on my list and if I didn't get to it...oh well.

I've started to really analyze my thinking from the past couple of months because I could see a change in myself. It seems almost subtle at first glance but as it has been on my mind lately, I've started to realize what's really been going on.

It wasn't until I had a big and important assignment in my nutrition class that it really started to bother me. See before this assignment I kept telling myself I was eating too much and I needed to cut back, but then for my class we had to record what we ate for 3 days and I knew with how I was eating, it would raise some eyebrows. So I told myself I'd eat more for those 3 days so that it looked like I was "average." That didn't happen. I actually ended up doing worse every time I tried. As the deadline came close, I started freaking out. I didn't know what I was going to do. I could make up what I ate and just do the assignment that way or actually write down what I had eaten and just turn it in.

I emailed my TA instead. I told them what was going on and the emotional stress I was going through. I didn't get excused from the assignment, don't think I did it for that...but it was able to help me realize how bad things have gotten.

I've realized I put on a face for people out in public lately. I've gone back to hiding - I don't want to be associated as struggling with an eating disorder because it makes me feel weak and not good enough to overcome it. I don't want people thinking I do it because of attention.

I've started to see why I haven't been eating much...the real reason.

I walk around campus every day for about 5-6 hours and I just see hundreds of girls that look prettier and healthier than I do. Then I come home to an apartment of girls who once again look prettier and healthier than I do. My ward is filled with girls I compare as prettier than myself. I pull up Facebook and scroll through more gorgeous girls I know. And at the end of the day, I feel none of that towards myself.

I don't feel pretty.
I don't feel healthy.
I don't feel like myself.
I feel like I can't even compare to the hundreds of girls around me.

I haven't felt this much control from the disorder in a really long time. I'm surrounded by lots of new people and I just keep comparing myself to them...and I can't stop. I put myself in a position where all I can think of is how great so and so is and how I'll never look like them or act like them. It doesn't help that when things change in a really big way for me, I start to retreat. So I see all these people more outgoing than I am and I retreat even further. I feel pressured to be more outgoing but it scares me because I feel like I have nothing to offer.

Nobody will want to be friends with somebody like me here at BYU.
I'm just a child.
Other girls are prettier.
I'm a nobody on this huge campus.

And that alone has been a really hard adjustment for me.

And so...I've retreated.

I never feel like myself anymore whenever I'm on campus or at my apartment...or anywhere in Provo. And so I yearn for the way things used to be. I wish more than anything I could go back and just stay a little longer.

It just proves that this disorder is a life-long battle I will have to deal with. You can tell me the way I think is wrong, but that is never going to change how I think of myself. It's harder than you think. You can't just tell me that I should stop thinking the way I do...because it doesn't work like that.

I want to be happy with myself again, but right now....that isn't happening.

There is some good news to this. For the longest time my sister has told me to get a therapist for help. I'm finally ready to take that step because I'm scared of what will happen if I don't. I'm tired of this and I'm finally ready to do something about it right now. Pray for me to have strength to go through with it.

Never Grow Up

So tomorrow I'm moving out. To be honest, I have been counting down the days ever since I was 16 and now I can't believe it's almost time. I'm not gonna lie, I'm excited more than anything but I'm also frightened to death. I always imagined moving out to be different. I thought I would have friends with me along the way. But as time got closer I realized that they will be with me along the way...they just wouldn't be right next to me all the time like I hoped for.

My closest friends aren't coming with me. The people I've grown up with aren't coming with me. I'll be on my own. In an apartment with 3 other girls who I don't even know. That's scary!!!

I've been putting up a wall the past few weeks of how I feel about moving out because I knew as the time got closer I would lose it if I didn't have that wall up. I have been so ready and so excited to move out, but it's also been hard on me and as I watch some of my best friends go off to their own future, I get even more afraid. Because I know I won't have them like I did in the past.

It's so hard to say goodbye to those who have been there for you through everything for so long. There are

never enough words to say when the time comes. One person I will miss soo much is Shaina. This girl has been one of my rocks the past three years. I can't believe how much she has helped me. When I first met her, I never would have thought she would become so special to me (if you know the story of what I first thought of her, then you'll completely understand). But seriously, she's been there to help me so much. Whenever I was struggling, she was there to pick me up. She understood me in a different way than most people did and I'm so glad we became friends. I hope you have an amazing time in college Shaina! Just know I will be missing you tons...especially when things start to get rough. Thank you for all you have done. For always being there when I was afraid, or upset. For letting me just cry. For just being an amazing friend. I never got to tell you how much your friendship has meant to me. You truly saved me and I have no idea where I would be if I didn't have you all through high school.

I am frightened to leave my friends behind and not have the opportunity to see them everyday. You don't realize that you take high school for granted, until  the day you graduate. High school provided a place where you could see your best friends every day, practically every hour for 6 hours, 5 days in a row. Sometimes you'll see them even more because of all the extra things. Like track, sports, theatre, choir, band, orchestra, dance, etc.. And we think it will be like that forever. But every year around May we get reminded that you grow up and some move on. Every year you say goodbye to the seniors and feel bad that you don't have them anymore. But you're okay in the end because you know you still have your other friends for a couple more years.

Then senior year comes around and it's you that is leaving everyone behind. You're not coming back. You're going off on your own.

When I graduated I honestly broke inside. High school has been everything to me the past three years. I was so involved and I never really wanted to leave. I didn't want to say goodbye to my friends. I didn't want them to go off to college. I didn't want all of us to grow up and go separate ways. I was selfish...and I still am. I wanted all of it to be the same because I was afraid to let everyone go.

Some people have heard my joke about how people usually get depressed because they are in high school, but I was gonna be the one to get depressed because I'm not gonna be in high school. And that's honestly how I feel. Everyone says college is a blast, and I believe it. I just wish I could have my friends with me when I experience it.

College is a big thing. And when I'm on BYU's campus I feel like a little girl. Where everything looks bigger
than it really is but in reality, you're just really small. And you know what? It frightens me. I don't consider myself old enough to be at college. I feel so young and I don't feel like I belong. And the transition so far has felt so natural that it actually has scared me how natural it feels...if that makes any sense.

My Drama Class Family

The biggest thing I think I will miss from high school is my drama family. They have been everything to me and I was so lucky that I had them. I'm so glad they welcomed me into the family with open arms and loving hearts. My drama family holds a special place in my heart. I love you guys! And that also includes my "extended drama family," the theatre department. You guys are so talented and I'm so sad I won't get to interact with you all every day.

I'm gonna miss going to young womens. That had always been a place of love and comfort to me. I have always had the best leaders who have supported me and helped me way beyond their calling required. They became friends and some were even family to me. The young womens program has truly blessed my life and it's gonna be hard for me not to be a part of it anymore. I tried to put off leaving as much as possible, but every week I knew it was coming and I didn't want to accept it. It makes me sad that Wednesdays will be different now. I loved having those two hours to be with the girls in my ward. They are so special and I love them all dearly. I know God looks over them all and I came to understand just a portion of the love He has for those girls when I was a leader at girls camp this year.

I'm really gonna miss everything. I'm not ready to leave it all behind and I don't want to. But it's time. I have to be strong. I have to be brave. I have to do this. Luckily I have The Lord to help me when I feel alone or out of place. I'm glad that even though I'm giving up a lot of my past, I don't have to give him up. I am so glad I know that He lives and loves me and knows my names and desires. I'm glad He understands me more than I understand myself. I don't want to lose Him because I walked away from Him once and I have never felt so out of place in my life. I need Him now more than ever before and honestly, I think that's one reason why I felt like BYU was right for me.

I want to thank my family for putting up with my mood swings, my laughter, my tears, my love life, my heartbreaks, my struggles, my successes, my passions, my anger, my stupidity, my sass, my drama, my everything the past 18 years. Nobody has stayed by me through everything like they have. I'm gonna miss my younger sisters a lot. We've always been known as "three peas in a pod" and at times we are inseparable. I'm gonna miss having them in the room next to me, screaming their heads off or laughing about some stupid thing. It's gonna be hard not being able to joke around with them as much as we have. They understand me so much more than anybody else I know. They are amazing young women and I am so proud to be their sister. Boys better watch out because they are amazing and they deserve the best and I'll make sure that they get only the best!

Goodbyes are really hard for me. I don't like having to say goodbye, but for some I know we might not ever cross paths on this earth again. Which is sad, but it's the truth. I wish for all of you happiness. I hope you all find it. I hope you all find love in your life as well. I hope you find what you've been looking for in this life. And to those who are starting out on their senior year this year. Live it up! Don't take a moment for granted. It will fly by. Take lots of pictures, laugh, learn, love and just be yourself. Don't live with regrets. I know it's cliche but it honestly is true. I love you all so much and I will miss having you all in my life so often. If you ever need me, let me know though. Because chances are...I'll be needing you too. And even though I'm growing up and moving on, I'm not growing up at the same time. Always keep your childlike qualities.

I love you all and watch me as I take my life in a whole new direction and do my best to make it the most amazing life for myself. I'm ready now. I'm ready to walk out that door and know that I won't be coming back to stay. I'm ready to make a life for myself. I'm ready to never completely grow up. I'm ready to be me.

Forever and always,
Alissa A. Lopez


If you want you may watch this:

http://flipagram.com/f/HEuK8ZC0l2

We All Fall Down Sometimes

Do you ever have those moments where you're just feeling low for no reason? This past week that has been happening every once and a while. How do you deal with them? How do you pick yourself up, not even knowing what's wrong in the first place? It can be difficult. But nobody likes people in a pity party...so what do you do? I hate feeling like somebody's burden.

One thing I do is I start to try and appreciate all the little things. A good hair day, a nice text, getting my nails done, watching a good tv show. Something simple. Sometimes after I start appreciating all the little things, it adds up to the big stuff and I suddenly feel better about the day and about myself. However this doesn't always work for me.

Sometimes I have to make a drastic change in order for me to feel better. And those don't always come.

For me, one of the best way I get out of these odd moments is through my friends. They lift me up and because I see them trying to make me happy and really doing all they can to make me feel better, I do start to feel better. I think it's because I feel loved and so it makes me feel better.

Also, whenever I feel down on myself and don't know what else to do to make me feel better, I turn to my religion. I read my scriptures, I pray...etc. I do things that spiritually uplift me and that tends to help me out.

So yeah, these were just some thoughts I had today that I thought I would share. It really isn't much but I just wanted to get it out there. I hope you found something for yourself in this little post :)

Little thoughts....

So we are down to the final month of summer...and school is going to be starting really soon for a lot of you. The past few days I've had some interesting experiences that have hit me in different ways.

This first experience came to me kind of randomly this week. So I love music...a ton. I have always connected deeply with music and have explored different ways to use music as expression throughout the years. I played piano for a while which got me started in realizing that I could express myself in a musical way. After a while I moved onto the flute where I indulged myself into music and completely fell in love with it but it still wasn't enough for me. So I turned to musical theatre. I delighted in expressing myself in different characters and connecting it to an audience. After a while dance entered my life and I found a whole new way to express myself once again. At first when I started dancing, I danced the emotions that connected to the piece I was dancing but I didn't feel like I was telling people how I honestly felt. I still just felt like a character. So when I finally choreographed a dance, I finally gave myself completely to an audience. That was an amazing feeling for me. After that I found ways to express myself through singing. So, yeah...I've gone through a lot of different kinds of music and it has been my life. The past few days though I have come to a realization of how much music connects to people these days. I have learned through music in my life and this week I had this feeling that I should start reaching out to people through music. I don't really know how or why but it's something that has been on my mind recently...but yeah....

Alright so this week I found my apartment for when I'll be at school. It's quite crazy actually and I can't believe it's all happening so fast! It kind of scares me a little...okay it actually scares me A LOT! And even though I'm going to be close to my family, it still scares me to death. I have counted down the years, months, days, hours, etc. for this day and it's so close I can't believe it. I'm finally growing up...and it's happening all so fast! I still feel like a little girl. I don't feel old enough to be getting an apartment or old enough to be going to college...but I am. I'm scared half to death. I hate big changes. Actually I hate going into things and feeling inadequate and unsure of how to do things, but that's exactly what I'm going to be doing...so it frightens me. And the thing that scares me most? I'll be alone. I don't have a lot of friends that are going to the same college as me and if they are, they aren't going into my major.

However I have hope. I know that I the Lord on my side throughout these next few years. He wants me to succeed and I know He will be there, willing to helping every step of the way, as long as I let Him.

This past summer I have really started to have a new kind of love for my Father in Heaven. I've watched as my testimony has grown in just a few short months. Yes, it's always been growing...but this past month it has pretty much just exploded big time and my testimony has been growing so much in all different aspects of life. I have always seen the Lord in my life but I didn't see it in even the smallest things until recently...whether it be through a smile, or even a text. The Lord really is in my life and I am so glad I have the knowledge I have of the gospel and I know I still have a lifetime of things to learn.

So these are just a few things on my mind lately...I don't really have time to indulge into everything at the moment but I will soon. I have something that has been on my mind that I want to talk about but I only want to talk about that subject when I post it...so there will be another post soon :) But yeah...that's all for tonight!

Am I Really Ready?

So lately I've been given some time to look back at all the great years I have been given. With my new job it has given me the opportunity to actually catch up with some people that used to be a big part of my life at some point. I'm already getting emotional about this and I don't even know why hahaha. Anyways, as I look back through all the years I start to miss all of it.
I miss being young and carefree. I miss the summers where I could play outside four hours, tackle my sisters, play dress up, play house, play barbies, go to the park during the day, not caring about how my body looked, not having to worry about looking good for boys, not having to think about all the little things...the list could go on. It's strange thinking how all those things slowly started to fade out of my life. I look at myself now and I'm a completely different person.

I've grown up.

And it makes me sad.

Don't get me wrong, I love that I've started growing up but I do miss the good ol' days.

I think about little Alissa and I can only think how proud she must be looking at who she has become today. She graduated high school. She's headed to BYU. She's holding two jobs which she loves with all her heart. She has amazing friends and family that support her constantly. She truly is amazing. She's been through so much and I bet that little girl never could have imagined herself going through all the battles she went through and how she came out victorious in them.

Looking back at myself...when I was little I loved God more than anything and I always thought I would stay close to him because he was close to my daddy in heaven. However, that wasn't the case. As I started growing up, I pulled away from my God and came to a point where I no longer even knew who He was and all the things He had done for me. I hate to say it, but I didn't love Him as much as that little girl did...and it killed me and still does. Everyone expected me to have the same love for Him as they did...but I couldn't find it in myself. I was so empty all of those years. Finally, towards the end of my sophomore year I started to find love for my God again. I don't know what it was exactly that helped me...it was a lot of little things but they all added up until one day I was filled with such a love for my God that I could not deny it anymore. I learned for myself finally that I have a God that is good and is there for me. I can't tell you how much it hurt me to walk away from my God. I didn't feel like I was worthy to even come back to Him, but He accepted me with open arms the night when I cried out for help. When I thought I had lost everything, He gave me what I needed. I had been so empty without Him that I thought there was no hope for me. I came to a point where I hated myself for everything I did. Every little thing I criticized because I couldn't do anything good enough. I remember the night where I sat in my room alone and just cried. I honestly almost lost it that night but because my God loves me more than anything He wanted to help me and that's just what He did. I love Him. He has saved my life, even when I didn't want Him to at the time He did anyways because He could see more in me than I could in myself. Thank you God for making me stronger and helping heal me.

That little girl never would have thought she'd have to deal with leaving her best friend, her Father, her God.

The one thing I remember when I was little was my dreams. I had HUGE dreams as a little girl but through the years they have faded and I didn't really have any big dreams anymore. This new job has helped me to dream bigger which I have loved soooo much!

I love looking back at the little girl I once was an realizing how much I have grown. I really am different than that little girl but at the same time we are still pretty much the same.

I'm also writing this post because I am super excited for my future. I literally want to jump out of my seat in excitement because of my future.

I'm telling you now, I have a lot that is going to be happening to help me grow up even more and make me an even better person. I am letting go of some insecurities which scares me half to death but I'm ready to start letting go of them and finally do something about them. Some of them are little things like cutting my hair short...that's in a couple of months but it's a huge fear of mine haha. But there are some big fears I'm going to be facing and I'm not going to hold back anymore.

So little Alissa, take my hand and we'll go on this roller coaster together. It's not going to be easy but we'll make it to the end, safe and sound.

So Alissa.

Are you ready? (As ready as I'll ever be.)













Get set. (Deep breaths...deep breaths...)














Go.

Easter Traditions, Meanings and more

I love the Easter season! Not because of all the candy, easter egg hunts, and coloring eggs. Yes all of those things can be fun but Easter has always meant more to me. I'd like to think that it's because of the way my mom always treated Easter in our home. Ever since I can remember, we had this tradition in our home. The week before Easter we would have a special Family Home Evening lesson. My mom would pull out a carton of plastic eggs. In each one there was something that related to Christ's life. I remember the little nail inside one of the eggs and my mom had each of us prick our fingers so we could feel just the little pain it gave us. I always looked forward to the Easter lesson. We haven't done it the past few years as we have started growing up but I still think about it every year. It helped me to understand Easter better and have a better appreciation for Christ and all He did for me as well as having a bigger love for my Father in Heaven.

I love Easter traditions. My family doesn't have many but the ones we do have I enjoy. It's sad that now that all of us are growing up a lot of the traditions we did have are now gone. I remember when I was little, when we first moved here we had to look for our Easter baskets. We don't hide the baskets anymore but that's okay :) It was always fun and exciting :) We each have our own baskets (this one still stands today) and my mom coordinates our easter grass to match us best. I usually end up with yellow grass because yellow is my favorite color. One tradition I love is the easter egg hunt and even though we all are getting older we still have one every year. My oldest sister has autism and loves easter egg hunts, so we do them even today. One year my mom wasn't going to do it but my sisters and I decided to use our own candy and pitch in the little money we had and we ended up having the easter egg hunt that year. Not just for ourselves but for our older sister Sandra.

Even though we have all these fun traditions, we must not forget to remember Christ and the real meaning of Easter. I owe my life to Him.  He gave His life for me. Christ has always been there for me. He's my brother and I love him more than anything. I have had many blessing but out of all of them, one thing stands out the most from one of the blessings I received. I was having a really hard time and I was so lost. I was struggling with my faith and I felt like I had no where to go. It got so bad and everything felt so wrong. I finally decided to reach out to my Father in Heaven. So I went to my old seminary teacher and I asked for a blessing. In the blessing, he said that Christ had paid for all my sins. He atoned for all of them and died for me. And he would do it all over again and do it all for just me. I have never felt so close to Christ and my Father in Heaven.

I have made many mistakes. I've done things I'm not proud of and I look back and wonder how I ever got into the situations I was in. A few years ago, I was going to church just because that's what I had to do and I was going to seminary to look the part of a "good Mormon girl" but I started to question my faith and found myself not believing the same things that everyone else in my faith seemed to believe. Everyone had testimonies about prayer, family, service, the atonement, etc. However, I didn't have any testimony of it. I got to a point where I had nothing but then God lifted me up and gave me everything I needed. I didn't have everything the world thinks you need but I had what God knew I needed. Because of the atonement I was able to not only wash away my sins but to find peace with myself. I kept telling myself I had done so much damage that there was no way for me to come back to Christ. I now know that that was Satan's words in my head. He knew how strong I could be with the Lord on my side and he didn't want me on my Father's side. I had no idea how strong God could make me, but I have done so much thanks to Him.

I continue to make mistakes every now and then. I'm not perfect. I'm human and I fall every now and then. But because Christ has payed the price for me I can repent and be made whole again. I do all I can on my own and I know he will make up for the difference. I feel His love every day in my life. I give thanks to Him for all he has done.

I am so grateful Christ died for each of us so that we can be resurrected again. I can't express my joy that I will be able to see my earthly father again someday. I love him so much and I miss him. I know he walks with me and I do all I can to make him proud. My father always watches over me and I have felt him with me more than once. I still remember the feeling I had when I was baptized. I could feel him there with me and I know he will be there with me when I graduate and I know without a doubt he'll be at my wedding one day. He lives inside me and my sisters. He will always be a huge part of my life and I can't wait to see him again. I know it will be a glorious day when me and my sisters finally get to be with our father again. I can already imagine the joy my sisters and I will feel when we all get to run to him again and see him. Even though I haven't had the kind of father most people have had, I've been blessed to have an angel as my father. I can't wait to personally thank him for all he's done for me and I want him to know how much I know he's been there for me. I will never forget him. I could never forget him.

This Easter I have had so much to be grateful for and I can't express all of my gratitude in words to my Father in Heaven. I love Christ and I love my Heavenly Father. Thank you. It sounds so simple but I can't tell it to you enough. I know I'll always need you. Thank you for your patience and your love.

I hope you all have had an amazing Easter this year. Remember what Easter is all about and keep the spirit of Easter with you through this week and throughout the rest of the year. Happy Easter!

A Penny for my Thoughts

   Recently I've been doing a lot of thinking. As this past spring break went by it's got me thinking about how close it is to me graduating. I really can't believe how fast this year has gone by. Looking back, I realize that I have learned a lot about myself, about others and about just life in general.
I have lost some friends this year but have gained many others. I made a lot of mistakes this year but I have learned from them and I continue to learn from all of them. That's what life is all about right? Learning. I want to just say a few things from what I've learned this past year. Hopefully you will get something from what I have to say :)
   Now I'm already getting teary-eyed but this year I have learned just how strong I can be. It's been a really rough year for me and I can imagine each of you had your own struggles this year as well, but as I look back on this year...this one has definitely been my hardest year yet. I have been tested in ways I never thought I would be tested in. I have had to deal with failures like I've never had to before, heartbreaks like never before, promises broken, loneliness, fears, betrayals, broken friendships, my family, myself. By far the hardest thing for me this year has been myself. I look back at the beginning of the year and I can see how much stronger I have become. I have fought through everything that life has given me this past year and it makes me sad that anyone would have to go through all of that. It's kind of overwhelming looking back at it all and realizing just how much a little girl had to deal with in just one year. I never wish for anyone to have any of the feelings I had this year about myself. I started the year off really shaky. I was in a place in my life where I really was getting tired of life and I was never really happy. Then I fought with feeling like a failure because I could no longer do things the way I used to, making me have to quit things and I never felt good enough for anything or for anyone. Throughout the whole year, I have never really been happy to look at myself in the mirror and be comfortable with what I saw. I struggled with feeling like something was wrong with me.
   And then I felt alone. There have only been a few times when I have ever felt truly alone but the worst was earlier this year. There aren't even words to express how alone I felt. I struggled every day with feeling like I had to face all my problems by myself. I felt like I didn't have somebody to turn to who would understand me. I started missing how things used to be and I didn't know what to do anymore. I became worried that I would never feel like I was truly happy ever again. It seemed so far out of reach.
Well I don't know what happened but slowly I didn't feel as alone anymore. I want to say that it's because of all the amazing friends I have. I started to realize that they may not understand exactly how I feel but they would do anything to make sure I was okay and they would always be there for me. I can't tell you how grateful I am for the friends I have. They take time out of their day to make sure I am okay and I never feel like I deserve it.
   Just a few weeks ago I was struggling with some stuff and I just needed somebody to talk to. I had come to a realization about how I was feeling towards a few things about myself during one of my classes one day. As I went to my next class I had to tell somebody. I couldn't just hold it in because I needed to just let somebody understand what I just came to understand. I pulled aside my friend before class started and just told her how I felt. I didn't expect to cry but as the tears streamed down my cheeks I was thankful for her and her understanding.
   Not only did my friends help me so I didn't feel alone anymore, but I know my God helped me as well. I have seen many times this year when I am feeling even the tiniest bit alone, He comes and rescues me. I've seen it at work, at school, during a rehearsal, at seminary...anywhere. It will be so subtle but it hits me hard every time I realize it. It even happened just this past week at work through a little girl. God knows how to make me feel special. I know He knows me and I can always rely on Him. He has always been there for me, even if I didn't want Him to be and I can't express enough gratitude to Him.
   The past few months I have finally started to feel happy. It has felt so amazing to be truly happy. Yes, I still have bad days...we all do. But overall, these past few months I have been extremely happy. I fought through a big storm this year and I know I have many more to come but I know I can make it through it. My life still has its issues and it is far from perfect, but I've started to learn to just dance through the storm. So with whatever storm you are traveling through, I advise you to jump in the puddles, splash around and just dance through it all. It will be hard and you'll get tired of it, but eventually you will find happiness from it.
   I am very proud of myself for not giving up so easy. I've finally made it to the next step in my life. It's going to be a different step than the ones before but I can make it through it. I have been shown just how strong I am...even for a little girl. And the strength I now have, it's going to take me far.

Time for a little rant

We'll I'm going to tell you right now...this is going to be a ranting post.

A lot of things have been bothering me lately but I didn't want to say anything cuz I figured it wasn't a big deal and people would just think I'm super dramatic. Well maybe I am being dramatic about this and blowing it out of proportion but oh well.

I am really getting tired of people acting like they are my friends when really I know they aren't. I'm not as stupid as people may think. I know a lot more about people than I let people believe. I hear a lot of things and let's just say that when you talk bad about people or you lie to them, it will eventually get back to them. Sometimes I don't have to be told of the things people say behind my back...I have actually accidentally heard some of it. I'm sick of hearing people think I'm some slut or some fake. 

Yes. I flirt. Is that a crime?! 

No. It's human. 

Just because I flirt doesn't mean I'm a slut.

Now about being a fake...I feel like I'm pretty real when I talk with people. I'm the same at home as I am at school...crazy, sometimes a bit blonde, sometimes I get angry at people or get frustrated at stupid things. That's who I am. Yes, there is a side of me that I keep hidden from everyone but that's because it's my personal struggles. I'm not going to load everyone with all the trials I deal with, that's just unfair to all of you. So I deal with that myself. Does that really make me fake? I don't think it does. Everyone does that. If it makes me fake then it would make you a fake. And I don't think you like being called fake...do you? Then stop calling others fake when you know nothing.

One thing that really has been bothering me is the fact that people are pretending to be my friend so they can get something from me. I'm sorry but my biggest pet peeve is people using other people for their own personal gain. I am not some stepping stone to the next best thing. I have feelings and if you want something from me just tell me. Don't just pretend to be my friend for it. I'll be blunt with you. Try to use me for something and I'll try and make sure you don't get it.

I was once used by somebody a few years ago as an ego boost. I have never felt so broken when I found out that they didn't actually care about me the way they had led me to believe. Then they apologized and told me they had changed and I fell for it again. The last time they tried to come to apologize I had had enough and finally had learned my lesson. I learned a lot from them and now I can catch when people just want something from me. And I may not act like I know...but boy do I know. 

So in short...don't use me or anyone else for that matter. It hurts and it's wrong and some day karma will bite you in the butt.

Well I guess that's enough ranting. Sorry for all the negativity in this post...I just had to get it out.

Good Things Come To Those Who Wait

So I feel like the past couple of posts have sort of been downers so I want to focus the majority of it (hopefully all of it) on good things!

Life is never perfect. Things happen all the time and we go through little bumps in our lives, but that doesn't mean we don't have things to be happy for! My life has been crazy and I'm sure you all know how that goes. But I have had some great things happen because of all the crazy things in my life. I want to start out though thanking the cast and crew of Mountain View's show Of Mice and Men. You guys did a great job! I want to explain why this show impacted me so much. I've talked to a few of you about this. As a lot of you guys know my oldest sister has autism. I love my sister Sandra to death...but you do have to give rules. She doesn't understand that you can't always have what you want. There are days when she'll come home and just want to eat and eat and eat, but we can't let her do that for obvious reasons. Some days we have to fight with her to get her to stop eating and she will fight back because she doesn't understand the consequences. It wasn't always about food though. And sometimes she'll fight back so much that it did get physical. She's hit me, sat on my head, bitten my sister etc. But it's because she doesn't understand. Just like Lennie, she doesn't understand things the way you and I do and sometimes she reacts in a way that only she can react in. Duncan did a fantastic job on his portrayal of Lennie and Collin did an amazing job being George. I see myself as George. With a struggle of how far you take it. I loved how Criman decided to make it so the play wasn't about the gun shot. There was so much more to it. Thank you for the amazing play you guys put on. I hope you remember the lessons it taught you.
My favorite part was seeing Lennie transform into a perfect being after he died. I can't wait for the day when I see Sandra in her perfect being. I love her more than anything in the world for who she is. She has taught me more than anything or anyone. She may not be like you and me but she is beautiful in her own way. She is a daughter of God. Her heart is pure and I know she's being watched over. She is so much closer to God than I am and I envy her relationship with Him. She loves making people feel loved and I love that about her. Sandra, I know you aren't going to read this but I love you and I will always love you.

So this week has been a huge blessing for me. A lot of you know how I am going to be going on a choir tour soon. Well I'm paying for this trip all on my own...which has been sort of insane and crazy. Anyways, this week I was stressing out that I wouldn't get enough money from work because I was only scheduled to work for 11 hours. Well that changed pretty quickly because a couple of the girls from work needed people to cover their shifts. I ended up working all week except Friday and not only that, Monday night at work I had a party that I hosted and they ended up giving me a very large tip. I have never felt so blessed! It was the craziest week at work but I got through it and I'm thankful that I was able to get in more hours. I want to say a quick thank you to my amazing coworkers. Because of them I was able to make it through each night :) Thanks guys!

School has been super stressful. I am struggling in a couple of classes but I am getting through it and I'm hoping that it will all work out! I want to say sorry to my teachers because I know I've been a pain to work with these past couple of weeks. I especially want to say sorry to Andrus...I feel bad that I haven't been giving it my all this term and I'm working on changing that. Anyways, I still love my classes and I believe they have me on the right path on where I want to go.

I think that's a pretty good transition to college...don't ya think? Alright. I'm super excited to talk about this! So I was blessed to be accepted into 4 schools. I was accepted into SUU, USU, BYUI and BYU. My top two schools have always been USU and BYU when I applied for different colleges. It has been crazy this week as I have tried to figure out which school I want to go to more. I have felt like BYU was what everyone expected me to go to because I'm Mormon and it's the "Mormon school." If you know me well then you know I don't do things because it's expected of me.

At the beginning of the week I had no idea where I was going and so many people told me their opinions, it just made me even more confused and I kept having anxiety attacks because of it. Near the middle of the week, I thought I finally made a decision on where I wanted to go but it just was settling with me. I was happy with the school I chose but at the same time something didn't feel right. So once again, I didn't know where I was headed and I was stressing out because my deadline was coming up. I started stressing like crazy over which school I'd be going to because whichever one I chose, it would change the rest of my life. I believe choosing BYU or USU would both be good paths. I knew that either one would be a good choice. It wasn't a "bad" or "good" choice I was dealing with. It was a "better" and "best" choice. And that is why I was so stressed. I wanted to make sure I'd choose a school that was what was best for me. Not what other people expected me to choose or what people thought was what was best for me.

This is why I chose the school that I did. And I am sooooo excited about it!!! I really couldn't be happier and I have no regrets! Nobody knows which school I have chosen. My family doesn't know, my friends don't know...NOBODY KNOWS! Hahaha :)

Until now.

I am now going to let you all know and I'm super excited to finally let everyone know! I figured it out just yesterday and have been dying to let people know! It's a really scary thing going from high school to college. I have waited for this day for a really long time and now that it's finally here I am going crazy with all different kinds of emotions. But I now feel a little bit more at ease. This upcoming fall I will be attending Brigham Young University and I am so stoked!

I chose this school not because my sister goes there and not because I feel like it's the school my mom wants me to go to. I chose this school because I want to go there for myself. I know I can get a good education there and that is why I'm going. I know it's a place I can grow and I need that. I didn't expect to go to BYU. For a long time I didn't want to go to Brigham Young because my sister went there and I felt like my mom was pushing me into going there too. I hate feeling like other people control my life and I felt if I went there they would have won. But then I started thinking about it and thought I'd give it a shot. But I had my heart set on a college outside of Utah. However, once I started filling out my college applications I started finding other schools I wanted to go to more. As I was about to fill out my application to the school outside of Utah, I had a feeling that it wasn't the school for me so I didn't even apply. That's when I fell in love with the idea of going to USU. I was sooo happy when I was admitted and I wanted BYU not to accept me so that I didn't have to choose. But that wasn't the case. I struggled so many times between the two schools this week. I had my heart set on USU, but like I said something didn't feel right. But I am super happy with my decision with BYU. I can't wait to go there and I know it's what is best for me and I'm glad I chose it on my own...without feeling pressured into it.

So I guess that's the end of tonight's post :) So I'm signing off...awkwardly. Have a great week! Love you all!

Sharing My Story...it's about time I did

Alright. So as many of you know I've been supporting everyone who is trying to find help with an eating disorder this past week since it was National Eating Disorders Awareness Week. Well I don't know what you guys have thought about me and my affiliation with it so I thought it was about time to share my story. There are very few people who know about this outside my family because I don't talk about it. It's something I like to keep to myself.  This is going to be extremely hard for me but I feel like it's about time I talk about it. A lot of what I am going to say nobody knows about...not even my family. So here it goes...

I have dealt with an eating disorder for the past few years. I have always known what eating disorders do to your body. I went into my eating disorder fully aware of how it all worked...well I thought I was aware of it all. Turned out...I was completely wrong.

A few years ago I was dealing with a lot and didn't really know how to deal with it. I started having suicidal thoughts but I was too afraid to just end my life. I didn't want to just die because I felt like I would miss out on something and I wanted to see if life would turn out differently so I went to an eating disorder. I thought I would be able to control it so that if I ever ended up changing my mind about wanting to end my life I could easily go back to the life I had before. But eating disorders don't work like that. At first, I felt like I had control over my ED but as time went on I started realizing how little control I had over it.

I dealt with anorexia for some time. As the first year went on I started slipping into a different mind state. The way I viewed myself got really bad. I had known about all the physical stuff that comes with an eating disorder but I had very little knowledge of the metal and emotional sides of an eating disorder. They aren't easy to overcome. That's what held me back from wanting to get out of the trap I put myself in. When I heard people telling me that I looked good because I had lost some weight I thought I was doing the right thing and that I was in control of my ED. I was wrong though. I kept giving into my ED more and more and the compliments started to change. I still had people tell me that I looked good and everything but I was also starting to hear other comments along with it. I was told how tired I looked all the time and I easily brushed that off saying I didn't get enough sleep. Granted half the time I wasn't sleeping enough because I was staying up late finishing homework but I had plenty of times where I would catch up on sleep and still get the same comments. But there were other things that people talked about. I often lost balance. I was getting headaches all the time. I got lightheaded doing pretty much anything. I would get black outs so often I became used to it...and there were lots of other things, but I ignored it all. Physically, I didn't see a change. I would look at myself in the mirror as I got ready for the day and all I could see is the fat I still needed to get rid of. I hated looking in the mirror because I always found something else that needed fixing. Even though I hated mirrors, I became obsessed with them. I had to know what else was wrong with me. I had to know what I needed to fix and it just became a crazy obsession. Before I knew it, my life started to revolve around my ED but I didn't want anybody to know about it.

However, one day I was finally called out on it. I denied it at first but it got to the point where I started to see what people were talking about. At first I continued to be oblivious to it but finally I gave up on hiding it to myself and I admitted to the fact that I was dealing with anorexia. Slowly and hesitantly I started on my path to recovery. It didn't take long before I found myself dealing with my ED once again. I slipped back into how I had been treating my body for over a year. It just became like second nature to me. That's when I started to realize how little control I had over my ED. Whatever control I thought I had in the beginning, I no longer had. The rules had changed and my ED was the leader.

When I started my recovery, the only reason I decided to get help was because people were finding out about my ED and I wanted them to stop thinking about it. I figured the only way to do that was to please them and pretend everything was okay. So I tried to recover for other people. I didn't do it for myself and for that reason I failed the first time.

I shocked my body as I "recovered" and I would get sick from eating more than what my body was used to. Finally I figured it wasn't worth it anymore. I thought it would just be better to live with my ED than to recover from it. So I decided to try and hide the fact that I was still dealing with my ED and just pretend like I was still recovering from it. However, I had friends that saw through it and they wouldn't let me give up so easily. They watched me and supported me. Even though I wasn't ready to really recover, they understood that and they helped me in any way they could. So even though my body was having a hard time adjusting to bigger portions and I didn't want to keep fighting, I kept going because of them. The fact that they wanted me to fight so hard made me want to fight just for them.

It's been a couple of years now and I still can't say I'm perfect and have fully recovered. Eating disorders stay with you for a lifetime. It's hard to change that kind of mentality. It's something I am going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. It doesn't just change overnight. And there are times where I fall back and don't progress in my recovery, but I'm still fighting. It's a difficult challenge but it's not one I have had to face alone. I have a long way to go but I now have a reason to fight and I will. I want to live my life in a healthy way so that I can keep doing the things I love. Now I am fighting for me.

This week has helped me so much and I want to thank everyone who has been supporting me this week. A lot of my friends had no idea that I have dealt with an eating disorder but the fact that they were supporting me anyways was amazing! I can't thank them enough. So even though the week is over, eating disorders are still around. They will always be there and it's our job to spread the awareness. I'm grateful that I have been able to start to turn my life around and fight this disease.

Now, I didn't write this to get pity or to have people tell me that I shouldn't think of myself the way I do. I know that I shouldn't, but I do. However, I am healing and I have come a long way from where I was just a few months ago. I plan on living my life a little healthier from now on. I'm not writing this post for attention, it really is hard for me to say all of this to so many people at once. It scares me but I know it's going to help me recover and that is why I did it. For myself to heal. So, here I go. Onto the rest of my journey of recovery. Wish me luck! And if you are dealing with an eating disorder, I wish you the best of luck as well. I know how difficult they can be to overcome. Keep fighting...it's worth it.

Here's a recap from all the things I did this week!

"Mirrorless Monday"
Went the whole day without looking at myself in a mirror!

"Operation Beautiful Tuesday"
Attacked the bathroom at school with uplifting quotes

"Let it go Wednesday"
We wrote our insecurities on balloons and let them go!

"Treat yourself Thursday"
Went to Jamba Juice with some friends and then my sister took me out for frozen yogurt later that night.

"Free yourself Friday"
I wrote a letter to myself of where I want to be by next year

"Selfies for Self-confidence Saturday"
Took some selfies of myself throughout the day

National Eating Disorder Awareness Week

So this week is National Eating Disorder Awareness Week. I am a huge supporter to those who are dealing with or who have dealt with an eating disorder. Eating disorders seem to always go unnoticed and it's a really big deal. They are dangerous. It's something that really needs attention and that's what this whole week is about. Each day this week is something that will help bring awareness to eating disorders. I invite you all to participate. I know the day is almost done but Sunday is all about spreading the awareness! There are many ways to do this...FB, Instagram, text, Twitter, blogs...anything really. And it doesn't take much. I've seen pictures all day just with little things about eating disorders posted on FB. One simple thing can lead to a big thing :)
If you are dealing with an eating disorder, I hope you find help. Don't be ashamed of it. You can live a happy and healthy life. If you know somebody dealing with an eating disorder, support them as they find help. They need a friend to count on them. Don't judge them...it's a difficult thing to deal with. I love you all and I hope you all know how special I think you all are!

What each day is for this week :D

I'm participating in a campaign to help with eating
disorder awareness and this is my photo for it.
"Recovery is...being able to look
in the mirror and smile at what I see."

Ready, Set, Go.

It's been quite a while because lately things have been crazy and I haven't really wanted to talk about things going on because it's been well...it's been crazy and I didn't want people to know what was really going on. Well I've decided I will let you all in on my life a little bit...just a glimpse from the past few months.

Photo from 12 Angry Jurors

So I finished up my last high school show this past January. I was Juror #8 in the senior show 12 Angry Jurors (based off of 12 Angry Men). It was a challenging role for me. Only a few people know about this, but I never felt like I was good enough for the role. Every day at rehearsals I would tell myself I couldn't do it, that somebody else would be so much better than I could ever do it. I'd not only go to rehearsals like that, but after rehearsals I would tear myself apart for not doing a good job. I struggled every day and I tried to hide it. I couldn't hide it from my director though. As we started getting close to when we would be performing my director talked to me privately. He told me he could see that I was struggling with the role and I was lacking confidence. I felt my eyes start to water as he told me exactly how I was feeling. But if I admitted to him that he was right I knew I would break down and the tears would come racing down my cheeks. So I silently just listened to him as he told me everything I already knew. He then switched gears and told me I was capable of doing this role and that is why he gave it to me. He understood it was out of my comfort zone but he let me know he was completely confident in me. I tried to put on the face that I would try harder and I would start believing in myself.
I didn't.
I tried though. I worked really hard. I just still didn't believe in myself. I just couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to just let go and believe I was able to do what everyone else kept telling me I could do. I think some people finally started to catch on and they would tell me they were proud of me or that I was doing a good job...you'd think I'd start believing them...but I didn't. I just felt like they could see through me and felt like they just wanted me to feel better about myself when really I was struggling. This is what I dealt with for a couple of months. It got really hard but nobody really understood how hard it got for me.
One day after rehearsals I was so exhausted and felt so inadequate that I just cried. I had no idea what I should do. I couldn't quit. I had to keep going, but I felt like if I continued I wouldn't make the show to the potential our director kept telling us we could reach. I felt like I was the one holding the show back. A couple of days before we opened, my director came to me once again and told me to let go of all the feelings I had and just play the part. He suggested I do something to help me find comfort...which I did.
Opening night came and my emotions were all over the place. I can't tell you if I ever did let go. I'm too afraid to say that I gave it my all because I still feel like I could have done so much more. I also feel like if I say that, people would think I still needed a lot of work and I really didn't do that great of a job. So I won't say it. I can't. It was hard enough looking my director in the eye and telling him I did my best as I shook his hand closing night. I almost broke down when I did it.
However, I got through the show and it was a great experience. Closing night was hard for me because it

Cast photo of 12 Angry Jurors

was going to be my last performance of my high school career. Not only that, but it was my last show with my friend Gabby Bersie. We have been performing together since 6th grade and have always supported each other in all the shows we've been in. That night, after our cast prayer as she and I hugged, tears just flowed from both of our eyes. Two friends, backstage embraced and just crying. Everyone around us tried to comfort us. We couldn't look at each other backstage without starting to cry. After the show was over, we held hands and proudly bowed together. That was one of the best moments of my life. I do want to thank you for helping me through all the shows we've done together Gabby. She's always pushed me and I'm sad that I couldn't be a part of this last show (Nunsense 2) with her. It's been great and we have so many memories from all the shows we've done together...some of the memories were creepy, some were great and some were really fun ones. I could never forget our shows!
Since I brought up Nunsense, I guess I'll talk about this next. This one is also really hard for me to talk about. I was originally in Nunsense. However things changed. This is my first time actually letting all of this one out. I've explained in very little detail to people what was going on and why I quit the show but I'll go more in depth with it now.
For a few months now I have been fighting against my body. A lot of people don't know this but I work my body to death. I push myself past my limits because it has always made me stronger. However, this time was different. This year, as I have been pushing my body it has been fighting back more than ever. I was in Jurors and then I was also in Nunsense at the same time. Not only that but I was also working. I would come home from rehearsals (or work) and be so exhausted but I would still have homework and I would fight against my body wanting sleep because my grades were suffering and I couldn't stand it.
At first, I was fine. I have always stayed up late working on homework when deadlines got close and then I just rest up after all the work is turned in. Well this time it got bad. I got sick. Now that normally isn't a bad thing for people but I hardly get sick and when I do get sick...it's really bad. I can't even remember the last time I was sick before this time. Well I got sick...extremely sick and this all started to happen close to when Jurors was going to open.
I still fought.
I knew my body was screaming at me to get some rest and take care of it but I was failing a class and I had other classes to make up, I couldn't miss school and I couldn't miss rehearsals. So I kept doing what I always did. Nobody realized how sick I really was. Let me tell you this, I'm pretty good at faking how I really feel and I was about ready to just give up because I was in so much pain and I couldn't handle it. But I kept pushing. Well it started to get to the point where I would get light-headed and I was unable to balance myself and I was constantly exhausted. Nobody really saw how bad it really was, they knew I was pretty sick but I was a lot sicker than people thought (it was so bad that I'm still dealing with all the effects even now).
Finally it got to a point where I had to get some rest and so I finally gave in and started to listen to everyone and to my body. Now, relating this back to Nunsense...during all of this I knew I needed to cut back on things so that I could be able to rest. So I quit Nunsense, that way I would be able to continue my senior show. It was a really hard decision for me. I have never quit any show I have ever been in. There have been shows where I felt like quitting, but I never did because I knew I would regret it and I would just push myself through it. But I knew I couldn't with this show. I knew deep down I no longer had the strength I did before and my body wouldn't allow me to do it. I needed that rest and I needed to get better. (Ugh. Now I'm tearing up all over again).
A lot of people know that I hate giving up. I absolutely hate it. I can't do it. Quitting Nunsense was also hard because I had also just given up on my AP Psych class. AP Psych was one of the first things I have given up on completely and when I dropped that class it killed me more than I let people know. So when I dropped Nunsense, it just made it worse. I felt like such a failure. Because of my body failing on me all the time I no longer could do Nunsense and I no longer had the strength to push myself through that class. I nearly died inside. I have never felt like such a failure in my life. I felt bad because my sister Carissa is in Nunsense and I have always tried to be an example of not giving up, even when times were hard. But I did and it killed me to have to give up on not only the cast and myself but to my sister of all people. I love her and I want her to know to keep going when life gets rough...but I have learned that sometimes you do need to listen to your body and sometimes it's stronger to give up on something that will only help you in the end than it is to push through it. Okay well I'm in tears now so it's probably best I change the subject. Haha.
Alright. Well I guess I'll talk about how I'm growing up. As many of you know, I'm graduating this year. It's crazy and I can't believe it's so close but I'm so excited and so nervous. I have waited for this for so long and it's super close now. It's a bit overwhelming as I try to figure out exactly what I plan to do with my future. As of right now, I want to major in Health Education. I don't know where I'm going for school yet but I'm figuring that out :) I have always loved health and as I was at SOAR and learning of all the different majors at BYU I came across Health Education. I looked at all the courses I would need to take for that major and each class made me so excited that I felt like it was right for me. That is why I plan on going into Health Education (or public health depending on where I go). I just thought I would throw that out there because a lot of people have asked me about it and why I want to do it.
Now that I've stopped the tears, I can start talking once again of a little bit more serious matters. So lately I've been thinking a lot about the past and the future, as well as trying to live in the moment. Well that tends to get a little crazy after a while. As I have thought about my past and how it has made me who I am today I've realized a lot about myself. I am grateful for all I have learned from the past. Just a couple of weeks ago I finally closed a chapter in my life. It was difficult but it had to be done. I'm grateful for the lessons learned from that experience and I will take it with me through the rest of my life. Also, all the memories made...I'll never forget them. I look back at all the things we did together so often and there are days when I would miss all the little things, but it was time for the both of us to move on. So we did.

A few of my friends that keep me going

That experience made me start to look at other things too. I don't want to say too much because I'm still working this all out in my head. In short I'm trying to figure out what other things need to be changed in my life to make things not only better for myself but for others. Whether that means saying goodbye or trying new things or just simply continuing with the flow of things. I don't know quite yet but I'll get there and I'm excited to see where things take me. I know I have a bright future ahead and I can't wait.
I'm now ready to let go and just live my life to the fullest. I have longed to be truly happy for a while and it's finally starting to happen again. I don't know exactly what changed it but I'm working on pinpointing whatever it is and I will work to keep it that way.
I know I have a lot to do in this life and I have so much to improve on but I'm willing to keep pushing through the rainy days. I know that one day there will be sunshine again. And even though things are cloudy now, it won't always be. I've learned to just dance through the rain and find things that make me enjoy it while I have it. So even though life isn't perfect, there are still good things around me that I can be grateful for. Little bits of sunlight poking through the clouds to let me know it's going to be okay. My body may be telling me to stop, but I still have passions that keep me happy. There have always been things that have made me happy, I just didn't notice until recently.

Time to be happy again

I want to thank my friends for all the support and love they have given me. I really am such a lucky girl to have the friends I have. I love them all and I don't know what I would do without them. Thank you sooo much! You guys are why I keep fighting. You guys keep me going :) And whenever you feel like life is horrible, know that I believe in you and I will fight with you! Learn to dance in the rain. It will make you stronger!
So now my journey continues. I will continue to fight the battles I am given. I'm ready to fight them. I'm ready to be happy again.
I'm ready.